Hot Club Confidential

The Hot Club

2012-01-17T16:20:00.001-08:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Becky showed me a website for canine birth control. Doggy condoms! Frequently asked questions: What sizes and scents do they come in? How effective are they? Can I train my dog to put it on himself? What about female condoms for bitches? What about loss of sensation? The site is www.dogcondoms.com. A tip of the hat to the Beckster.

One wag suggested that he wanted the job of putting the condoms on the dogs. Ruff!

Spike TV had a UFC bout on and Beau pointed out that one guy had a huge growth on his right frontal lobe from being pounded in the head.

Come a little bit closer to the Mike said he was leaving early to meet up with his in-laws. I said, “You mean your out-laws?” No, he gets along well with his, so they’re in-laws.

Frequent Flyer has a song for Peter and Mike’s band – Joe Nichols III’s song Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.

Someone was talking about having a cat or a dog for a pet. Suddenly the Jack of Fire’s voice rose above all the rest - “If you want animals, go to the zoo.”

Beau had a T-shirt that read Let Me Drop Everything and Work on Your Problem.

Overheard at the Hot Club: “Who’s Patty Cheeseburger?”

Bags said he goes to a website called ‘Dead or Alive.com’ where they tell you if a star is still alive and his/her age.

The jukebox was playing and I asked Hooks and the Wise Man if they knew what group was the longest running active band. Per AOL.com radio, it’s Dutch group Golden Earring which formed in 1961, one year before the Rolling Stones.

And I told Fleet Feet Pete to check out Idris Elba in the BBC TV show Luther which began in 2010. Victoria and I watched all 6 episodes (of 2010) and loved it. I believe Amanda first told me about Luther.

The Hot Club

2012-01-17T16:18:00.001-08:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Chuck D Computer admitted that he is not really into sports. Chuck calls himself ‘a sports agnostic’.

Mike Module grew up in the same part of Darlington as my brother Brad and I did. Slater Park was our playground, especially an area known as ‘Death Valley’. We use to have rope swings from the trees in Death Valley. Mike Module admitted that he was the one that shinnied up those trees to tie the ropes.

Was telling Chuck D that my friend Mo was talking about Catholic education and Mo said it’s not education it’s Catholic indoctrination. Chuck D disagreed and said it was a program – a program called Leave No Child’s Behind.

Come a Little Bit Closer to the Mike and the Jester were finishing their beers to go to band practice. I told them to ask Nimble Fingered Peter if he had any personal encounters with Jerry Sandusky when he was at Penn State. Foot Joy added, “Like in the shower.”

The HC jukebox was playing The High and Mighty by Dick Starbuck ‘Porno Detective’. That was followed by Lords of Acid with an album/CD called Pussy. A cute little pussy cat was sticking out from between a woman’s legs, right about the area known as p-u-s…

Frequent Flyer said he went to buy a bed with his friend Joanne. The mattress had a 20-year warranty. Foot Joy said “Aw you won’t even live that long.” Frequent Flyer said that when they mentioned the 20-year warranty, Joanne also said he might not last that long.

Charlie and I were talking about Heidi Watney and Jason Varitek. Charlie said that he heard it wasn’t Watney who ’Tek hooked up with, it was “Francona’s daughter!” (joke)

An anonymous source (‘sauce’) at the Hot Club said that they call the meter mollies ‘parking enforcement officers’. Who knew? Do I salute?

Mike Module said that sex began with The Leave It To Beaver show. The Module quotes June Cleaver as telling husband Ward, “Don’t you think you were a little tough on the Beaver last night.”

Fleet Feet Pete, Mike Module, Frequent Flyer and I were all in accord – we want the Patriots to play the undefeated Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl and beat them. Of course the score will probably be 48-47, but, what the Hell.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2012-01-17T16:15:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Charlie Clancy and I were talking about Joe Paterno, and the Sandusky charges. Charlie felt that Joe Paterno had gotten into a zone, a test pattern zone. Totally out of it. ‘Test Pattern’ Joe Paterno. I told Charlie that Paterno informed Sandusky in 1999 that he would not succeed Joe as head coach. That was 12 years ago, and I don’t think he was ‘Test Pattern’ then. You can’t excuse Paterno for his behavior.

The Hot Club was bedecked with Christmas decorations, including a tree with lights, and it was only November 30. Glad to see such good tidings. There is also a new curtain covering the right side of the dockside doors. Are the curtains to curtail cool breezes or to hide the smoky glass?

Foot Joy was ragging on me about getting old. So I mentioned to FJ that I tell Victoria that we are ‘junior seniors’. Foot Joy said he liked that and would remember it when he got to be my age.

Is that a compacted colon or compounded cola? And that’s CCJ.

Josh said to check out the video on You Tube of the 4-year old son of a Philadelphia Eagles’ fan, who is crying and saying he hates Tom Brady. And when his dad suggests that maybe Brady will throw a pick, the youngster cries, “No, he never throws picks. He only throws touchdowns”. Thanks Josh.

Adam and I were talking about what we had found to be good on TV. I mentioned American Horror Story. Yes, Adam agreed and said that’s his favorite show. I told Adam that I also liked Boardwalk Empire, but Adam doesn’t have HBO.

Charley Clancy said that there was more of a stir, more of a ruckus when Hazel Mae was leaving Boston than Jon Papelbon. No, Charlie didn’t say it. He heard that quote.

Fleet Feet Pete was talking about a track and field coach who got so disgusted with his team that he told them: “You’re as competitive as a jerked off dick.”

The Jack of Fire admitted that he was a spring training bat boy in Winter Haven, Florida, in 1971 for the Boston Red Sox.

Charlie Clancy and I were talking baseball and I said, “Go Cubs!” Charlie said he saw my statement about the Red Sox needing to woo me back. So Charlie asked how much wooing that would take and I said, “Not much.”

The Hot Club

2012-01-17T16:13:00.001-08:00

The Hot Club jukebox was playing Cocaine, Eric Clapton’s version. I asked Fleet Feet Pete who wrote it and as he was searching his memory, Chuck D. Computer interjected that it was JJ Cale.

We got to talking about how cocaine turned out to be a dangerous drug as both Len Bias and Reggie Lewis found out. I mentioned cardiomyopathy (enlarged heart) and the irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia) that can result from heavy cocaine use. Chuck D Computer added that bad crack did in Rock Hudson.

CJ says that one of her customers, another Jim, likes gimlets. As a result, CJ calls him ‘Jimlets’.

There was a guy wearing sunglasses who was seated at the waterside bar one Sunday. We’ll call him Minimum. A bystander noticed money on the floor next to his chair – it was a $10 bill, and put it on the counter next to Minimum, saying “I think this is yours.” Minimum barely nodded in return. Nearby, Jokin’ Joe’s Jackie exclaimed, “He could at least say ‘Thanks’!”

Recently I had to thank Jackie, the bartender, who gave me a tip when I was first learning Sudokus, of which she is a Master. Sudokus have helped my memory. Punch line here.

Josh said that Burger King now is BYOB. At this news, I was surprised and then Josh admitted he made it up. Not a bad idea though. I once had German bier in a McDonald’s in Rotenberg.

Someone has a new nickname for a regular. It’s CC Jack which stands for Compounded COLA Jack.

Charlie Clancy and I were talking about this year’s PC basketball team. Charlie had a question for me about what a young team needs most. I said “Rebounding?” “No.” “Outside shooting?” “No.” “Defense?” “You got it!” Charlie feels that PC’s D will win them some games.

We were talking about past injuries and how as you get old, you know when a storm is coming on. Fleet Feet Pete was telling us that he had won some money playing horseshoes. So when Fleet Feet started complaining about his left knee bothering him, Al and I told him it was from playing horseshoes. Fleet Feet protested, pointing out that he was bending his right knee, not the left. So Pal Al pointed to Pete’s left knee and asked, “Is that your wah-wah pedal knee?

The Hot Club

2012-01-17T16:09:00.001-08:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Fleet Feet Pete was in the House so I asked the Penn State grad his feelings about the Joe Paterno/Jerry Sandusky situation. He said he couldn’t believe it. He mentioned that it’s a tight-knit town many of whom are Penn State grads or connected to the school in some way. I noted that the stadium (Beaver Stadium) holds 100,000 (106,572) and that they may have trouble filling that stadium again for quite a while. Pete didn’t disagree.

Jesse, who is from Pennsylvania and whose family went to Penn State, said he was in disbelief when he heard about it and that Joe Paterno was involved. Jesse said that when he first learned about it, it was like hearing “that it was Santa Claus dealing drugs to little kids. It just can’t be. It just can’t be.”

The Jesster said that he knows a guy who played cornerback and wanted to go to Penn State. When the guy and his mom showed up for an interview they were told that Paterno was taking his nap and couldn’t be woken up. So the guy left and enrolled at nearby Pitt.

Jesse, who did not go to Penn State, but who was a fan, says he had a tee shirt that said Shit on Pitt.

In talking to Alexander the Grate, I mentioned that Victoria and I had just been to Asheville, North Carolina to visit my brother Brad and his wife Dee Dee. Alex noted that an ex-bartender from the Hot Club, Bronwyn, now resides in Asheville. I told Alex that when we were in Asheville, it was bitter cold with a biting wind so we ducked into a local pub/restaurant called Jack of the Woods. Alex said that was where Bronwyn works.

So I told Alex and Fleet Feet Pete that Brad and I did a mini pub crawl and after Jack of the Woods we went across the street to the Thirsty Monk. Peter said he had been to the Thirsty Monk and had a few beers there.

While in Asheville, we found out that a North Carolina senator named Jim Forrester had called Asheville a cesspool of sin. So the locals came up with a T-Shirt that says Asheville: Cesspool of Sin – Dive In.

Buffalo Steve, who used to work for IBM for 20 + years, brought up the fact that in the movie 2001, A Space Odyssey, the computer’s name is HAL. Steve observed that H is one letter before I, A is one before B and L one before M. I-B-M.

Josh brought our attention to a song playing on the juke box. It was by the new Mick Jagger band Super Heavy and the song is called Super Heavy. Not bad. Not quite the Stones, though

The Hot Club

2012-01-17T16:05:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

We were kidding with Britt and Charlie Clancy told me, “She could be a performer!” Britt overheard this and said, “I am!” And a great one at that!

Word is that there was a femme fight a couple Sundays ago. It wasn’t a fight over a guy – it was over a chair. One woman was trying to ‘save’ the seat for someone. A 40 something versus a 50 something. The throwing of popcorn was also involved.

Buff Steve and I were talking about Broderick Crawford and Highway Patrol 10-4. I missed my chance to use the 10-4 line when the Sportzine issue came out on 10/4.

The jukebox was playing Afternoon Delight which I said was by KC and the Sunshine Band. Alexander the Grate pointed out that the song was done by Starland Vocal Band. Alex said I was confusing Get Down To Night which was by KC and the Sunshine Band. Alex said that night is near the afternoon, but…

Overheard at the Hot Club: “Misquoted by Jim.”

Buffalo Steve recalled that Annette Funicello was from Utica, New York. He got to meet her at a USO club and got to dance with her.

We were listening to Can’t Find My Way Home. I thought of Stevie Winwood and Traffic, but Alexander the Great said it was Blind Faith. Alex was right. I noted that Winwood went from Spencer Davis Group to Traffic before Blind Faith. There was some disagreement amongst us - Mike Module, Jesse James, Alex and myself. Some including the Wizard thought Blind Faith came before Traffic and Wiz looked it up on his smart phone. At first Wiz said Blind Faith came first (’68-’69), but then realized that Traffic was first, broke up and then Blind Faith formed (before Traffic re-formed). Got it?

Well a Google check shows that Traffic was formed in April 1967. Traffic disbanded in 1969 which was when Stevie Winwood formed Blind Faith. Traffic re-formed in 1970 but again disbanded this time in 1975. Winwood, Capaldi, Wood and Dave Mason were in the original Traffic which released Mr. Fantasy and Traffic (w/Mason) and Last Exit.

Peter Gabriel’s Sledgehammer was playing. Auto Pilot Paul said the song was about sex – about a guy wanting to be a sledgehammer.

The Hot Club

2011-10-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Congratulated Eben Bates, who is a big Yankees fan, on them making the playoffs (this was before they were ousted). Talk turned to players who had never made it to the World Series and, of course, Don Mattingly’s name came up. Eben made a strong pitch that Mattingly deserves to be in the Hall of Fame and that his career numbers are not far from Kirby Puckett’s. Puckett (RIP) is in the Hall. Will check for the next Sportzine.

Eben also said to check out Jimi Hendrix’ Midnight Lightning which came out after Hendrix died. An Internet look says the album was released in November of 1975.

Overheard from the DOM: “Even Dirty Old Men need love too.”

Buffalo Steve and I went back to yesteryear and were discussing Efrem Zimbalist Jr., who was on The FBI, and also 77 Sunset Strip with Roger Smith and Edd ‘Kookie’ Byrnes. I noted that Smith married Ann Margaret, but became confined to a wheelchair, so she took care of him. Wikipedia says that Smith was diagnosed with Myasthenia Gravis, a neuromuscular disease, in 1965, and his condition went into remission in 1985. Smith managed Ann Margaret’s career and produced her Las Vegas shows.

77 Sunset Strip made me think of Hawaiian Eye with Anthony Eisley and Connie ‘Cricket’ Stevens. Buffalo Steve said he was married when Hawaiian Eye was on the air. Steve’s wife didn’t like ‘Cricket’ and was jealous of her. Steve said his wife called ‘Cricket’ the ‘Insect’.

On the way to the Hot Club, there was a biker in front of me with a leather jacket on. The back of the jacket said Leathernecks with the Marine logo and underneath it was Central, RI. Where the hell is Central, Rhode Island?

We were talking about music and Fleet Feet Pete said he saw the Allman Brothers in Beantown on the Boston Common. Schaefer beer was the sponsor and it was a paid concert. It was about 1971.

ORric likes westerns and was fondly recalling Shane with Alan Ladd, and one of the great villains of all time, Jack Palance. ORric recalled the barroom scene where even the dog scuttled away from the action. I told him that Alan Ladd was so short, about 5’4”, that they made him stand on a box in some movies and in one, they had the female lead stand in a trench. Wikipedia says Ladd’s height was between 5’4” – 5’9” but probably 5’6”. However in discussing Veronica Lake, who was paired with Alan Ladd in 4 movies, Wikipedia says Ladd was 5’5” and Lake was chosen to work with Ladd because she was the shortest Paramount female star at 4’11 ½”.

The Hot Club

2011-09-28T15:15:00.001-07:00

Frequent Flyer stopped by the HC. I asked him if he was going to be in town for awhile or if he was moving around the area. FF said he was moving around because it’s better to be a ‘moving target’.

I gave my copy of Keith Richards’ autobiography Life to Buffalo Steve. Frequent Flyer saw me give Steve the book and asked Steve if the book was about how to elect a conservative President.

Kelley, the HC bartender and Narragansett beer emissary, said she knows a guy in Connecticut, who works as Keith Richards’ pool boy. After the winter ended and the weather improved, the pool boy and his buddy took off the pool cover. They found a lot of chlorine and dead critters in the pool. Before they could clean it, they momentarily turned their backs and there was a loud splash – Keith had cannonballed into the pool.

There were two tables near Bar 5 with Reserved signs on them and plates of cheese and crackers, etc. We wondered who might have reserved them. Buffalo Steve thought it might have been Josh Miller celebrating his wedding anniversary.

I told High Wire Bill that the Red Sox were tight as a drum. Bill corrected me – “Tight as a bull’s ass.” High Wire said if the Sox didn’t make the playoffs, there would be changes.

Overheard at the Hot Club (an Internet dater describing the first meeting with a new prospect): “Done before it’s begun.” About a relationship being over before it began.

Also Overheard at the Hot Club: someone waits to be greeted by “Hi!” and responds, “Wish I was.”

Mike Module said his son was playing outfield at Macomber Field (CF/Cumb), and while going for a ball, he slipped on some dog shit. So I commented that they must have made his son sit at the end of the bench. The Module said, “Well they didn’t give him much shit about missing the ball, but they gave him a lot of shit about the shit.”

Who is The Poacher?

‘Art’ Carney told me a favorite saying of his: “May the Bird of Happiness always be with you, but always miss your windshield.”

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-09-28T15:12:00.001-07:00

In observing all the young people on the Hot Club deck on a recent Friday, Gentleman Joe recalled his father’s words: “Youth is wasted on the young.”

I was telling Fleet Feet Pete and Dr. John that when I was in grad school, I had to take Calculus. The best Calc teacher was in Newport. You had to pay the Newport Bridge toll so I bought tokens. One night I was close to being late for class. When I tossed in the token, the light didn’t go red to green. And when I continued through, alarms went off. On the way home, the same thing happened. That night I found the tokens on my bureau. I had taken my daughter’s Chuck E. Cheese coins.

Dr. John was talking about Lyle Lovett and his Large Band. The Good Doctor said he liked a Lovett song called If I Were The Man That You Wanted, I Would Not Be The Man That I Am. John wondered if Lyle wrote it for Julia Roberts.

The Friday deck was full of youths. One woman walked by and had a quite pronounced strut. Our name for such a lass was always “strutter.” Which made me think of the song Strutter. I thought it was Noddy Holder and Slade, but actually it was done by Kiss.

ORric said “Ride ’em hard and put ’em away wet.”

The Perfusionist is going to RI Hospital. No more Miriam? No, he’ll still be there but they’re consolidating.

As some men ogled the women on the deck, a voice asked if there were a band called “Dirty Old Men”. From there it went to a new nickname for one of the ardent admirers of pulchritude: DOM - Dirty Old Man.

A young woman was wearing a flimsy top with a single tie in back. As she strolled by, someone said she’d probably got all the other women mad at her. In unison two voices replied, “The Noive.”

Asked Adam if he had seen anything good, and he said Attack the Block, which just opened here. He downloaded it. It’s a British movie about an alien attack on a block defended by a teen gang. Will have to check it out.

There was a stranger in the HC in a white costume with Made On Honor in the front – it was a person-size can of Narragansett Beer. Who was inside? It was a ‘Tall Boy’ can, so it must have been a guy.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-09-28T15:09:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB I saw the Jack of Fire and asked him if he had gotten last week’s Sportzine because he was in it, but I missed giving it to him. Jack responded, “Oh yeah, I signed a bunch of ’em.” “Where’s the Sportzine now?” I asked him. Jack said, “It’s in my parrot’s cage.”

Rich ‘The Carney Barker’ was wearing an original HCYC (Hot Club Yacht Club) T-shirt. On the back of the tee was a flame coming out of a heart with a club in the middle. Heart Club. Hot Club. I had never seen it before and I was amused at how much it corresponded to the Hot Club ad that my daughter Cara and I created.

And yes, the Carney Barker says that Art was a distant relative. Like a second uncle.

The Wiz ordered a vanilla Porter. ORric wanted ‘a penis supporter or tulips on my organ’.

Contraire, speaking of Sportzine, told me “I have no lies for your paper.” Then he asked if I was the editor. I said “Yeah, I’m the editor, and the writer and the printer.” Contraire responded: “You’re the editor, the writer and the liar.”

The Wise Man said that Toronto’s Jose Bautista is known as ‘Joey Bats’.

We were having a brief discussion of ‘Psychotronic movies’, the term coined by Michael Weldon (2 excellent books listing many great examples). The group included Broc, Amanda, and High Wire Bill. Broc had seen Cowboys and Aliens which he liked. I mentioned Machete which Amanda liked. I saw Devil which I gave a 7 out of 10. I said that some psychotronic movies, like Ed D. Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space, are so bad that they’re good. So you get something out of it.

Contraire heard me talking about ‘psychotronic’movies. He called them ‘catatonic’.

When I entered the near bar last Wednesday, it sounded like I was being serenaded. Not sure who started it, but Alexander the Great was there as was Ernie, High Wire Bill and Broc. They just started singing. It was music to my ears.

Ran into Joe Murphy from Voke Rehab and he was with his buddy Neal. Joe asked my prediction for the Patriots and I said “14-2.” Neal thought that Tom Brady needs to stop hanging around high priced women and it might improve his game. I said it was more like his offensive line protecting him and the defense has to play well.

The Hot Club

2011-09-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Told the Wizard some of the things that I learned about the ‘27 Club’: that Jesse Belvin died with his wife in a car crash after the first ever integrated concert in Little Rock and that Rudy Lewis, lead singer for the Drifters from 1960-64 (Up on the Roof and On Broadway), was about to record Under The Boardwalk, but died in his room the night before. And Robert Johnson reportedly died from poisoned moonshine. All the Wiz wanted to talk about was being right about the Red Sox having their best ever July.

Then I recalled one I’d forgotten to tell the Wizard – Al ‘Blind Owl’ Wilson of Canned Heat was considered by John Lee Hooker as the best harmonica player he’d ever heard. The Wiz said John Mayall is a great harmonica player who uses his tongue to close off the middle of the harmonica so only the ends are open.

Alexander the Great told us about a ‘bang stick’ (‘What, you never watched Jacques Cousteau?’). Alex said that it’s used underwater. A shotgun shell in a long tube. They use it for sharks. If you touch something with the bang stick, it fires the shotgun shell.

Doctor John was telling us about having a problem kayaking the Saco River in Maine. The river was so low that a guy with a beer belly and a beer was sitting in the middle of the river in a chair almost daring boaters to hit him, like ‘Don’t touch me!’ Alexander the Grate told Dr. John that he needed a bang stick.

Stevie ‘Saucepan Hands’ had his smart phone (which begs the question ‘Do smart people have smart phones?’). Stevie checked and the Red Sox were 67-41 (108 games played), 54 left. So the Sox need 33 wins to get to 100, which means play .611 ball. It’s now .604.

The All Hands Man also said to check out The Eye Teeth Crowd, a British comedy series that he saw on Netflix.

Prince’s Purple Rain was playing on the jukebox. A few days before it was the birthday of Appolonia (Patricia Kotero). I think she was 50 (it’s 52). Stevie ‘Saucepan Hands’ said she’s a grandmother now (no mention of kids). I recalled Prince playing a great Super Bowl Halftime show in the rain. It was 2007 in Miami. In the Purple Rain. Awesome set!

Bags (Himself) was at the Breakers for his birthday. Billy Joel was there and he asked Joel for an autograph (sorry!). Wonder if Bags used the ‘It’s my birthday’ line on Joel.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-09-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Jack of Fire and I were talking about Texas adding relievers Koji Uehara (Balt.) and Mike Adams (S.D.). Jack said that was because Texas knows the Red Sox wear you down and Texas knows that they are on a collision course with the Red Sox. Texas Nation versus Red Sox Nation. Jack said that since the Red Sox wear you down, if you don’t have a good bullpen you lose.

Buffalo Steve was a Mustang – he started out as an enlisted man in the Navy and then became an officer – an ensign. Buffalo Steve said that even being at the low end of the officer pool was much better than as an enlisted man. He was a jazz DJ in Argentia, Newfoundland. His ‘shift’ or ‘watch’ was from 6-10 AM. That was it. No swabbing. No mess. Four hours and done!

Dr. John asked me what I was doing for the weekend. I told him it was wide open, but I’d have to talk with Victoria to see what she wanted to do. The good doctor laughed and said he should have learned that 35 years ago. Per Dr. John, if you have a boat and she doesn’t like the boat, sink the boat. And throw the skis in there too.

One guy was on the deck with a tee shirt that said ‘Deny Everything’.

Jimmy Chelo said he ran into Drew Bledsoe up at Foxboro. Jimmy said he wasn’t sure at first that it was Bledsoe. I said that Bledsoe was about 6’5”, so how could you miss him? Jimmy said Bledsoe was sitting down.

A guy was wearing round black disks in his ear lobes. The Jack of Fire asked a young newcomer to the deck what that meant. She informed Jack that the disks were called ‘gauges’ and it was a punk rock thing.

Dr. John was telling us that he loved the old Barry Goldwater quote “I’m so old that I’ve moved to the left just by standing still.” Fleet Feet Pete said that his favorite is ‘if pro is the opposite of con, then progress is the opposite of congress’.

Amanda said to check out Luther, a British series. I told Amanda about the British trilogy called Red Riding (1974, 1980 and 1984). Excellent!

We were talking about German words and Buffalo Steve pointed out ‘kindergarten’ or ‘children’s garden’. I mentioned to Steve that we looked up the word ‘skunk’ and found that it was ‘mouffette’ in French and ‘stinktier’ in German.

The Hot Club

2011-07-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

OK, the third time should be a charm – Tom McGinn’s boat ride on Water Fire nights is $15 per person and leaves from Water Place Park (near the twin pillars). You can reserve a ride at 580-BOAT. Tell Tom that Sportzine sent you.

Sunday the jukebox was in use and I asked the Wise Man and the Wizard if people had been playing Amy Winehouse songs in her memory. Wise said that they had. The Wizard said he was unfamiliar with her music and wanted to keep it that way. It’s a pity, just like her passing. She was a singular talent who couldn’t handle success. Expect any thing she recorded to hit the airwaves and stores soon. I played Rehab and Back to Black.

The Wizard mentioned that Winehouse was 27 years old, and that several other musicians had died at age 27 – Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Robert Johnson, the great blues man, and the Grateful Dead’s Ron ‘Pigpen’ McKernan. I noted that Alan ‘Blind Owl’ Wilson of Canned Heat was also 27. Others: the Stones’ Brian Jones, Peter Ham of Badfinger, Jesse Belvin (Good Night My Love), and lead singer Rudy Lewis of the Drifters (On Broadway, Up On the Roof). Wikipedia refers to a ‘27 Club’ and lists 45 musicians including Winehouse and those mentioned above.

There was an Amstel Light beer promotion with women dressed in tight white tees and short red shorts. However one of the women was wearing navy blue shorts. Why? An intrepid reporter inquired and learned that the petite blonde didn’t fit into the red shorts.

Come A Little Bit Closer to the Mike asked one of the Amstel Light women about how to get the free tee shirts. However his inquiry was, “Can I have that one?” pointing to the tee shirt she was wearing. She smiled and told him that that tee shirt cost more.

A passing male wanted to know what he had to do to get an Amstel tee shirt. I told him, “You have to perform tricks.”

The Amstel women walked the deck, looking for eager individuals who were willing to be videotaped while telling their favorite Amstel Lite beer story. One wag said that he had a story – he once got a woman pregnant while drinking Amstel Lite. I suggested that they give him two tee shirts for that tale.

Amanda, my Hot Club advisor on the latest psychotronic and horror movies, said that Drive Angry with Nick Cage was a hoot and worthy of viewing.

The Hot Club

2011-07-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

Last Sportzine, I mentioned that the best way to see Water Fire is from Capt. Tom McGinn’s boat. I forgot to mention an important point – it only costs $10 per person. To get on board, call 580-BOAT for reservations. And the tour leaves from the Hot Club.

A guy was wearing a T shirt whose front said ‘Grog and Dog Jog’. The back of the Tee said ‘Gaggers’ and ‘Gansetts’. Sounds good to me - gaggers and ’gansetts.

The Perfusionist was reading a Sportzine. I asked him if he found anything interesting. The OR Man said, “Whoever writes this is a cretin!”

We were talking about kayaks and I expressed my fear of water to Mike Module and Dr. John. I told them, “I drown easily.” Said Dr. John, “Death is bad for your health.”

There was a song playing on the HC jukebox that sounded like Iggy Pop. It was called Head On and it was by the Jesus and Mary Chain.

Adam and I were talking about Let Me In which is a frame by frame recap of the Swedish vampire movie Let The Right One In. Adam said to check out the book which has a lot of stuff that was left out and is, of course, better. The reshoot reminded me of the Spanish movie REC which was re-done as Quarantine. What was the point of either re-shoot? $

Breaking News – the popcorn machine is back at the Hot Club. Its salty treats were sorely missed.

Joking Joe was telling a joke. I told Joe that you always want to have laughter. And I said that I believed in Jimmy Buffett’s line in Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes that ‘if we couldn’t laugh, we’d all go insane.’ Joking Joe mentioned Jeffrey Dahmer saying that he ate a clown once but he tasted funny.

The Wizard got a new Red Sox cap. He was proudly showing me that it’s a size XXXXXL. ORric said, “That’s how long he’s been out of high school.”

Mike Module saw me waving my damaged middle digit at Kirk the Younger. The Module said my finger was ‘mutating’.

The Hot Club

2011-06-14T14:51:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Jen, the HC’s bartender from the North Country, is a hockey fan (Montreal Canadiens). She admitted to rooting for the Canucks in the Stanley Cup Finals. I told her that if Vancouver didn’t win Game #5 at home they were done because they weren’t going to win Game #6 in Boston.

After the Bruins’ Michael Ryder scored goal #2 in Game #4, the Jack of Fire said: “Luongo’s all stick, no glove.” And the Bear ambled in and said Mark Recchi is the Bruin’s leading goal scorer (Finals). Yes, with 3 goals. Now Marchand and Rider have 3 also after the Game #6 win.

Scott McKay was talking up UVM’s Tim Thomas. Turns out Scott is also a graduate of the University of Vermont. Journalism? No, a history major. Instead of journalism, Scott says you take a lot of history, English and economics.

It was Buffalo Steve’s birthday and he was in the Hot Club. Charlie Clancy said he only celebrates his birthday every other year now. Charlie said it’s every other year because they go by twice as fast.

The Hot Club as Hotel California: Last Friday, the club was visited by Fran and Dan. Fran, the ‘Yankee Man’, was actually there with a cap-wearing Red Sox fan. And Dan, a good friend of Charlie Clancy’s, was also in the house. Dan hasn’t been around much, but he was at Lupo’s (as I was) when Richard Thompson played (10/28/10) last year. One of the best concerts I’ve seen in a long time. Fleet Feet Pete was there too.

Gentlemen Joe pointed out to me new ‘L’ brackets along the edge of the roof on the outside bar overlooking the marina. The whole roof was lifted up about a foot after the last thunder and lightning storm. Joe noted that the fabric canopy over Bar 5 was gone, torn to shreds, and three trees along the outside curb were snapped off. Mother Nature!

Wonder of wonders! Give thanks to the Gods of toiletry, the HC’s men’s room’s new right urinal has a companion on the left. Intrepid reporter Bags provided the News Flash.

In more ‘down the toilet’ news, the one in the men’s room stall makes a whooshing sound so you know that’s new too. These factoids were confirmed by Chief Poobah Eben Bates, who spilled that the ladies’ room fixtures have also been redone. Hooray!

So the next time I was using the men’s room, a newbie was complaining about how big the urinals were. I told him “This is better than it was.” He didn’t believe it.

The Hot Club

2011-06-14T14:47:00.001-07:00

HOT FLASH! The Hot Club Men’s Room now has a new right urinal, one of those eco-friendly Sloan water-less wide troughs. It replaces one whose handle would sometimes stick and when it did, the urinal would overflow. The HC has joined the 21st Century!

Beau was wearing a red T-shirt. Then I noticed that he was color coordinated – he was also wearing red Nike sneakers. Beau, resplendent in red.

Some stranger named Mike walked up to Mr. D. and me on the deck. He congratulated us and said that he wanted to be like us when he got our age. He seemed surprised that ole folks like us could still be having a good time. Methuselahs on a mission – to have fun.

Fleet Feet Pete went to see the Young Adults. Fleet Feet said that Rudy Cheeks wore Gumby boxing shorts. Mike Module also went. He said that the band had some horn problems, but sounded great on It’s A Complex World.

Patti Q was in the house recently. Mr. D., Patti and others have suggested that I join Facebook, but I’ve always resisted. Patti told me that I am now on Facebook. Well, the Sportzine is. Seems that Obasi put Sportzine on Facebook.

Foot Joy and I were talking about the Dave Bush - Brandon League ‘Bush-League connection’. I noted that Brandon League is now Seattle’s closer while David Aardsma is on the disabled list. Foot Joy thought Aardsma had gotten traded, so he got his Xoom from the car. Aardsma is on Seattle’s disabled list. The Xoom got the answer – a handy little machine that has a screen big enough you can read it (even with ancient eyes).

Foot Joy noted that Aardsma is now the first player listed statistically in Major League Baseball references. That honor was held for many years by Hank Aaron.

The Wizard said he had no verification but that there was a rumor that when they completed the Yale Bowl that they buried the steam shovels at the bottom. Urban legend?

High Wire Bill played Aaron Neville’s Tell It Like It Is. Bill said he’s seen him three times with the Neville Brothers, once at the Tent. Bill said they were awesome all three times. Bill said that when Aaron got off the bus, women cried. It was like the Beatles.

Broc was saying that he’s like school in summer – no class. Broc has a lot of class.

The Hot Club

2011-06-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

Charlie Clancy really likes Adrian Gonzalez’s inside-out swing. Charlie said it was the best one he’s seen since Fred Lynn. I had to agree. If only Freddy had stayed in Boston. He tattooed that wall in left!

Gentleman Joe compared women with fruit. He said women come in all sizes, shapes and colors. And you wait for them to get ripe. I said to Gentleman Joe: “What, men aren’t like fruit?”

Super Dave of the Grill played a song called Pepper. I checked to see who did the song since I had heard it before and liked it. It was by the Butthole Surfers.

Foot Joy and I were talking about great names in baseball like the Tigers’ Charlie Furbush. Foot Joy recalled when the Toronto Blue Jays had two relievers that often pitched one after the other. One was Dave Bush and the other was Brandon League (now the closer for Seattle). So the box score would read Bush – League.

Gentleman Joe introduced me to Meghan, a young woman who said she was ‘older than time itself’. She looked like a college student but said she had already graduated.

School Teacher Stephanie was enjoying the summer-like weather at the Hot Club. However Stephanie admitted that she got a little riled up after a guy with whom she was talking asked her who she was texting. Stephanie didn’t like the intrusion into her private life. “I don’t even know him”, she said.

There’s a new sign for boat tours on the deck of the HC replacing the one for Captain Joe’s (Dempsey) tours. Tom McGinn is now the captain and skippering the boat tours. There is no better way to see and hear Water Fire than from Tom’s boat. Just remember that you have to pick up the boat for Water Fire in Water Place Park (and make a reservation first at 580-BOAT). All other tours leave from the Hot Club pier.

Beau was trying to get through the crowd with a case of beer. Some guy in stripes accidentally hit Beau in the face as he walked by. Seeing this, Buffalo Steve said of the guy, “He looks like he should be in stripes.”

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-06-14T14:41:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

We were calling last Friday (the 20th) the Eve of End of Days. Eve of The Rapture. Gentleman Joe joked about Eve of Destruction by Barry McGuire, and then told Pal Al and I that he went out with a woman like that - Eva Destruction. As we were talking Blondie was doing Rapture in the background.

Asked Contraire what he was doing for The Rapture and he said he withdrew all his money and put it under his mattress.

Kirk the Younger had some good ideas for The Rapture – tell all those closest to you that you love them, settle old grudges and have an orgy. Rapture before The Rapture.

Bags said he thought the Bruins were in the Stanley Cup Finals in 1990 or 1991 against Edmonton. The last time I remember was in 1972 when they beat the Rangers for the Cup. A Goggle check reveals that the Bruins did indeed play the Edmonton Oiler for the Cup in 1990 and lost 4-1. The Bruins also lost to the Oilers in 1988 (4-0). Forgotten were the Bruins losses to Philly in ’74 (4-2), and Montreal in ’77 (4-0) and ’78 (4-2).

CJ saw my wounded hand (left middle finger) and said, “You can’t peg a finger at me.”

Chet, Charlie and I were talking about Bill Buckner, the Red Sox guest that night for the Cubs game. Charlie applauded the classy BoSox organization and recalled Billy Buck was also a Cub. I always defended Buckner and said it wasn’t his fault that they lost the World Series to the Mets. They were all to blame – Stanley, Gedman, Calvin Schiraldi. Schiraldi was never the same (after being a better pitcher than teammate Roger Clemens at Texas). I was so happy when the Red Sox brought back Buckner last year.

So Charlie was talking about how the Teixeiras around this area pronounce it as Tex, while the Yankees’ Mark Teixeira uses Tesh. Charlie said it was like Target or Tar – zhay – one sounds classier.

One of the Regulars, sometimes known as ‘Paulie Walnuts’, told me that the actor who plays ‘Paulie Walnuts’, as well as the one who is Bobby Baccala, were in the Hot Club around 12:30 Sunday afternoon. Sure enough, Jessa had a camera phone pic of herself and barmate Jackie with the two Sopranos actors. Jessa said she had never watched the show and didn’t know who they were.

Beau told me that the real ‘Paulie Walnuts’ ordered some food, but didn’t like the seeds on the roll, so they had to cut them off.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-05-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Foot Joy took a photo of a sign on a door. Why? Because it read “If a man’s alone in the woods with no women to hear him, is he still wrong?”

Amanda, the Hot Club’s resident expert on horror and psychotronic movies, said she saw Thor and liked it. We also discussed Piranha 3D, which both us found very entertaining. So I told Amanda that I read there will be a sequel to Piranha 3D called Piranha 3 DD.

I kid you not.

Patti Q stopped by the HC last week. It was her birthday. Her friend Cheryl, who went to St. Xavier’s with Patti, met up with her. Cheryl’s birthday is May 21. Cheryl said that someone has predicted that all the good people in the world will go to Heaven on that date – May 21, 2011. So Cheryl said that she invited a bunch of her friends to a party knowing that they’d all still be around. Cheryl is calling it The End of Days party.

My brother Brad came into town and showed us a full page ad in USA Today (Friday the 13th) that May 21, 2011 is ‘Judgment Day’ because there will be a worldwide earthquake that day. The ad trumpets Harold Camping’s book Time Has An End and website familyradio.com. Harold thought the end would be in 1994 (1994?), but left himself with an alternative date of 2011 so he could sell more books. The ad starts with the quote: “MY SHEEP HEAR MY VOICE”. This sheep isn’t being fleeced and says “Baaaa.”

Saw Scott McKay and greeted him with “Great Scott!”

The Wizard says that Jacoby Ellsbury has the PawSox record for longest hitting streak at 26 games. The old record was 18. A Google check shows that Ellsbury has the record of 25 straight in August of ’07 with Pawtucket. That beat the PawSox record of 19 held by Dave Stapleton and Dave Berg.

One of the regulars has a new nickname–Jelly. It’s from Analyze This. Jelly, phone home.

The Wise Man presented the Wizard with a special proclamation honoring him on his birthday. Whoever did it for Wise misspelled the Wizard’s last name.

Glad to see Alexander the Great back at the Hot Club. The Grate One had a bad accident in which a dumbwaiter fell on him and broke all his ribs on one side (12), caused a collapsed lung and mangled his ankle. We wish Alex a speedy return to good health.

On hearing this, Contraire said to Alex: “You only broke 12 ribs?”

Gentleman Joe was in the Hot Club last Friday and said that he had to go shake hands with The Don.

The Hot Club

2011-05-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

Not only does The Hot Club have a new toilet seat in the men’s room, but the booths have been paint brushed a new blue. The Hot Club is being made snazzy for the summer crowd. And there’s work being done on Bar 5.

The Hot Club as Hotel California – you can check out but you can never leave: Brothers Obasie and Bernard were there Sunday and sister Mary was still there too. The only one missing was Maya.

Chuck D Computer is back from China and had phone pix of dine out delicacies like whole squid, pigeon and duck eggs. The definition on the pictures was awesome for a phone (an I Phone I believe). Chuck ate donkey but not Francis the Mule. He didn’t speak highly of donkey meat. Chuck also had Sea Worm, which looks like tubular intestines.

Chuck and I were talking about the anniversary of Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space. It was after Russia sent a dog up first. I mentioned that the guy had to be small because the capsule was so small. Chuck said the guy had to like Milkbones too. Chuck said they also had a special arm that came out and it would whack you with a rolled up newspaper if you did something wrong. Not bad since he was coming off a 13-hour flight from China.

Voices overheard at the Hot Club: “Who has more credibility? (Gary) Sasse or (David) Cicilline?”

Foot Joy said that there was a woman named Barbara Leonard that ran against Bruce Sundlun for Governor. According to FJ, Sundlun made the remark that it was the first time that he had a blonde chasing him.

Bags had an upset stomach, and at some point he brought up coke syrup. My mother has always been a big believer in coke syrup. It used to be available over the counter but now is found only at the pharmacy.

Foot Joy mentioned that the Job Lot on Pawtucket Avenue used to be the Green Stamps redemption center. I once worked for Almacs and we gave Green Stamps with groceries.

Mike Module has a friend whose claim to fame is that he repaired John Cafferty’s vacuum cleaner. Vac Man said Beaver Brown’s Cafferty dropped it off just as his wife was going into labor. The vacuum was an Electro Luxe.

Chuck D said that Alexander the Great, who was seriously injured in a work-related accident, is better. We wish Alex a speedy recovery, and hope to see him at the HC soon.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-05-17T15:28:00.001-07:00

Stevie Saucepan Hands told me he was ‘honest in his dishonesty’. I told him that sounded dishonest to me.

Wise and Bags were wondering where they’re going to hang out (beside the Hot Club) now that the Hi Hat has closed. The Wanderer suggested Twin River. Both Wise and Bags said they consider anybody who goes to Twin River to be a ‘degenerate gambler’.

On the dock below the marina side bar (near the doors), there is a No Parking Sign still attached to its post lying on the deck. For the boats?

Joking Joe said that he only comes to the Hot Club on nights that end in ‘y’.

Per Pal Al, fraternity brother Joe Machowski used to work at the SS Victoria, which used to be docked at the Hot Club. Al said the SS Victoria was sold and was going to Baltimore to be harbored there but sank while on the way.

I was telling all those who would listen that Kevin Youkilis, the Greek God of Walks (so named by Oakland GM Billy Beane) is not really Greek. A Google check (via Wikipedia) shows that Youkilis is Romanian.

Patti Quimby recently visited the Hot Club. She is into Facebook, which she called
‘Being in a bar in your pajamas.’

While getting a Smithwicks at McCoy Stadium, beer tender Terry (who reads Sportzine) told me that he and his wife went to Barrington College with Women’s’ Baseball League star Wilma Briggs. Wilma must have gone late in life because Terry is much younger.

According to Kirk Feather, who is a jazz enthusiast, ‘Zoot’ Sims was once asked about fellow tenor saxophonist Stan Getz. Asked what kind of man Stan Getz was, John Haley ‘Zoot’ Sims reportedly replied, “a nice bunch of guys”.

Wise mentioned it was a great career move by Elvis to die (at least for his estate). For the same reason, I brought up James Dean. Two of Dean’s three movies (Rebel Without A Cause and Giant) were released posthumously.

The Hot Club

2011-05-17T15:12:00.001-07:00

The Jack of Fire said he was having trouble with vowels. The Wise Man heard Jack to say he was having trouble with his bowels. I reminded Wise that Jack had told us that he had a compacted colon, I mean compounded cola.

In one of those special Hot Club moments, the men’s room was the scene for this remark from Ponytail Bob: “The place is so tight, you have to step outside to change your mind.”

Dr. John took one look at my bandaged middle finger and said, “Bet you’re glad you’re not playing piano tonight.”

Dr. John was talking about the movie Battle of Britain (1969). He said that they were having a tough time coming up with the vintage aircraft needed to make the WW II movie. The problem was solved in part by ‘the Confederate Air Force’, a group of rich Texans who owned historical planes, including Spitfires. The one request by the Confederate ‘Colonels’: we get to fly’em. They did.

An IMDb check shows that many of the Messerschmitts and Heinkel bombers used in Battle of Britain were provided by the Spanish Air Force (some planes were still being used – the Spanish made them). Spanish Air Force pilots flew these planes in the movie.

The good doctor also recalled a showing of The Killing Fields to a group that included Cambodian movie goers. The film about war and tragedy was met with laughter by the Cambodian viewers. When asked what they found funny, the group revealed that the extras in the movie speaking Cambodian were actually saying bad things about the film.

I was busting Wiz about the company that makes his car of choice, Saab, being bought by some no name outfit. Spyker, Wiz said. Wiz went into an explanation of how Spyker makes high performance cars. Buffalo Steve commented that they did until buying Saab.

Still waters run deep or did you know that Mary, once the Hot Club’s chef, not only has her undergrad degree (Conservation and Wildlife), but is now pursuing her Master’s in Conservation Genetics at URI.

Stevie Saucepan Hands said he used a calculator and the Red Sox would have to play .641 ball to win 100 games. And that was before the losses to NY and TB.

Charlie Clancy noted that the Red Sox had won 6 straight opening day games. They came into Friday’s game 0 and 6. So Charlie said there was going to be a 7 somewhere.

The Hot Club

2011-04-05T14:57:00.001-07:00

After I gave Contraire the Zine, he said it was upside down. Then I noticed he was reading it upside down.

Wiz told me that there’s a new ‘character’ at the Hot Club. Wiz said a woman came in and after being introduced to five of our finest male regulars, she said, ‘I’ll take you all on.’ So the Wizard immediately nicknamed her ‘Take 5’.

Reportedly Jokin’ Joe then asked ‘Take 5’ if she could spare 30 minutes – enough time for all five of them and an extra 5 minutes so she could take a shower.

James and Alana visited the Hot Club and I asked Alana if she had seen last week’s Zine in which I mentioned them meeting Wilma Briggs, who played in the women’s professional baseball league during World War II. Alana was thrilled and said she had heard that she was in ‘the Hot Club Times’.

Saw Jessa and she admitted she has not yet finished her EMT training. She did not get to go to the Bartenders’ Ball in Boston, but Becky went with grillmeisters Josh and Dave in a limo for 6. Oh and Tom, who said he had a hand in concocting ‘spring fever’, didn’t.

Fleet Feet Pete asked me who wrote the Jimmy Buffett song Let’s Get Drunk And Screw. I said I thought it was Buffett but would check. On Buffett’s Greatest Hits, it says the song was written by M. Gardens. A Google search revealed that Marvin Gardens (from Monopoly) is the pseudonym Buffett used in writing the tune. The song was the B-side to Buffett’s single The Great Filling Station Holdup (1973). We know which one did better.

I told Broc that I was given range of motion exercises for my left hand in order to regain function in the hand and the middle finger. Broc said “Do it on the highway.”

And when I told Broc’s brother Beau about injuring my left middle finger, he cautioned me, “Watch where you put that thing.”

Recently someone tore off the Hot Club men’s room toilet seat. Good news – there is a new toilet seat, though most of us would only use that toilet seat under extreme duress.

I mentioned to Foot Joy that I forgot about the season the Red Sox opened in Japan on March 25 vs. the A’s. FJ said that’s what happens with people of advanced age. That’s ‘of mature age’. Mature, like fine wine.

The Hot Club

2011-03-29T15:21:00.001-07:00

The Wise Man says he knows a guy who was surprised that Butler had a team in the NCAA’s. The guy was talking about Butler Hospital.

Our pal Al said that the rooting chant for Morehead State is More! Head! More! Head! And we don’t know what the mascot is. Imagine if they played Ball State. ‘Ball! More!...’

Jessa asked why she wasn’t in the Hot Club section of the Zine. She said she was about to finish her EMT training. Since I’ve been on the DL, Jessa is probably an EMT by now.

Alana and James have season tickets for the URI basketball games. This year, said Alana, there was a woman who was handing out baseball cards of herself. It was Wilma Briggs, who was featured in the movie A League Of Their Own about the women’s baseball league during World War II. Wilma Briggs is 80 (11/6/30).Thanks to Alana for the tip.

Naturally I told everyone the gory details of my finger injury. After the garage door took a bite out of my finger, Victoria’s son Hugh raced me to Miriam Hospital. To stop the blood (and avoid messing up Hugh’s car), I put my left hand in my mouth. When the person at triage asked me questions, I removed my hand from my mouth. The Hugh Man came over with a wet cloth and told me to wipe my face. When I asked why, Hugh said, “Because you look like a vampire.”

When I told Fleet Feet Pete and Mike Module about injuring my finger, Fleet Feet said, “Oh, you had a Stevie Saucepans moment.” And when I told Mary, who used to work the grill, that the pain was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, she corrected me. Mary said that was on a man’s scale. On a woman’s pain scale, it would have been a 6.

Jessa wanted it on record that she and Becky won the first annual RI Jameson’s Specialty Drink Competition. The drink is called ‘Spring Fever’ (it was a Hot Club collaboration also involving Emily, Dave, and Tom) and consists of Jameson’s, Bärenjäger, ginger ale and bitters. Jessa and Becky won a trip for 6 to the Boston Bartenders’ Ball. Salute!

We were talking about the baseball season starting in March (31st). Foot Joy brought in his Motorola Xoom tablet to confirm it. The Wise Man asked if the Xoom could take pictures and Foot Joy promptly took a pic of Wise and me.

Recent visitors to the Hot Club: Patti Q, Christine and Mike, Grillman Tom, both Kirks, and Debbie, a past HC bartender, who was bartending with her daughter Jen.

Charlie Clancy said PC’s hiring of Ed Cooley was the best since Joe Mullaney because Cooley has passion and will stay a long while.

The Hot Club

2011-02-08T15:55:00.001-08:00

Mentioned to Britt that she was in last week’s Sportzine but not the Hot Club section. She was in the Bullets column for her knowledge of soccer. Sure enough when I brought up John Henry’s Liverpool team, she said that Fernando Torres, who just got transferred to Chelsea, would get to play against his old Liverpool team this weekend.

Britt said that Torres is very talented and has the nickname of ‘Ladyboy’ because he used to have long, dyed-blonde hair. ‘Ladyboy’. Turns out ‘Ladyboy’ didn’t do well in that Chelsea – Liverpool match which Liverpool won 1-nil.

Recently Jimmy Chelo’s nephew Bruce visited the HC and told us about the World Championship Mud Bowl which is held in North Conway NH the week after Labor Day. It’s double-elimination. The Fire Department waters down the field to make the mud. Muscle shirts and shorts are worn but you need something to wrap your feet as there are rocks among the mud.

Bruce went with a team from Cumberland, Rhode Island to the World Championship Mud Bowl. It’s for charity. Bruce said you can punch it into the Internet and check it out. Bruce said he’s been doing the Mud Bowl for 24 years.

Chet wanted to know from Bruce where he practiced Mud Ball in Rhode Island. Near Cumberland High School, an unfinished square plot near the tennis courts. There are about 20 guys on the team and there are only 7 on the field at one time. The field is narrower and is not as long, but you have to go10-feet for a first down. The field is 50 yards long, about 30 feet wide. Bruce says he’s fast in the mud. Ever since he was a kid he’s always run on his toes. It’s the only way to gain any speed in mud. Flat footed’s bad.

Congratulations to Mary Ellen, the Green Bay Packers’ fan, who is fanning the flames of a fireman somewhere in Wisconsin. Maybe the Caustic Cutie knows where.

The Wizard of the Web was telling me about Anchor Steam beer and that the Hot Club actually carried it. I knew that Anchor Steam is made in San Francisco and it’s the smallest brewery in the country. Wiz said a friend of his went to school with a guy who bought the Anchor Steam brewery because it was going out of business. The guy’s father was a Fortune 500 CEO. The Hot Club didn’t have any Anchor Steam Wednesday night.

Buffalo Steve was telling me about a movie called The Tao of Steve. It’s about a guy who is into 3 Steves: one real - Steve McQueen and two roles – Steve McGarrett and Steve Austin. I told Buffalo Steve that I found out that the studio would not let McQueen do the motorcycle jumps in The Great Escape. They couldn’t risk an injury. McQueen lives!

The Hot Club

2011-02-08T15:52:00.001-08:00

Asked Contraire how he did in the AFC and NFC championships and he wouldn’t answer. When I returned to the subject, Contraire said he had won with his stocks last week. That tells me the bets didn’t go so well.

Mike Module told me about going to Mt. Snow, Vermont in the summer when they had naked bicycle races (‘the Naked Crit’; Ed: Crit is for Criterion). Men and women naked on bikes. People passed a hat and collected money to give to the winners. Mike Module even has pictures to prove it.

Turns out Dr. John also knew about the Naked Crit bike races at Mt. Snow. Some of the women were known as the ‘Luna Chicks’ for the sports bars. Dr. John said it was part of the NORBA (National Off-Road Bicycle Association) races at Mt. Snow, but they don’t have the naked races any more. I told Dr. John and Mike Module that if I did that race, I’d want a woman’s bike with no bar in the middle.

The Herbster revealed that he has 7 television sets. None of which are flat screen as the Wise Man noted. Herbie says each TV is set up with a videotape machine. 7 VHS videotape machines! Glad to see that Herb has joined the 21st Century. Oh and Herb wants me to mention that he buys and sells videotape machines and the tapes.

We were kidding the Herbinator about all the jobs he has had. Herb was partners in the first cell phone company in RI (I believe with Bruce Sundlun). Someone asked Herb if he’d ever been a bookie. I told the guy that that wasn’t on Herb’s resumé, but Herb interjected to say, “I am a bookie – I deal in antique books.”

Told Becky that we were surprised she knew who Ron Jeremy is (because of her youth, naturally). Becky said, of course, she knew who Ron Jeremy is since she wasn’t born under a rock. Then she added, “But I don’t know him in the way you guys know him.”

Mike Module said they were rooting for the Patriots against the Jets, but in the 4th quarter, they were all chanting “Bring on the Red Sox.”

Last Friday was a smorgasbord of Hot Club characters. A partial list: the Warden, the Consigliere, 5 Angels, Bags, Syracuse Jen, my brother Brad, Contraire, Jimmy Chelo and Chet, Herb, Wise, Wiz, Foot Joy, Frequent Flyer, Mike Module, his sister Liz and hubby Tom, Fleet Feet Pete, Mike K, Bernie of LJs, ‘Cajun’ Steve et al. You had to be there.

The Hot Club

2011-01-25T13:56:00.001-08:00

Somewhere in Wisconsin, one-time Hot Club regular ME (Mary Ellen) is rooting for her Green Bay Packers.

Last week, we were talking about the AFC Championship game and I was shocked to learn that both Mike Module and his brother Kevin were rooting for the Jets against the Steelers. No, No, Nooooooo. Mike Module did note to me that the Jets played man-to-man on the Pats’ outside receivers and zone in the middle of the field.

Fleet Feet Pete and I were talking about how none of us wants to read Jim Donaldson of the Pro Jo because he is so negative. I mentioned a recent Donaldson downer column about the young PC Friars. Fleet Feet likened Donaldson to the Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy. “Yeah” I said. “He’s the Rhode Island Shaughnessy.”

The Hot Club’s ‘Asshole Cook’ (his own nickname!) was talking to his friend Liam, who was reading Sportzine. Liam noticed the quote about 3D porn. Liam said he wouldn’t want to see Ron Jeremy in 3D. Becky said she wouldn’t want to see Ron Jeremy in 2D. Of Ron Jeremy, Bags said “There’s hope for us.” Liam agreed and said that Jeremy was in there for us, this could be you, but with a 10-inch cock. Asshole Cook said “Most women wouldn’t want a 10-inch cock. Torn uterus?”

Kelley told the Bear (in from his cave) and I that Tom Brady is the spokesperson for male Uggs (‘Muggs’). She said this very disapprovingly, feeling that this is not a good thing.

We have to check this out. Maybe Gisele is behind this.

Yep, if you Google ‘male Uggs’, Tom Brady comes up as the first ever spokesperson for male Uggs, the shoe/boot company out of Australia. There is no mention of money, but this quote from Tom: “"I have worn and loved the UGG brand for a long time," (Nick Coman/NESN- 11/30/10)

Charlie Clancy told me that the Jets beat the Patriots “at the point of attack”. The offensive and defensive lines. “It’s good basic football, added Charles at Large. Jimmy Chelo, Dr. John and I all agreed.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2011-01-25T13:54:00.001-08:00

Mike Module and Fleet Feet Pete are working on a new song for when they play out as Mike and The Professor. The song is called “Pretty Good at Drinking Beer”. Hey, I’ll raise a pint glass to that.

The Hot Club recently had its employees’ Christmas Party on a Sunday. We hear that Patti Quimby and Brittan Bates returned to bartend for their former co-workers. CJ said Tom Bates didn’t want any current employees to have to work at their own party. Salute!

Fleet Feet Pete has a challenge for all Boston Red Sox fans – come up with the starting lineup of the Red Sox on opening day, including position. Mr. Feet added, “Who do you put where and why?” Mine starts with LF Carl Crawford and ends with CF Jacoby Ellsbury.

The Fleet One wants to have Carl Crawford batting in front of David Ortiz so that you take away the shift used against Ortiz. Hmmm. Very interesting.

The Wizard was talking about a Major League pitcher named Tom Simpson. I remembered him vaguely as a relief pitcher in the NL, maybe Cincinnati. The Wiz said he pitched for the Cubs.

In the background the Hot Club jukebox was playing Rod Stewart doing Reason to Believe”. I told Wiz that I loved early Rod Stewart and he pointed out it was sung while Stewart was with the Faces. Wiz said Reason to Believe was written by Ty Hardin. I said “Maybe Glen Hardin”. It was Tim Hardin, who wrote the song and recorded it in 1965.

Pal Al says that there is good fishing and great fishing. Good fishing is when you go and great fishing is when you catch something.

Fleet Feet Pete said that his mother not only threw out all the family LP records, but also all of Pete’s baseball card collection, including Ted Williams’ rookie card (1939).

Asked Kelly if she had a good time at the Narragansett Beer anniversary party at The Met. Kelly had a great time and met one of the original four “Hi Neighbor girls’. Each of the girls got the use of a Cadillac convertible for four months. The woman, now a grandmother, had pictures (black and white) of her stint in 1963.

Told the guys I saw Piranha 3D. Our Pal wondered if there was a market for 3D porn.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks to Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2010-12-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Fleet Feet Pete made the mistake of saying that the Yankees generally had not overpaid for their talent. After an assault of derisive cries from Wise, Foot Joy, and me, Fleet Feet tried to call Timeout! No can do! No Timeout! Fleet Feet then adjusted it to ‘the Yankees make fewer mistakes when they overpay’. Nah!

The Wizard played Savoy Brown’s rendition of Tell Mama on the Hot Club jukebox. I said “That’s the Etta James song.” Told Wiz it was a big hit for her and I saw Etta do it at a USO Tour in Turkey. So Wiz checked on his phone and found out that Clarence Carter wrote the song and Etta James recorded it. Billboard’s Top 40 Hits shows that the song debuted December 30, 1967. It made it to #23. Etta was discovered by Johnny Otis.

So in talking about music, Buffalo Steve recalled Ring, Ring, Telephone Ring (Rings). Steve said Lobo did it but Cymarron had it first (1971 per Billboard). I told BS that I have a greatest hits CD by Minnesota’s legendary 12-stringer, Leo Kottke, who does it.

Asked Charlie Clancy if he remembered walking through the snow to the Civic Center to see PC play basketball just after the Blizzard of ’78. Ah yes. Charlie recalled it was against North Carolina. Rich said he was tending bar at Martinque’s, a place across the street from Mike Solomon’s Wes’ Rib House.

We were talking about the Herbster’s golf machine, a wooden contraption that tees up the ball for the practicing golfer. Buffalo Steve thought that newer machines do it better. Mike Module said that Herb’s machine is going to the Smithsonian Museum.

Charlie Clancy asked me when the last time it was 0 degrees at noontime in Providence, Rhode Island. Not wind chill. Zero degrees. I asked, “Are we talking Centigrade or Fahrenheit?’ Charlie, after a fashion, said Fahrenheit scale. “How many Kelvins is that?” asked Buffalo Steve. So when was the last time? Charlie said, “Your job. Look it up.”

Handed the Jack of Fire a copy of Sportzine. He asked me if he was in it. “No”, I said. The Jack of Fire asked, “Why should I read this when I’m not in it?” Little did Jack know that Mr. Contraire had once uttered almost the same words.

Mike Module brought in a couple chestnuts on shoelaces. Chestnuts. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. I can sense a new nickname for Mike Module. Yes, we played ‘Kingers’ with chestnuts. If you broke the opponent’s chestnut, you got all his wins on top of yours.

The Hot Club

2010-12-14T14:02:00.001-08:00

Chet, Jimmy Chelo’s friend, brought up the name Marcus Dupree to me. Chet saw an ESPN special called ‘The Greatest That Never Was’, and noted Dupree set a Fiesta Bowl rushing record (239 yards on 17 carries vs. Ariz. St.). I remember Dupree as a running back out of Oklahoma. A Google check shows that Dupree signed with the USFL and wrecked his knee. He played a little for the LA Rams but retired because of his knee.

Jimmy Chelo told me that Jim Brown never wore hip pads.

Jimmy said he played high school football (East High) for local legend Alex Nahigian. Jimmy wasn’t in the game but his fans kept calling for him to be put in with chants of “We want Chelo!” So the coach called Jimmy over and pointed up into the stands and said, “Chelo, go up there. Your fans want you.”

Asked Wiz how he was doing and he said, “Good.” I added, “Can I quote you on that?” Wiz said, “Yeah but you won’t get it right.”

The next time I saw Wiz, he called me “Mr. Misquote”.

Fleet Feet Pete told me to check out the website Pandora.com which rates current music (thumbs up, thumbs down) and plays various songs.

Told Mike Module, Fleet Feet, Wise and Wiz about Neil Young’s warehouse burning down. It contained guitars and vintage autos. The fire apparently started with Neil’s ’59 Lincoln Continental that Young was trying to turn into an electric car. Only Neil.

We were talking about music and I told Bags, Wise and Wiz that I came across an unusual and chilling fact – Al ‘Blind Owl’ Wilson of Canned Heat died 9/3/70. Jimi Hendrix passed away 9/18/70. Janis Joplin died 10/4/70. So they all passed from this mortal coil within about a month of each other. They were all just 27 years old.

A club on The Hill got raided. Again. Both times, local legend Contraire was not there when the bust went down. Quizzed about this, Contraire said, “And I won’t be there the next time they get raided.”

Congrats to Kelley who is Miss September in the Narragansett Beer dance girls’ calendar.

The Hot Club

2010-11-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

We were talking about Frank Caprio telling President Obama to shove his endorsement. To me, that was ‘a career limiting statement’. If Caprio ever runs again, it will follow him around, haunt him. Talk about the Scarlet Letter. Spell it ‘S’ for Shove it. ‘S’ for stupid.

The Warden waltzed in. I told him that I hadn’t seen him in quite some time. He said, “It’s Halloween.”

Overheard at the Hot Club – an overheated regular was talking about someone who really got on their nerves, and said, “He takes the beast out of me.”

Fleet Feet Pete said that ‘mortgage’ is from the Latin and means ‘death case’. Mort-gage.

The Hot Club’s Josh (the one that works) wanted to add George Carlin to the list of comic geniuses. I agreed and told Josh that Buffalo Steve and I weren’t trying to be all-inclusive in our list. I said that I would also add Peter Sellers to that group.

The Herbster stopped by as I was talking to Sovereign Caroline. He greeted her warmly and kissed her on the cheek. Herb said that you have to do that with a beautiful woman. The Herbalogist said that it’s a custom in Germany to kiss beautiful women on both cheeks. I told him he was lucky to get one cheek.

Jimmy Chelo was showing us some exercises to do for a bad back. Mario looked at Jimmy doing them and said ‘bedroom calisthenics’.

We were talking about the Saturday Night Live fake Favre Wrangler Jeans ad. Affable Al said his wife just bought him a pair of jeans – Wranglers. Not the ‘Open Fly’ version that SNL showed. Al said of Wrangler jeans ‘their numbers are up’. Yes, their stock is rising.

The Warden was listening to Contraire babble on. I asked the Warden, “Would you believe anything Contraire said?” The Warden said, “Did he say anything?”

Mike K wanted props for predicting back in February that Delonte West would go South on the Celtics. At this time, Delonte, after whacking Von Wafer, is still a Celtic.

As Mike K was repeating that he had predicted Delonte’s Descent, I held my digital recorder to get it accurately. Sitting behind Mike K, Pauly could be heard observing: “This guy keeps records of everything.”

The Hot Club

2010-11-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Jules should be proud of her crew at Massey’s Glass in Johnston. They alerted police to the whereabouts of a bank robber by flashing their vehicles’ lights to get the attention of the cops. The miscreant had stuffed stolen money (with a dye pack) in his pants. When the dye pack exploded, he ran into a restaurant men’s room to rid himself of the red dye (talk about a ‘scarlet letter’). The Massey’s Glass gang pointed out the restaurant and the cops cuffed the guy in the men’s room.

After speaking with Mike Module and Fleet Feet Pete, I told them I was going back to talk with Sovereign Caroline who had stopped by the HC. I told the Module and Fleet Feet that I would be back. Mike Module said, “Thanks for warning us.”

The Falcon swooped in to the Hot Club and told me about one Cliff High, who has a website webbot and has a book entitled Half Past Human. Mr. High has predicted some traumatic event will occur November 8-11. The Falcon said that whatever happens is supposed to be 10 to 10,000 times worse than 9/11. Hope Cliff is wrong.

The Jack of Fire was talking about the San Francisco Giants’ offense when he said “They have as much pop in their lineup as a sophomore hop punch.”

The Wizard and I were talking music and it turns out that we both really like Ry Cooder. The Wiz said to see the movie Crossroads with Ralph Macchio, if nothing else but for the music which is by Ry Cooder (he produced the soundtrack). The Wiz then played Willie Brown Blues from it.

So the conversation turned to Canned Heat when Boogie Children II was on the HC jukebox (Hooker N’ Heat). Wiz said he remembered seeing Canned Heat play the Waterfront Festival back when Bob Hite, ‘the Bear’, was still alive.

We were watching the NL playoffs and Roy ‘Doc’ Halladay was throwing a no-hitter. When Halladay completed the gem (not a perfect game – he walked one), someone asked when the last no-hitter in the playoffs had occurred. I said 1956 when Don Larson of the Yankees did it in the World Series against the Brooklyn Dodgers. And it was a perfect game. Wise and Wiz said that they weren’t alive in 1956 so they weren’t sure if I was telling the truth.

The Hot Club

2010-10-19T16:14:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

The Boud and his wife The Boudess visited the Hot Club and they were with Jack and Lori Lyle. Jack and Lori met at the Hot Club 24 years ago (back when there was just the inner bar and one on the water side where the booths used to be). So it was Jack and Lori’s anniversary – October 10. And this anniversary, it was 10/10/10. Bravo! The Hot Club, where you can check out but you can never leave.

And The Boud and Boudess met on 10/9. 29 years ago. They met at Harbourside. I said ‘Lobstermania’. And the Suit was there too, in from the West Coast.

Peter, the Keeper of the Gate at the HC, was there last Wednesday with Annette. The two had just tied the knot. The Zine wishes them a joyful marriage. Peter and Annette will soon repeat the nuptials in Guatemala.

Annette hadn’t bestowed her bouquet on anyone. So she dashed to the bar’s half door and tossed the bouquet to Kelley, who caught it with great grace and aplomb.

According to Peter, Annette’s parents named her after Annette Funicello because her family liked to watch The Mouseketeers.

Ernie, Contraire and I were talking about NFL picks and we were on the Raiders – 49ers game. Josh (Peter’s brother) innocently asked, “Oh is that game being played in the Bay area?” We paused for a minute and then realized Josh got us all. He zinged us.

Asked Contraire whether he’d take the Vikings or the Cowboys. Contraire said to take the Vikings because the Cowboys were playing like ‘Cowgirls’.

I mentioned that Contraire was a Psych major at RIC. FootJoy said Contraire was “a psycho at RIC.”

Alexander the Grate was sipping a scotch named ‘Red Breasts’. I asked him who made it. ‘Heineken’, he said. Red Breasts? Guess that would put some color in your cheeks.

Chuck D. said that there are two things that happen to you when you get older. One is that your memory starts going. And what the f*** is the other one?

Buffalo Steve and I were talking about genius comics. Steve and I agreed on Jerry Seinfeld and he added Bob Newhart, Mort Sahl and Lenny Bruce. For me I had to mention Steve Allen (the first late night show) and Ernie Kovacs, a TV visionary.

The Hot Club

2010-10-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

I asked where the Herbster was and someone said he was at Faberge, a private club. I recalled Groucho Marx’s line “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

Sovereign Caroline was telling me how to contact her when Alexander the Grate quipped, “www.leopardskindress.com.”

Jimmy Chelo said he met a woman in a coffee shop and used the expression ‘helluva coincidence’. She didn’t believe that you could put an adjective in front of ‘coincidence’. I agreed with him that you could and ‘helluva coincidence’ worked for me. Jimmy said if he ran into the woman again in downtown Bagdad, wouldn’t that be a ‘helluva coincidence’?

Alexander the Grate agreed with me about the smallness of the Hot Club men’s room. However Alex said that the HC WC was more like a ‘broom closet’.

Mike Module noted to me that some times you take the elevator and sometimes you take the shaft. The elevator is always smooth.

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love was playing on the HC jukebox. When it got to the refrain in Addicted to Love, Jokin’ Joe said, “You might as well face it, your dick is a glove.” Joe said it was like “Scuse me while I kiss this guy” for Hendrix’ ‘kiss the sky’. I told Joe that there is a word for that – Chuck D told me about it - a mondegreen.

Herb said to tell everyone he’s taking a truck to a large antique radio flea market (Near Fest in Deerfield, NH). Anyone with old radios who is interested, Herb will sell ’em for you. You’ll need to call him by Thursday though. You can contact Herb at 640-5389.

Kelley revealed that she is one of the Narragansett dancing girls who promote the beer. I was looking for the new Narragansett Oktoberfest beer but the HC does not have it yet. Kelley said her boyfriend, who works at Trinity, was the brew master who oversaw Narragansett’s Oktoberfest.

The Hot Club as Hotel California: Lizzie was seen sans multi-colored hair and Cementhead made a brief appearance though he left after he was spotted.

I mentioned about Brett Favre being accused of playing around. Kenny, Son of Vince, said they all do it. Whether they have girlfriends or wives. Women in every city. They are rock n’ roll stars playing sports.

The Hot Club

2010-10-09T15:12:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

That noted ornithologist and observer of chicks, ‘Birdman’, watched a well-endowed woman walk by and commented “Nice rack.” Mike Module observed that ‘Birdman’ had just had a ‘Rack Attack’.

The Hot Club has a new sign atop the building. It replaces one that just said ‘Hot’. Doorman Marty provided the historical perspective. The original sign did say ‘Hot Club’, but the ‘Club’ part fizzled out and was lain on its side for 15 years. As a result you just saw ‘Hot’. Marty said that the guy that put in the new sign met his wife at the Hot Club.

There was an Internet link last week (via NESN!) re the Toucher and Rich show on 98.5 The Sports Hub. Mentioned it to Foot Joy but he hadn’t stooped to follow it. ‘Rich’ was at a Celtics press conference and asked DelonteWest if he indeed was dating LeBron James’ mother. Someone can be heard screaming ‘basketball questions only’. Delonte did not answer the query. In their intro to the bit, Toucher and Rich noted that there is a T-shirt in Cleveland that says ‘LeBron is heading South, but his Mother is still riding West’.

When the Red Sox were eliminated from playoff contention, I asked Foot Joy and the Wise Man “Who do we root for in the playoffs?” Wise was as perplexed as I was while FJ said “Minnesota”. I pointed out the Twins have a terrible record against the Yankees, and have not beaten NY in the playoffs. So is it Texas with ex-BoSox David Murphy?

On a similar note, Marty spoke of how the Buffalo Bills always lost in the playoffs. I recalled them losing 3 years in a row (it was 4!) with Jim Kelly as the QB. However I pointed out to Marty that the Bills had won the AFL championship before the NFL-AFL merger. QB Jack Kemp led the Bills to a title. A check of my ESPN Sports Almanac shows that the Bills won the AFL Championship in 1964 and 1965.

The Hot Club as Hotel California: Stevie Saucepans was back in the house last week and Theda Bara Sara got married on the deck Sunday. In fact, Wendy, once an HC server, was at Sara’s wedding. Congratulations to Red Sox fan Sara and her spouse Russ.

Fleet Feet Pete recalled a time in 2004 when the Red Sox were not playing well. Several Sox including Garciaparra, Varitek, Pedro and Lowe were all in contract years. Fleet Feet said he was in a bar and a Boston fan asked him what the Sox should do. The Fleet One said, “I’d keep Varitek and I’d buy the Minnesota Twins.”

Dr. John and I were talking about URI’s rare win over Brown in football. Dr. John said that in a past year when URI was beating Brown, the Brown rooting section chanted, “That’s alright. That’s OK. You’re going to work for us some day.” John said they also had a cheer for the defense: “Give me a B. Give me an R. Give me an A. What have you got? BRA. Hold’em. Hold’em.”

The Hot Club

2010-10-09T15:09:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

A regular rocker was with a woman when they started searching beneath the table for something. I asked them what they were looking for and the woman said “My eye.” I said, “Oh you lost your contact?” She said, “No, I lost my eye. I lost my false eye.” I wasn’t sure if she really meant it. Later, The Rocker told me she was only kidding.

There was a show on the HC TV about Chinese food. They were using the very hot red Chinese chili peppers. 80 times hotter than jalapeños. CJ was still willing to try it and wondered just how hot the food could be. Beau told CJ “You’d know if after you took a dump. You’d have to pat it. You wouldn’t even be able to wipe it.”

Buffalo Steve was wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Stay thirsty my friend’. We then discussed the Dos Equis ad with the aging actor and how successful it is. Fleet Feet Pete then filled us in on how effective the Gecko has been for GEICO and the duck for AFLAC.

Alexander the Grate saw my 500th photo of the Hot Club men’s room fixtures and said, “This guy’s a pisser. Urine Al”.

We were wondering what the boat was that was visible through the Hurricane Barrier openings. Dr. John told us it was a ‘liberty ship’ commissioned during World War II. The ‘liberty ships’ were boxy and cheap. Dr. John said that the US built the liberty ships faster than the Germans could sink them.

So as luck would have it, Jimmy Chelo and Mario strolled by and they had just taken a tour of the liberty ship that we were observing, the ‘John Brown’. So I had them talk to Dr. John about the liberty ship. They immediately started talking about the ‘gun tubs’.

At the end of the conversation, I pointed to the white boat and said “So that’s a liberty ship.” They said no, no, not the white one, the grey one behind it.

That led to Mario and I talking about WW II German battleships and the Bismarck and Graf Spee came up. Mario said that the Germans didn’t protect the rudder and propeller area of the ships. They thought that it could only take a lucky hit to disable them, but that’s what happened with the Bismarck. It ended up going around in circles after being hit. I thought of the Johnny Horton song, Sink the Bismarck.

The Hot Club

2010-10-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

It was fun to pass out the 500th issue of Sportzine and the special commemorative Hot Club edition with trivia and photos. Some of the ‘Usual Suspects’ wondered why they weren’t among the photos, but I took the pix back in August of 2002.

Bags has the most correct answers on the Trivia contest (so far). Karen, Broc’s Significant Other, couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t just give her the answers to the Trivia. Karen, just ask Contraire or Bags.

When I showed Beau his picture and Broc’s in the commemorative Hot Club edition, Beau responded, “Awesome Dawson.”

Big Kenny, seeing the Hot Club Special, said, “The print is getting bigger. You must be getting older.”

Contraire even came up to me and asked for another copy of the Hot Club special edition. Then I found out it was because he wanted some scratch paper.

Mike Module was talking to Fleet Feet Pete and said something that was Zine worthy. When I asked him to repeat it, he couldn’t (or wouldn’t). It was not in the moment any more said the Module. I asked him, “You can’t help me here? You can’t butcher it like I normally would in repeating it?” Mike said it wasn’t that Zine worthy any way. I told him, “Let me be the judge of that.”

Roy was talking about people who think that the world will end soon – on December 21, 2012. Roy said it was based on the Mayan calendar. Fleet Feet Pete said that they’ve found that using the Mayan calendar that that date has already occurred.

Later Roy was trying to dry his hands in the men’s room, but he couldn’t find the infra red area on the towel dispenser to make it work. When Roy did locate it, I said, “You found it. You found the G spot.”

One of the ‘Usual Suspects’, Mike, told me he went to Merrimack. While there, he said Hugh Millen was the QB for the Patriots. I told him that those were the bad old days of Dick MacPherson and owner Victor Kiam (and Lisa Olsen vs. Zeke Mowatt).

So Merrimack Mike told me someone didn’t finish their drink. In fact, it was a full one that was untouched, so Merry Mike took it and drank it. Merrimack Mike said, “There are

sober children in China. It’s like throwing away food, right?”

The Hot Club

2010-10-09T15:00:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

The Jules asked Jimmy Chelo if he were going to have a hookah bar. When I heard it, I thought she asked him if he were going to have a ‘hooker bar’. The hearing is going too.

We were using the WC and I told Ernie that you don’t really buy beer, you rent it as I made my return. The Earnest One said “This is the used beer department.”

The Cisco Kid was in town. He said that he had a Stan Lee autographed original Spiderman comic book. He got Stan Lee to sign it at Edwards Auditorium after Lee gave a lecture at URI. It would be worth a lot more if it were in better condition, he said. Then Cisco added, “Well, the staples are still intact.”

So I told Cisco about being at the Avon Theatre and getting Bill Russell’s autograph on a book he had just written. Bags had saved me a place in line. So he was in front of me when Russell signed the book for Bags. It was to be ‘To Michael’. Bags kept up a steady stream of chatter with Russ as he signed it. It came out ‘To Michale".

The Cisco Kid said he also had Iron Man comics. Then he mentioned that he had the original Ant Man. Ant Man? Is his Achilles’ heel Anteater Man?

The Hot Club as Hotel California: This week we spotted Nathaniel Poe and his good friend Steve, who is a master of graphics.

Alexander the Great was walking behind me and I heard him say “Nice sausages!” He was speaking to Dave of the Grill who was opening a new box of sausages. ‘Nice sausages.”

The Grate One is off to do some fishing in Spruce Head, Maine. Alex said it was near Thomaston and Rockland. Hope Alex catches whatever he’s fishing for.

A woman bumped into a seated Contraire. She started apologizing for bumping into him. Contraire told her it was OK and then added, “As long as you hit me in the right spots.”

Cisco was talking excitedly about a book he had read by Daniel Pinchbeck. The book is called Breaking Open the Head.

Dr. John and I were talking about attending Catholic schools. Buffalo Steve said he went to a school that had Protestants and Catholics and they got released from school. Yes, I remembered - for Released Time Religious Instructions.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2010-09-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Contraire was looking over the sports betting lines. I asked him “Do you see anything good here?” He said “Yeah, behind the bar.” He nodded toward Jessa, the bartender.

Jessa said she is named after a Jesse so she answers to that name as well. Jessa added that her boyfriend’s name is James. I told Contraire that his name was “Trouble”. He said that there is good trouble and bad trouble and he is good trouble.

So I asked Contraire if he bet on the Red Sox or the White Sox in their series. Contraire’s reply, “I bet on the Sox.” After we agreed that the Red Sox are done, I asked him if he had any sports suggestions, and Contraire said, “Raise the white flag.”

The houseboat in the HC marina that looks like a house had a fire on it. Flames were visible. We were a little concerned until Foot Joy noticed they were grilling something. It reminded me of Talking Head’s Burning Down the House.

The Wizard of the Web said that while I was on vacation, he was having a conversation with a bunch of the guys. The Jack of Fire said something Wiz repeated what Jack said, but didn’t get it quite right. So the Jack of Fire yelled at him for not getting it quite right. Wiz told Jack, “He’s not here, so I’m just doing a Dawson.”

Sovereign Caroline gave Alexander the Grate a new nickname: “Doorstop.”

Someone was talking about a past girlfriend and said, “She got on my last nerve.”

The Hot Club as the Hotel California – “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave”: Recently spotted were Jen Turner (not sure of her married name), Augie, ex-bartender Erin, and the Falcon swooped in. Per Contraire, ex-cook Bradford visited.

Who did Fleet Feet Pete nickname ‘Birdman’ for his wanderlust eyes?

When I talked about going to Swan’s Island, Maine on vacation, Frequent Flyer said that retired people can’t call it ‘taking a vacation’. FF said you’re only ‘going away’.

ERRATA: Jimmy Chelo told me that in his question regarding what the call is when a pig in the outfield swallows the baseball, that the punch line was “Inside the pork homerun.”

The Hot Club

2010-08-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

Fleet Feet Pete said, “That’s admirable.” to Buffalo Steve. Ex- Navy Man Buffalo Steve replied, “I never made it to Admirable.”

What regular deserves a new nickname - Radar?

The Fog drifted in. He said “The Hot Club is a singles bar. You come in single and you leave single.”

The Warden mentioned the song Grazing in the Grass. I said “Hugh Masekela”. “No”, he said. The Wise Man thought Sergio Mendes. The Warden recalled it was by Friends of Distinction. By accident, I came across a reference to the song. Hugh Masekela, the South African trumpeter, recorded it first (1968) and had a #1 hit with the instrumental. Friends of Distinction did a vocal cover version in 1969.

The scores of the golf tournament were shown and I told Victoria that Tiger Woods had just had the worst tournament in his professional career. Victoria said, “Good.”

The Warden asked when Adrian Beltre was showing up for Patriots football practice.

Ryan Kalish is 22. When I brought that up, Foot Joy said “We have underwear older than that.”

The Fog was slipping away and he said, “If I have one more drink, I’m going to get a tattoo and have my nipples pierced.”

Frequent Flyer, Mike Module and others were at a NE bike race. Sobi was one of the race sponsors. Someone saw Jeffrey, Frequent Flyer’s dog (a Dalmatian), drink Sobi from FF’s cupped hands. A photo was taken and Frequent Flyer and Mike Module and group were asked if they’d bring the dog to Sobi’s buffet. When they arrived, a security guard wouldn’t let them in because of the dog. Frequent Flyer pointed to the dog and told the guard, “Oh, he’s the guest. We’re just invited with him.” The guard checked with the main house and then ushered them. The dog repeated his Sobi drink and ate steak.

Jimmy Chelo asked me a baseball question. What happens if there’s a base hit to the outfield and a pig swallows the ball? I told Jimmy that the ball would be dead at the spot where the pig ate the ball. Jimmy said it was a homerun. An ‘Inside the Pig’ homerun.

The Hot Club

2010-08-15T16:01:00.001-07:00

A Hot Club moment – skipper Tom McGinn was prominently featured in a front page Pawtucket Times photo also showing new Narragansett Beer owner Mark Hellendrung. Hi Neighbor!

Told Jimmy Chelo, Chet and Charlie about Victoria and I going to the Bronx Zoo, which is listed as the largest municipal zoo in the US. Chet wanted to know on what basis – acreage, animals. Good question since I had been to the San Diego Zoo as well. Both San Diego and the Bronx have over 4000 animals. The Bronx Zoo is on 265 acres, San Diego is on 107 acres. So it’s largest by acreage.

The Hot Club men’s bathroom is one of the smallest on the East Coast. The gentleman next to me said it could be the smallest bathroom in the whole US. He added, “You have to go outside to clear your mind.”

Dr. John quoted Lily Tomlin as saying, “There is no objective evidence that reality exists.” John said it’s from Tomlin’s Broadway show The Search for Intelligent Signs of Life In The Universe.

The good doctor also remembered Robin Williams’ take on Sylvester Stallone doing Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “To be or what?”

It was a Tuesday, not my normal night. There seated at the far bar was a ‘Murderers Row’ of Fleet Feet Pete, Mike Module, Buffalo Steve, Charlie Clancy, and the Herbster.

Buffalo Steve was asked what the top Northwestern New York tourist attraction is. He knew it was Niagara Falls. But Buffalo Steve didn’t know the # 2 attraction – the Buffalo Zoo. But Steve said he knew the third most popular destination - the Snowflake Museum.

Fleet Feet Pete said he saw a bumper sticker on a guitar case that read “A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.”

Contraire came into the HC and said to me, “You got that paper of yours?” I told him I didn’t do one this week. Contraire said, “True Lies or Sports Lies.” That’s Contraire.

A cover of Bad Company’s Bad Company was playing on the HC jukebox. I checked – it’s by Five Finger Death Punch from the CD War Is The Answer. I kid you not.

A guy was wearing a tie on a hot Friday afternoon. His friend reached over and tugged on the tie and then said, “At least it’s not a clip-on.”

The Hot Club

2010-06-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

The Wizard was correcting me about misquoting him on Tiger Woods. He said he never defended Tiger Woods, and never wanted him to surpass Jack Nicklaus for most majors won. Then I said, “Wiz wants Tiger to lose and never win another championship.” Said the Wiz, “I did not say I wanted him to lose.” But I rejoined, “You said ‘I don’t care if he ever wins another championship’.” Wiz argued that wasn’t the same as wanting Tiger to lose. To me it was the same in a manner of speaking. Wiz said I was editorializing.

“Would you like me to put that in your beer?” Who said that to me at the HC in reference to my digital recorder?

I was pointing out the colorful new menu board in the outside bar, but the Jack of Fire was not impressed. Said Jack “If it doesn’t make the beer colder, I don’t want to know about it.” Jack of Fire.

Earnest Ernie leaned over to tell me something so I took out my digital recorder. Said Ernie, “I’m drunk.” Foot Joy quickly added “You know what? He’ll still misquote you.” A little support I suggested to Foot Joy and I wasn’t talking about being a jock supporter.

Foot Joy and I were talking about the guy on crutches who was ‘saving’ the last parking spot for his friend whose car was behind me entering the HC parking lot. Foot Joy suggested a different approach. He said I didn’t have to run ‘Crutches’ over. All I had to do was park my car right there in front of him so his buddy would have been blocked out.

Last week someone found a Trinity keg pull marked ‘Strange Brew’. No evidence that Cream created the brew.

The Wizard chastised me for not putting anything in the Sportzine about Dennis Hopper. I agreed I was remiss because I had been talking a lot about Hopper and the passing of one of the cultural icons of our generation. The Henry Hathaway story (the director told Hopper he’d never work in Hollywood again). John Wayne chasing Hopper with a loaded gun while shooting True Grit (Director Henry Hathaway). That demented role in Blue Velvet. Wiz reminded me that Hopper had a memorable role in True Romance as he and Christopher Walken faced off.

High Wire Bill and I were exulting over the renaissance of David ‘Big Papi’ Ortiz and our staying with him all this time. We didn’t want to waive Ortiz last year. We were True Blue fans. High Wire Bill used a boxing analogy: “Ortiz came off of the canvas.”

David said we need a “Where’s Chuck D. now?” He’s not at the Hot Club. He must be traveling. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Where in the world is Chuck D.?

The Hot Club

2010-06-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE
BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Tom Bates, co-owner of the Hot Club, was in attendance last week. It’s always good to see Tom out and about. Tom said that his daughter Brittan had a baby boy in April. The boy’s name is Haeden. Our congratulations to Brittan and her husband on their first child.

Congratulations also to Grillmeister Extraordinaire Mary who just graduated from URI. On a recent Sunday, a couple cakes were brought in. Turns out they were for Mary, who majored in Wildlife and Conservation Biology. Guess that’s some different ‘wild life’ than what we find at the Hot Club.

A guy on crutches was standing in the one last available parking lot space at the Hot Club. He was texting. I asked him to move but he said the spot was taken. I told him it wasn’t taken. He said he was saving it for a friend who honked at me as he pulled in behind me. I backed out and let his friend have the space, but I had never seen that done before. Eben and the doormen said that I should have taken the spot because you can’t save them like that. However I had a vision of a newspaper headline – ‘Car runs over

man on crutches for parking spot’.

The Wizard of the Web said, “This is a sad day in the history of man.” I asked him why. The Wiz said: “Willie Nelson cut his hair.” Stephanie then asked the Wiz: “Are you going to follow suit?” Wiz quickly replied “No.”

Charlie Clancy said he didn’t think that Paul Pierce is among the elite players, just a little lower than elite. I told Charlie that I consider Paul Pierce an elite player, and I want the ball in his hands at the end of the game or Ray Allen’s. I don’t think Charlie’s right about this one, but he was correct when he had misgivings about PC’s ‘Greedy’ Peterson way before all the shit went down.

Joe came in and said “Hello Gentlemen, and I use that term broadly.” And I said “Or loosely.” Foot Joy added, “A loose broad.”

Kelley the barkeep gave me some money to play the jukebox. One of the songs I selected was Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire. At one point there was a seminal moment in Hot Club history as everyone in the first bar was singing Ring of Fire (except Contraire, of course). It was a sight to behold. Sight and sounds: The Wise Man, Jokin’ Joe, Foot Joy, Claudia and me all singing Ring of Fire. Contraire said, “I don’t know anyone in the room.”

The Hot Club

2010-05-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

The Hot Club as Hotel California: Brendan was there Friday night. He’s in from Wilmington, NC, on the beach. He’s attending a couple functions including a bachelor party. Brendan said he still has the Zine in which he makes a ‘shower’ appearance.

In the same vein, Bernard, one-time HC cook and doorman and Obasi’s brother (also Mary’s and Mya’s) paid a visit. Bernard works in Boston for a Tobacconist.

And I ran into Derek, one time doorman at the HC, who sends along his salutations. Seems Derek is engaged to marry Colleen, his long time love. Congratulations to both and wishes of good health, and a great future. Who would have thunk that Leo, long time sidekick of Derek’s, would beat Derek to the altar and already be the father of two.

Lionel and Diesel once were two runaway trains. Now they are chugging along, making regular stops and at night return to the safety of the station.

The Jack of Fire was showing his knee to Alexander the Great. Well, more accurately Jack was showing Alex where he had his most recent arthroscopic knee surgery. Said Alex, “You’re the Hot Club Bobby Orr.”

Then on further reflection, Alex the Grate said to Jack: “I’ve seen better legs at a KFC.”

Last Wednesday, I asked Contraire if there was any sport he didn’t bet on. Contraire said “Hockey. It’s too complicated.” Sunday I found out that Contraire bet on the Bruins after they were up 3-0, but lost two games in a row before switching to Philly for Game #7. I thought he said he didn’t bet on hockey? That’s why he’s Contraire.

I was talking to Scott McKay about a local doofus named Douglas who wanted to go to Myrtle Beach to play golf before going to the slammer. As for the $25,000 bribe that Douglas and two others allegedly took from a supermarket wanting to build, Scott said that they are lucky that it was a Stop & Shop and not a Whole Foods or the bribe would have been $50,000.

Jimmy Chelo and Chet went outside to the parking lot to see a dog. They asked me to watch their drinks. When Britt came by, I explained that Jimmy and Chet were coming back for their drinks, that they had just gone out to the parking lot. Britt playfully asked, “Are they out in the parking lot smoking weed?”

Jimmy Chelo said he knows someone who lives in a gated community – a prison.

The Hot Club

2010-05-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB

WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT

FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

Friday was beautiful and there was a full house at the Hot Club. The parking lot was so packed that there wasn’t even space for Eben Bates to pull in.

Now that the booths are back and the basketball machine gone, I was thanking Eben for the return to normalcy. Eben said that the basketball machine will be back though since it generated some decent coinage.

A Happy Birthday goes out to Patti Quimby, one of the Hot Club’s all-time great Grande Dames. We understand Patti will be celebrating soon in Italy.

Overheard at the Hot Club: A person remarked that someone ‘breaks his wallet’. But we won’t say if it’s him or her.

Is it me or are there new stickers on the WC doors, identifying each. Probably a good idea since newcomers have always seemed unsure which is which.

Jack of Fire asked me how old I was and then introduced me to a guy named Henry. I told him my age. Hank then asked what nationality I was. When I said Irish, Hanky Panky said, “You should have been dead 10 years ago.”

Amy Winehouse’s Rehab was playing: They say I’ve gotta go to Rehab and I say No, No, No. Jokin’ Joe said “Rehab is for quitters.”

Russ, the HC’s returned doorman, was at the Hot Club on Sunday. Why? To wish his wife Renee, who tends bar at the HC, a Happy Mother’s Day.

The Wise Man asked me who was the first baseball player to use the capped bat. Not a straight bat but a mushroom cap at the end. Wise said it was Babe Ruth. Jack of Fire asked what team Ruth was with. Wise knew it was when Babe was with the Yankees.

Karen, Broc’s significant other, was thrilled about being in the Zine’s Hot Club section. Karen went over and hugged Contraire and told him that she was in Sportzine. Contraire said: “That’s old news.”

The Hot Club

2010-04-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

As Foot Joy pointed out, had North Carolina beaten Dayton, the Tar Heels would have won successive basketball championships. Last year, NC won the NCAAs. This year would have been the NIT. That prompted Foot Joy to pose the question to readers, who was the only team to win the NCAA and the NIT in the same season? (Answer below)

OK so let’s give Bags credit for knowing that the UConn Huskies had played the URI Rams in the Yankee Conference (see E-Mail).

Alexander the Great, like many people in Rhode Island, had to pump out his basement and contact FEMA about assistance. On Friday, as Alex was describing his efforts, especially FEMA, he suddenly whipped out a fema, that is, a RI femur bone. I asked him how he knew it wasn’t a tibia. Alex had the answer – the femur has a trochanteric end.

According to Pucky, 5 Angels is back from his gig in St. Bart’s at the Baz Bar. 5 Angels and his buddy George (the Foreverly Brothers) played there for about a week. And Jimmy Buffett sat in one night.

The Herbster said that his girlfriend called him up and wanted to know if he wanted to go to Good Friday services. The Herbalogist told her he was already at Good Friday services- he was at the Hot Club.

Rumor has it that Troy Brown is a part owner of the Narragansett beer company.

Contraire thought that the Waterfront Festival ended because of the noise made by the bikers. I said that the local condo owners complained about the noise from the music and crowd, but that it wasn’t really the bikers. Contraire refused to believe me even when I pointed out that the bikers were banned from parking in the Hot Club parking lot and there were Waterfront Festivals after that. Beau and Big Kenny confirmed this but Contraire would not give in. That’s why he’s Mr. Contraire.

The high score on the basketball machine was 64. I met Rory who beat the mark with a 74 and then beat that with a 78. Rory is not a basketball player, he’s a musician. After I had congratulated Rory for beating the record, the Wise Man told me that they re-set the machine every day.

CCNY is the only team to win the NCAA and the NIT championships in the same season (1950). A check of my ESPN Sports Almanac shows that CCNY beat Bradley 71-68 for the NCAA crown and also beat Bradley 69-61 for the NIT championship.

The Hot Club

2010-04-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

On St. Patrick’s Day, the HC was quiet when I got there around 2 PM. I said it would pick up when the pub crawlers came in. Adam told me that pub crawls had been outlawed in RI. The response from Pal Al and I was: “What no pub crawl? I’m leaving.”

So when two groups of college students came in about 4:30 on a pub crawl, I grilled Adam on this ‘illegality’. He muttered something about non-enforcement of the law.

The film crew for Body of Evidence, a TV pilot, has been shooting in La Prov. The day before St. Pat’s, they were filming at the Hot Club and on Captain Tom McGinn’s boat. No wonder I got strange looks when I walked thru a scene across from the Turk’s Head Building on the way to the Hot Club on St. Patrick’s Day. Hope the pilot gets picked up.

Alexander the Great said that I got it wrong about the Leo Sayer song that had a section that was lifted by Sting. The Sayer song was (I Love You) More Than I Can Say.

Greta recently had a baby girl, Gianna, according to CJ. We wish Greta and her family the best of health.

We were speculating whether UConn had ever played URI in basketball. We were hoping that UConn would beat Virginia Tech in the NIT so that the Huskies would have to play the Rams at URI. We figured that had never happened. Bags thought that UConn and URI might have been in the Yankee Conference together. Foot Joy didn’t think so. The Wise Man and I weren’t so sure either. Bags wanted credit if it did occur.

Frequent Flyer was scanning the Hot Club one recent Friday. I asked him what he was doing. “I’m counting cougars”, said FF.

Told Wise that David Letterman said Tiger Woods may not win a green jacket at The Masters but his wife Elin will win a green jacket – made out of Tiger’s money. Online a Twitterer said that Tiger has added Flo the Progressive insurance lady to his harem.

And I mentioned that in talking about Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer suggested that “You guys should be able to take shots at him.” I envisioned Tiger on a golf course with his fellow pros whacking balls at Woods.

The Hot Club (HC) as the Hotel California (HC): Patti Quimby recently returned to visit.

The Wise Man has company in having problems with MLB opening the season on Easter Sunday night. Jackie MacMullan, a traditionalist, said on WEEI that she does not lik

The Hot Club

2010-01-07T11:22:00.001-08:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Best wishes to Britt who has a birthday this week. You look mah-velous dollink!

I mentioned that Victoria and I like Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations. The Warden said he’s waiting for Anthony Bourdain’s visit to Wes’ Rib House.

Elizabeth, Mike Module’s sister, and hubby Tom went to Ireland. Liz said that they found that if you sought out Irish fine dining that the restaurants did not serve beer, just wine. So Liz and Tom ate in pubs where you could get beer.

Alexander the Great said that I should have dirty pictures in the Hot Club section of the Zine. I told Alex that that would get me into big trouble. The Grate One persisted, “We need some sort of pictures.” Mr. D. said, “We want a picture of Tiger Wood’s woody.”

Adam pointed out to me that in the last Sportzine the ad for Wes’ Rib House looked like it said Dik e street because there was a space between the ‘Dik’ and the ‘e’.

Mr. D. was leaving the Hot Club and Alexander the Great proclaimed, “Elvis has left the building.”

High Wire Bill and I were talking about the US and Bill said, “We used to be the DJs but we are not the DJs any more.”

Pucky said that Tiger Woods has started his cell stem research.

Kevin the Man of Fire said a woman came on to him to come over to her place where she had mirrors on the walls, mirrors on the ceiling. So he went over and brought a bottle of Windex.

Jimmy Chelo told me the story of Ernie, the no account count. He affected an accent and held his cigarettes European style when trying to make it with women. Ernie drove an oil truck. When the women asked him what he was in, he’d reply “I’m in oil.” The No Account Count.

Jimmy C also recalled Charles, who fixed cars, and who was asked by a woman to stop the ticking in her Jaguar. So he did. The car broke down and the irate woman returned. Charles said “Well that was the oil pump. It was making a noise because it was going. So you asked me to stop it and I did.”

The Hot Club

2010-01-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

The Warden thinks they should turn the Hot Club into a strip joint. Then they could call it the Hot Strip Club. Mr. D. reminded me that we once were considering doing a calendar showing the HC bartenders. It was to be called Women of the Hot Club.

Chuck D-isms: “What goes into 13 twice? – Roman Polanski.” Also “Polanski is the 5- foot Pole that you never want to touch anything with.”

HC Scoop: Adam revealed that the Hot Club will begin taking credit cards in @ 10 days.

Contraire says he’s loaning the HC money for 5% interest. He says he’s into a new racket – lending money. The Warden said Contraire was having a Beavis and Butthead moment.

The Warden revisited the “A 2 at 10 is a 10 at 2” manly musing. This is the line that got me banished from passing out Sportzine in my workplace. The Warden said “Do you know what’s worse than a 2 at 10? A 2 at 2.” Rim shot, please.

I gave a copy of Sportzine to Contraire and said “Here’s some reading material.” Contraire replied, “I can always use it for something else.”

Mr. D. recalled that he had suggested I put Sportzine on toilet paper. Or at least the Hot Club section.

We were talking about Ted Kennedy and Foot Joy said he was reading Ted’s memoirs. Mr. D. wanted to know what Ted said about Chappaquiddick. Foot Joy said that was one subject about which there wasn’t enough information. Recalling Chappaquiddick, Mr. D. observed, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Eben has his own list of songs on the jukebox – EB Dude. Eben has a list with the longest songs available on the juke box – more bang for your buck. Traffic’s Low Spark of High Heel Boys is on that list. I suggested King Crimson’s In The Court of the Crimson King.

The Ornery A-Hole Cook objected to 2012 when I brought it up. “Roland Emmerich”, he snorted. Didn’t he do Independence Day? Yeah. Ornery liked it. Jackie said she did too.

The Herbster is looking for people to start a pinochle club. Said the Herbivore, “No idiots may apply.” And Mike Module thinks that euchre is similar to hi-lo-jack.

Overheard at the Hot Club (comparison of two women by another): “Well, this one’s more subdued in her lunacy.”

The Hot Club

2009-11-24T15:01:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Congratulations to Citizen Caroline who just got a promotion in joining Sovereign Bank. So she has gone from Citizen to Sovereign. Does that mean we have to genuflect, bow or kiss her ring? All hail Sovereign Caroline!

Former Hot Club doorman Russ stopped by the HC. Foot Joy arrived wearing a hat and overcoat. Russ saw Foot Joy and said, “Oh hitman!” I added, “No a hitman would be more conservative. No hat. Wouldn’t want to draw any attention.” Foot Joy the assassin?

High Wire Bill played Time of the Season by the Zombies. I mentioned that it’s the first song that I remember that used the expression, “Who’s your Daddy?” Foot Joy asked, “Is that Pedro’s song?

5 Angels already bought that Dodge van and it’s outfitted with a TV and bed. 5 Angels calls it ‘a boom boom van’. He says it’s better than a bed and breakfast in Newport. And cheaper. Bags observed, “5 Angels wishes it was a boom boom van.”

That led me to mention the Boom Boom Room, a place in the Graceland Mansion where Elvis used to squire a bevy of beauties. Hooks has been to Memphis and Graceland but he doesn’t remember the Boom Boom Room.

5 Angels thought that the Bob Marley song No Woman No Cry meant that it’s good not to have a woman. When I questioned him, he said “It’s all up to your interpretation.”

Met a guy named Paul who used to work at the Hot Club. High Wire Bill and I were discussing Bill Belichick going on 4th and 2 from his own 28. Paul said that the Patriots go on 4th down more than any other team and also are the most successful. 67%. A check of NFL stats shows that the Pats have gone on 4th down 12 times and succeeded on 6 in 2009. They were tied for 9th in attempts. KC was 1st with 20 tries and 12 made. The Rams were 2nd with 18 attempts on 4th down but were successful only 6 times.

Foot Joy said that he got a call from the nursing home when his grandmother was still alive. He took the call in his car. The nurse said she was calling because FJ’s grandmother was running low on diapers. Foot Joy had to pull over and couldn’t answer the caller because he was laughing uncontrollably.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks Buffalo Steve)

The Hot Club

2009-11-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Buffalo Steve is looking for a Keely Smith song named You Are My Love which is on the flip side of a Louie Prima and Keely Smith 45, maybe Black Magic.

High Wire Bill pointed out that Jackie can now do 5-star sudokus. I recalled that last St. Patrick’s Day, Jackie had given me a very good tip on visualizing the game by looking for groups of 3. You then compare what’s on either side. However I can’t do 5-star sudokus. Jackie is 5-Star.

There were 2 guys and a woman who visited the HC last Wednesday. At one point, one guy was upside down with the other man and the woman holding up his feet. Later they switched some of their clothing. Then the woman seemed to be searching one of the guy’s…Then one guy had toilet paper on his head. Buffalo Steve and I thought it might be a coed fraternity. I said hazing. Buffalo Steve said initiation. Initiation into a cult? Then Buffalo Steve said it was a game called Truth or Dare which the threesome confirmed.

Wednesday was Veteran’s Day and the Buff One wore a poppy. He asked if I knew the history of the poppy. Flanders Field in Belgium. The blood red flower against the field of white crosses. And there’s a poem about it. In Flanders Fields by Canadian John McCrae (per Wikipedia).

Told ORric about a guy named Morgan who used to inhabit the Hot Club during summers, but who went to the Burning Man Festival and died when he got too close to the Burning Man. ORric said that Morgan won the Darwin Award – he removed himself from the gene pool.

ORric then gave me another example of a Darwin Award winner. A guy’s car had a blown ignition fuse. He had been hunting all day so he put a .22 caliber bullet shell casing in place of the blown fuse because it was the same size. It was aimed toward his nuts. It took off his testicles. He’s out of the gene pool.

Mr. D had a ’57 Dodge, the ‘Bat Mobile’, which had a huge trunk. He and his girl friend used to go in the trunk and make out. 5 Angels was talking about buying a Dodge van and outfitting it with a bed and TV. We kidded him. Mike Module said he should have a sign on the side that says ‘Do Not Disturb’. I suggested the sign say ‘If you see it rockin’, don’t come knockin’.

Per Charlie Clancy here is this week’s Health Tips Bulletin Board for Baby Boomers: 10 FDA-Regulated Foods that can make you ill – leafy greens, eggs, tuna, oysters, cheese, ice cream, tomatoes, potatoes (usually potato salad), sprouts and berries.

The Hot Club

2009-11-17T15:09:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

We were talking to Bronwyn about her move to Asheville, NC, where my brother Brad and his wife Dee Dee live. The Wizard said that Pilot Mountain is near Asheville and was featured in the Andy Griffith Show. Everyone would get dressed up and go to Mt. Pilot.

The conversation turned to Howard Cosell and his Monday Night Football comment “Look at that little monkey run.” We couldn’t recall the name of the player though Sean said the player later defended Howard, who we believe was fined but not suspended. A Google search reveals that it was Washington Redskins receiver Alvin Garrett whom Cosell was describing on 9/5/83. As a result, Cosell stepped down from Monday Night Football 2 months later (Wikipedia).

Jimmy Chelo told me about a book by Dom DiMaggio, one of his favorite players. It’s called Real Grass, Real Heroes. I noted that Dom got hurt during Game 7 of the ’46 World Series. Some say had Dom been in CF, Enos Slaughter would not have scored.

Dan said that the Yankees won 19 World Series from 1949 on (to present). His friend Charlie Clancy thought it was 14. Charlie added that those were the darkest days of his life. A check of the ESPN Sports Almanac shows that the Yankees won 15 World Series from 1949 up to this year’s. Mr. D could be heard to declare, “How to lie with statistics.”

Met a man named Walter Richard, who is from New Orleans, and who went to the Patriots Super Bowl vs. the Chicago Bears. Walt bet $1400 on the Patriots after he got more points than the spread. He still lost. However he sold a ticket to the Super Bowl for $1400. So, it was a wash.

Mike K asked the Wise Man and I where Curt Schilling was born. We didn’t know, though I offered Michigan. “Alaska” said Mike. “Military brat?” I asked. Curtis Montague Schilling was born in Anchorage, Alaska. The K Man asked me how many times Ted Williams had been thrown out of a baseball game. “None”, I said. Correct.

In 1959, Buffalo Steve danced with Annette Funicello at Disney Land. I asked if he got up close and personal with her. Just a dance, said Steve. Annette is from Utica NY.

Buffalo Steve said that on The Mickey Mouse Club, we watched Mouseketeer Annette outgrow her T-shirt.

Was discussing the 9 foods that are good for you. Charlie Clancy thought I should print the list under the name Baby Boomer Bulletin of Health Tips. So here is the list of good foods: garlic, yogurt, tea, sweet potatoes, beef, mushrooms, fish/shellfish, oats/barley and chicken soup.

The Hot Club

2009-11-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

To paraphrase Philippe and Jorge, you had to be there or be square - at the Hot Club that is, on Sunday afternoon. It was the last regular shift for Patti Quimby who has moved on to Doherty’s East Ave. Café in Pawtucket (she’s there Wednesday nights). There were cakes, flowers and salutes galore to Patti, who passed on her title of Grand Dame to…

When 7 PM arrived, the new Grande Dame kiddingly told Patti to leave. Not sure if Patti passed on the title along with an ermine robe or, as Tom McGinn suggested, a sash.

Francis said that there are two draws about the East Avenue Café: Patti is there and Contraire is not. Contraire asked Fran whether he had a finder’s fee for bringing customers to East Ave. Café.

Alexander the Grate said that Bronwyn is moving to Canada. Broc said “Where the deers run free.” “The does too,” I added.

Turns out that Bronwyn is actually moving to Asheville, NC, where my brother Brad and his wife Dee Dee live. I told Bronwyn that I had visited Asheville and found it to be a great city that went beyond all my expectations.

One wag observed that Patrick Kennedy and Joe Paolino were winners in the ovarian lottery.

In a conversation with Jimmy Chelo, I learned that Pawtucket’s Beef Hearth started after Chelo’s, which opened on Mendon Road in Cumberland in 1955. The Beef Hearth started in 1963.

The Chelos brothers were also involved in backing Ted’s Big Boy in Cranston. Eventually they took it over and changed it to Chelo’s Beef Hearth.

The Ornery Asshole Cook showed me a new bottle of booze – Crystal Head vodka by Dan Akroyd. It’s in a blue crystal skull. Ornery A says that Akroyd discovered a glacial stream and decided to use that water for his vodka. Akroyd wanted it pure so he triple filtered it thru diamonds. Crystal Head. Ornery A says that’s a good name for a porn star or a new term for receiving oral sex while on crystal meth.

I kidded about the sign for Akroyd’s vodka being misspelled (it had an ‘i’). Then I just googled it and found out that I misspelled it too. It is spelled ‘Aykroyd’.

The Hot Club

2009-10-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Sunday (Nov. 1) is the last shift (12-7) for Patti Quimby. Come out and celebrate the Hot Club’s personable server, and salute the Grande Dame of the HC bartenders. I would tell you who will ascend the throne as Grande Dame but my writing career might end. Come out Sunday and find out.

We were talking about Jerry Lee Lewis. Whose Your Daddy told me that Conversations had a piano with a cassette player. You just played a song and sat at the piano making believe you were playing it. Dad said his girlfriend was very impressed with his playing.

I recall Jerry Lee Lewis being arrested for trying to drive his Cadillac through the gates of Graceland. Foot Joy said it was because Elvis owed Jerry Lee money. The Wizard just came back from Memphis. He said you have to go to Graceland when there.

The ORric told me of a long ago friend who called after falling asleep in his car at Cheaters one winter night. The friend said he was paralyzed. When ORric showed up, he found that the friend’s car was drafty with floor board holes. His friend wasn’t paralyzed. His feet were frozen to the brake and accelerator.

Jimmy Chelo said that he met Cecil Fielder at a Florida golf course. In the clubhouse, Jimmy asked Fielder about the 11 ways to score a runner from 3rd base with less than 2 outs. After he named two or three, everyone was poised to hear more from Cecil. Instead, Fielder paused and then said, “Hey they’re paying me to hit, not think.”

The Jules went to Italy (Rome, Venice, Bologna, and Milan). She said that people with Smart cars park straight on against the curb. She said that the dollar loses about a 3rd of its value against the euro. It was 9 euros for a diet coke. She found a small store where you could get a 4 pack of soda for 4 euros. An Absolut vodka was between 15-18 euros.

I told the Warden about Julie going to Italy. But when I meant to tell him she went to ‘Venice’, instead I said ‘Venus’. The warden said, “She’d have to take a NASA flight.”

The Warden has a Danny Ainge 3B Toronto Blue Jays card. I told him we’d have to see what it was worth. Anyone? The Warden said he also has a Schilling rookie card when he was with the Orioles. I remember the Red Sox trading Schilling for Mike Boddiker. The Warden said he’ll take offers for the cards. The highest offer.

So I suggested to the Warden that he put the baseball cards on Craigslist. The Warden said that he’ll do it thru the Zine. So a ZineList. Anything you want to sell, put it on the Zine List. The Warden said 50% royalties for sports memorabilia sold on the Zine List.

The Hot Club

2009-10-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Jimmy Chelo posed a brain teaser to me: You take 3 left turns and then you’re facing two men in masks. Where are you? Answer at the bottom.

Contraire and I were discussing NFL games. He thought that the Ravens were the pick over the Patriots. I strongly disagreed and offered to make a drink bet that the Pats would win straight up (no points). Contraire said “Double drink bet.” So I said “Sure”. Now I just have to find him this week to collect. Of course I still owe a drink to Fran, the Yank Man, for the Red Sox not overtaking NY. Funny, he wasn’t at the HC last Wednesday.

The Lance introduced me to his friend Sean and said he was a writer. So I asked Sean what he wrote. Sean wrote a book about the Eastern Front (1944-45). A thesis? Yes said Sean, an esoteric book about an esoteric subject. And it dealt with the most esoteric area. But he’s published!

The Herbster told me that he e-mailed Sportzine to 24 of his friends. I thanked him for that. No word on whether any of those 24 friends are still talking to the Herbster.

Last Wednesday it was Katherine’s (Red Shoes/Green Shoes) birthday. So a bunch of the staff went out on Tom McGinn’s boat to celebrate. The Wednesday Wevelers.

The Son of a Son of a Sailor told me that he went to Fenway Park and got face time on NESN. He showed me the shot on his cell. He also met Heidi Watney on an elevator at Fenway. He asked Heidi if he could take her picture. To his regret, the Heidi One said, “I’m not sure we have time for that.”

Patti Quimby, the Grande Dame of the Hot Club, is ending her reign soon. Patti is now working Wednesday nights (6-closing) at Doherty's East Ave Café. Patti has two more Sundays left at the Hot Club, October 18th and November 1st. After that, Britt becomes the new Grande Dame of the Hot Club.

The Lovely Lisa gave me a Zine moment. She says she plays a certain song for a certain patron. The song is Elbow’s Grounds For Divorce. The patron is … you figure it out.

Alexander the Great called Katie ‘the Hazel Mae of the Hot Club’.

Answer: You’re at home plate. Thanks to Jimmy Chelo for the riddle.

The Hot Club

2009-09-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Newsflash for Patriot fans and lovers of good ribs – Mike Solomon is providing a free buffet at halftime of the Patriots games at his Wes’ Rib House, 38 Dike St. in Providence. You have to get there before the kickoff in order to partake of the succulent and scrumptious spread.

The Wizard was talking about listening to the Black Crowes. I mentioned that Kate Hudson was married to one of them. Naw naw, said the Wiz. Yeah Yeah, Chris Robinson I recalled. Naw naw the Wizard persisted. Fortunately Katie was tending bar and confirmed what I was saying. Funny. The Wizard believed Kate but not me. Kate to the rescue.

We were talking about remakes not being as good as the originals. I mentioned that I was disappointed in Rob Zombie’s Halloween, and now his Halloween II is getting bad reviews. To me that was surprising given how good Zombie’s House of a Thousand Corpses and Devils’ Rejects were. One exception was Marcus Nispel’s remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre with Jennifer Beal and R. Lee Ermey. Kate saw the recent re-do of Last House On The Left and said it wasn’t as good as the original. I told her that David Hess, who played the lead bad guy in the original Last House, also sang the title song.

Easy Ed told me to check out barstoolsports.com. “By the common man, for the common man.”

The Cisco Kid was in town and visited the HC. Fran the Yank Man stopped by too and I told the Cisco Kid about our drink bet on whether the Sox will catch the Yankees for 1st. I told Cisco that most of the time most human beings would buy you a drink back after you bought ’em one. Cisco said “Well, alleged human beings.”

Cisco saw me keeping notes by talking into my digital recorder. “Speak into your magic box. Speak into your magic soul catcher”, Cisco said.

Is red the new color? Last Friday, there were 5 women in front of us all with red hair.

Mike Module has the Pawtucket city record for the pole vault (12’6”) which he got while at Tolman High School. Mike pointed out that it’s only because they no longer have the event anymore. There are no more pits. They couldn’t deal with the liability issue.

Stevie Saucepan said that those people who eat too much chicken in this life are going to Peckatory. That’s where you go in the after life to get pecked by the chickens for eating too much chicken. The chickens will rule – the roost.

The Hot Club

2009-09-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

Chuck D. taught us a new word - pedonkadonk. It means a big ass. Only thing is that I couldn’t find it in my Webster’s Dictionary. So I Googled it and got the Urban Dictionary which has the word as badonkadonk and defines it as an expression for an extremely curvaceous female behind. It also says that it was popularized by Tracy Morgan on Comedy Central.

El Segundo means ‘the second’ per Alexander the Great. Mr. D. lived in California some years back and said that there was a strike at a waste treatment plant in El Segundo. Mr. D. said he thought those picketing should have signs that said ‘They treat us like shit.’Alex noticed the parallel with it being the second or going #2.

Contraire bet on the Patriots pre-season games two weeks in a row and lost. I told him he’d bet on 2 flies going up a wall. Said Contraire, “You gotta have some action.”

Bags didn’t wait long after registering to vote. He already wrote a Letter to the Editor complaining about his taxes being raised in North Providence.

Foot Joy saw me and said “You didn’t misquote me once this week.” FJ said that because he wasn’t in Sportzine last week.

Hot rumor – An undisclosed source told me that Foot Joy was singing Karaoke last Monday night at the Hot Club. The song of Foot Joy’s choice? My spy says it was… Bobby Darin’s Mack the Knife. A knife for those bunions?

The Wise Man said that some people think David Ortiz should go back on the juice. Jokin’ Joe agreed and said “You want Big Papi or Big Popup?”

Alexander the Grate’s nickname for Mike Module is Sherlock Ohms.

We met a friend of Citizen Caroline’s named Alba who went to school with her. Alba said she likes policemen. Why? She likes ‘the gun’.

Overheard at the Hot Club: Tall woman and short man. The man would have to go “up on her”.

The Hot Club

2009-09-04T13:15:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

THE HOT CLUB

Bags was lamenting about his taxes being raised in North Providence by 17%. Someone told him he should vote out his senator. Someone else pointed out that Bags is not a registered voter, so a certain local representative from Cranston told Bags: “Well, you don’t count.” So Bags went out and registered. Now he can complain.

I couldn’t imagine anyone would bet on a pre-season NFL game, but Contraire went with the 7-point favorite Pats vs. the Bengals. As I was relating this, Contraire heard me and said, “There’s a cockroach born every second.” I said to him, “You would know.”

A guy tried to let his girlfriend use the men’s room, but Broc pointed out that she couldn’t do that.

Contraire proclaimed that the Sportzine has been shut down ‘because of lies’. He called me ‘a weekly Hot Club patron’ so “You’re weak.”

Hooks has quit smoking. “I can’t afford it.”, he said. Not for health reasons. I told him he can’t afford it because of his health. No, he can‘t afford it.

Baseball – something new happens all the time. On the HC TV, Toronto’s Brett Cecil threw the ball into the dugout without time being called. Jason Bay, the BoSox runner, advanced two bases.

Mike Solomon said that when Rocco Baldelli was on rehab in Pawtucket that he bought $800 worth of Wes’ Ribs for the team buffet. Apparently it’s almost a PawSox tradition for rehabbing major league players to get food from Wes’ Rib House. Several other players including John Smoltz did it this year.

Ian, who worked the Hot Club grill for 5 years, returned for a visit. Ian is working the night shift at Julian’s, which is now serving dinners according to Ian. Ah, the Hot Club as the Hotel California – You can check out any time but you can never leave. There was also a Sue Murphy sighting on the deck.

Chuck D said that a guy was so drunk he was slurring his pauses.

Alexander the Grate noted that Paul Anka not only wrote My Way for Frank Sinatra but also the theme song to the Tonight Show.

Pucky said that the new 195 or I-Way bridge is the ‘Je ne sais quoi’ of the Hot Club.

The Hot Club

2009-08-24T11:14:00.001-07:00

I met Alanna’s fiancé whose name is Jim. Foot Joy suggested a Hot Club nickname for him – ‘Run James Run’.

As I turned on my digital recorder and wondered out loud “Is it on?” Foot Joy chimed in with “Are we here?”

Foot Joy said that God was a baseball fan because the bible starts “In the big inning…” And God is still a baseball fan. And He’s (She’s) still in the big inning.

The Wise Man and Foot Joy were commenting on the hair of NESN’s Dennis Eckersley, Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo. The ‘rug’ talk was over who had the best/worst. Eck with the mullet, Remy with the crab or Orsillo with the weave.

The Wise Man also noted that Eckersley has a ‘Johnny Wadd Holmes’ moustache, aka a Bags type moustache.

Foot Joy was recalling Howard Cosell and his “Let’s get nostalgic about the past.” “You mean the School of Redundancy School”, I asked? “Yup!”

What Hot Club woman has a new nickname, ‘Free but not Easy’? Seems the woman was regretting not ever being married, and I suggested she was better off free and easy. She said she was free but not easy.

We were talking about paying a dowry and getting a hope chest. Free but not Easy said she got a ‘hopeless chest’.

A woman came in with her young daughter (under 6). A candidate for Mom of the Year.

Buffalo Steve wondered how Donovan McNabb felt about Michael Vick joining him on the Eagles. Mr. D. said, “Ruff, ruff.”

Citizen Caroline asked Buffalo Steve if he was celebrating Woodstock. Steve said he was of Woodstock material.

The Citizen accidentally knocked over Mr. D’s drink. “Elbowing. 5-Minute penalty”, Mr. D. said.

The Hot Club

2009-08-13T15:40:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Charlie Clancy mentioned to me that he reads sportspages.com. That’s where I post Sportzine. It’s now ussportspages.com. I first became aware of it when Lisa Olsen did a piece on David Cone and he said the first thing he did every day was go to sportspages.com to read the sports columns of the major newspapers in the country.

A woman walked by in a strange looking green, red, blue dress. Patriot Pat thought it might be a he-she. Mr. D. suggested, “Let’s check the plumbing.”

The Wise Man said that he, Cajun Steve, Bags and ORric went to the beach. They went ‘Sopranos style’. Wise said that he didn’t want to get a sunburn, so he kept most of his clothes on. At the beach, Sopranos style.

Charlie Clancy, like Buffalo Steve, was in the Navy. Charlie called the Navy the best branch of the service. I said, “Oh no, that’s the Air Force”. Charlie said it’s got to be the Navy because two-thirds of the planet is water. After, Buffalo Steve pointed out that I could have brought up all the air in the world.

Contraire walked in and said that Brad Penny and the Red Sox were going to get tattooed that night. The Silencer said “We don’t need no stinkin’ naysayers.”

Contraire asked me what I was doing in my retirement. I said that I work on the Sportzine. Contraire said “That takes 5 minutes.”

The Wiz had a ’59 Singer. I thought that Singer made sewing machines. Wiz said it was a British car and you could start the engine with a crank.

The Jack of Fire said that Smoltz could give up a homer to the batboy.

There was a Porsche 911 Carrera S4 in the parking lot of the Hot Club. The RI license plate said ‘Fleece’. I said it was owned by a lawyer or a doctor. Then I added, “Or a shepherd.” Buffalo Steve said “A wealthy shepherd.”

Lovely Lisa was the first to notice that I had shaved off my moustache. Alexander the Grate was the second. Buffalo Steve said that I looked older without the moustache.

The Hot Club

2009-08-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Mike Module was leaving the Hot Club and Fleet Feet Pete told him “Be careful out there.” Pete was channeling Hill Street Blues. Buffalo Steve said that the creator of Hill Street Blues, Stephen Bochco, is from Buffalo.

Broc’s companion Karen said that she liked my new moustache. Broc said that I looked like Captain Kangaroo.

Mr. D. told Patriot Pat that he was going to have a boob enhancement and a dick reduction.

Mike Module said that he used to give his son Sportzine to read, but without the Hot Club section. Mike’s son was 16 at the time. The young, impressionable youth! Protecting the youths of America!

Chuck D told me that Popeye kept his penis supple by sticking it in Olive Oyl.

Foot Joy thinks that the aerodynamics of Fenway Park has changed because of Jim Rice’s #14 number being retired and added up there.

Chuck D said that seeing Tom Bates and Josh Miller together at the HC was like seeing Clark Kent and Superman in the same place.

According to the Wise Man, Big Papi is up at bat pinch hitting after coming home from the hospital where he was visiting his sick daughter who told him “Go back. The Red Sox need you.” Wise says she told Big Papi: “Dad, hit me a homerun and I’ll be cured.”

An Anonymous Woman told me that men have been replaced by toys. Adult toys. Dildoes.

A woman revealed to me that her ex-boyfriend of 8-9 years ago is now a cross dresser and about to have a sex change operation. I kidded her “You drove him to it?” She said another person told her “He was so impressed with you that he wanted to be like you.”

The same woman said, “It’s like a gay men’s club here tonight.” I told her that since she had had a cross dressing ex-boyfriend who was having a sex change operation, that she would know about that.

Thank you Fran (I think.).

The Hot Club

2009-07-28T15:13:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

The first member of the family Mr. D. and I met at the Hot Club was Bernard, who worked the grill. Then after Bernard left, we met his brother Obasi, who also stoked the coals. When Obasi got an IT job and began studies at Brown, we met his sister Maye, who also did a stint grilling and then bartending before leaving to direct a movie. Most recently we have been well served at the hearth by Maye’s sister Mary. They are all bright and articulate people. Last week their mother, Dr. Celeste Sullivan, age 54, was struck and killed by a bus in New Bedford. Our sincere condolences to them and their families. This writer did not know Dr. Sullivan, but I did get to meet her children. They are a great testament to their mom. Her memory will live on with them and through them.

Frankie Lee’s band Foreverly Brothers recently played a 40th wedding anniversary celebration for Trinity Rep mainstay Richard Jenkins and his wife. Imagine that – an actor married 40 years.

I was talking about the fight in the South Korean Parliament in which men were fighting with men and women were even battling each other. Mr. D. said that in the English Parliament, they have to be two sword lengths apart.

Last week there was a Cisco Kid Fest at the Hot Club. I told the Cisco Kid that he always brings something to the experience. Cisco said “Usually drunkenness.” I meant experiences like Cisco playing Lady GaGa’s Poker Face.

Cisco went to California back in 1976 despite just passing a state test for a job with the Department of Unemployment. However the Proc invited Cisco to go cross country with him (in a yellow VW, ‘the Lemon’). “Take a ride”, said Proc.

We were talking about the age of Stevie Winwood. I noted that he was about 17 (actually 15 after a Google check) when he was in the Spencer Davis Group. Cisco said “1966.” How did Cisco know when it was? Said Cisco, “I have an abacus in my head.”

My thanks to Eric Gustafson, the Lovely Lisa and Patti for their assistance last week helping a member of the Cisco Kid Fest who wasn’t feeling well.

I thought that Eric was a percussionist. Chuck D. pointed out that he is a perfusionist. Mike Module said, “He maintains the rhythm.”

The Consigliere told me that he has a friend that owns car washes. The friend told the Consigliere that it has rained 29 out of the last 40 days. The car wash guy would know.

Jen Riley told me that Desi gave birth to a baby girl. The child’s name is Delilah.

The Hot Club

2009-07-28T15:10:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

A patron last Wednesday night on the marina side of the Hot Club threw an empty beer bottle into the water. Buffalo Steve and Mike Module saw this transgression and were none too happy. I asked Buffalo Steve what an appropriate penalty would be – “Joining it”, said Steve.

Mike Module pointed out that the guy who littered the water was wearing a Yankees cap. Mike said, “I thought that explained the whole thing.”

Overheard at the Hot Club: Bags is about to turn 50 (Wed.). However the consensus is that Wise looks younger than Bags. Well the consensus was 4 out of 5 with one person abstaining. And that’s with Bags looking younger since he got rid of the ‘porn moustache’.

Wise said that it was a great career move for Michael Jackson to die. Well for his estate.

Our condolences to Fleet Feet Pete whose father recently passed away. Fleet Feet’s father favorite bar was Lewis’ and since he couldn’t drink a lot of beer, the bar created a special half draft called a ‘Romeo draft’ in honor of Pete’s dad. After the funeral, Fleet Feet Pete and company went into Lewis’ and ordered 14 ‘Romeo drafts’.

Wild Bill told me that the most famous grad of RPI in his year (modestly he excluded himself) was Bobby Farrelly. Wild Bill said that Farrelly majored in geology.

I saw the Farrelly Brothers one time on Gene Lavanchy’s late night sports program (Ch. 7 I think). They bemoaned all the negativity in sports writing, wondering how you could turn something that was fun into a downer. That appearance inspired me to write Sportzine.

According to my spies, Mark Bellhorn was at the Hot Club the night that the Red Sox released him. I remembered his homerun to win Game #1 of the 2004 World Series against St. Louis. The Wakefield start.

Hooks’ cousin just opened a restaurant with David Ortiz on Route 9 in Framingham, Mass. It’s called Big Papi’s. Naturally.

A woman on the deck yelled “Firefighters! They have big hoses.”

The Hot Club

2009-07-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

In Game 4 of the Yankees- Red Sox 2004 AL championship, Bags left the Hot Club when Mariano Rivera came in for the 9th inning. The only ones who stayed at the Hot Club were Wise and Foot Joy. “Foot Joy to keep me company”, Wise said. “To keep you awake,” said Bags.

There was a Scott McKay sighting at the Hot Club. Scott retired last fall from the Providence Journal and is working the political round table for WRI, the public radio station. Hooks called the current Providence Journal ‘The Pamphlet’.

Wise and Bags thought that Jason Bay became a US citizen for tax purposes. Taxes are cheaper in the US than they are in Canada.

I was talking about seeing ‘ticky tacky little boxes’ (condos) while taking a ride into Water Place Park on Tom McGinn’s boat. Pete Seeger once did a song about ticky tacky little boxes (cookie cutter houses). Patti pointed out that Pete Seeger’s song is the theme music of the TV show Weeds.

Big Papi hit a homerun to put the Red Sox ahead 4-1. The blast went into the RF bullpen. Someone started up the cry, “Big Papi! Big Papi! Where’s Foot Joy? Where’s Foot Joy?”

Jack of Fire calls for an inside fast ball ‘so Cust can’t extend his arms’. So Papelbon throws an inside fastball to strike out Jack Cust, and the Sox win the rubber game against the A’s. “Manager of the Year! I should be Manager of the Year!” said the Jack of Fire.

Citizen Caroline’s fashion tips: “Women should not go commando with white shorts!” Caroline objected to women not wearing anything under their white shorts. It’s a little too obvious. The dead giveaway per Caroline – their asses shake. There’s nothing to hold them in.

Buffalo Steve revealed to me that Connie Mack once played for the Buffalo Bisons, who recently visited McCoy Stadium. I knew that Connie (Cornelius) Mack’s name was shortened from McGillicuddy.

Recently I was at McCoy Stadium for a PawSox game and Francis’ friend Louise was reading Sportzine. She remarked on the item that Brittan Bates had just gotten married. Seems that Louise (Smeraldo) had worked with Brittan at the Donley Center. So she learned about Brittan Bates’ nuptials from reading Sportzine. The power of the Zine!

The Hot Club

2009-06-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Cajun Steve read Wiz’ comment that there is only one set of in-laws in West Virginia. Steve said that there are no in-laws in West Virginia. Only siblings.

Foot Joy suggested a way to get back at Joba Chamberlain for hitting Red Sox players (especially Kevin Youkilis). Since there is interleague play now, FJ suggested we pay a National League pitcher to hit Joba.

You all know that the Hot Club is like the Hotel California – you can check out but you can never leave. Last Sunday Audrey was tending bar and Jake had reappeared.

Ginny from RISD also showed up last week and she still gets the Sportzine. Ginny says she holds her own with the guys during football season by quoting stuff from the Zine.

Mary tells me that her sister Maya just had the opening of her movie Shank which was shown at RISD. Mary gave the 90-minute movie a thumbs up. Mary said Maya is trying to get the movie accepted at a film festival. Good luck to Maya in her cinematic career.

Charlie Clancy was telling Fleet Feet Pete about something and said, “...got it down pat.” Chuck D added, “And Pat doesn’t like it.”

Ed Lake was talking about Leonard Cohen, who has been touring. I told Ed to get a copy of Jennifer Warnes’ Famous Blue Raincoat, on which she covers Cohen songs like Bird On A Wire. I told Ed my favorite is First We Take Manhattan, Then We Take Berlin.

Chuck D said that there is a new education program for priests by priests. It’s called ‘Leave no child’s behind’.

According to female intelligence, when women use the ladies’ room, they become a human hovercraft. No, not a hummer craft. A hover crap. I mean hovercraft.

The Wiz said that the highest compliment you can pay a woman in Arkansas is “Nice tooth.”

Wiz said that the Arkansas and West Virginia stories are interchangeable. He also added Burrillville to that mix. I told him that a woman from Burrillville once asked her co-workers: “How do men do it with sheep? They put the sheep’s back legs in their boots.”

ORric said that they are into animal husbandry in Burrillville. I said, “Yeah they want to husband your animal.”

The Hot Club

2009-06-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Someone told me that Contraire wanted his house painted. The guy wouldn’t paint the house unless Contraire paid his Blue Cross. So the guy didn’t paint Contraire’s house.

Wise says that Contraire still has his communion money.

Whose nickname is Waterloo? More importantly, how did he get it?

Former IBMer Steve said that in the ’60’s and ’70’s, if you spotted a guy in an airport who was wearing a 3-piece business suit and the 15 lb. wingtips (the shoes of a thousand eyes), it was either an IBM rep or an FBI agent.

I was bemoaning the loss of Smithwick’s on tap to Britt. She advised me, “Don’t ever get attached to anything at the Hot Club.”

A guy at the HC wore a tee shirt with the following message: ‘My drinking problem solves your ugly problem.’

Happy Birthday to Julie Massey who celebrates this week. Jules rules!

Congratulations to Brittan Bates who got married last weekend. Best of luck to the newlyweds and much health and happiness.

A sign that a company is going under – they bring in someone to manage who has no experience in the field and who used to be a child counselor. Good enough for Letterman’s Top 10 List.

Overheard at the Hot Club: A married man tells a single woman that she’s very attractive, bright and fun to be around. He assures her that she will find someone. The woman blurts out, “Then find me a man!”

Overheard at the Hot Club: Patriot Pat’s Pub. That has a nice ring to it.

Contraire recently called Sportzine “Sports Lies”.

“If a horse can’t eat it I don’t want to play on it.” Fleet Feet Pete quoting Richie Allen.

Kate suggested I check out the site Rottentomatoes.com for movie reviews. Katie said that they gave a 93% rating to Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell, an unusually high score.

The Hot Club

2009-05-26T15:01:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Fran introduced me to Stacey who had a question. Her dad kept calling Papelbon chinko ocho and she didn’t know what it meant. I said that was Papelbon’s number (58) in Spanish. However it’s cinco not chinko. Stacey knew the correct Spanish for 58 (cincuenta ocho). I forgot to tell her about the football connection - Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals calls himself ocho cinco for his jersey number (85). Correct Spanish (I think) for 85 is ochenta cinco.

Foot Joy recalled ‘Marvelous Marv’ Throneberry who played for the 1962 NY Mets. Casey Stengal came out to argue when Throneberry was called out for missing 2B on a triple. Stengal’s 1B coach yelled to him “Don’t bother. He missed first base too.” Foot Joy also recalled Marv Throneberry’s brother Faye, who played for the Boston Red Sox.

Captain John gave Contraire a hard time because he had dropped the Sportzine on the floor. Son of a Son of a Sailor said that Contraire wasn’t showing the Zine any respect.

We were watching the Red Sox Game #1 vs. Toronto. Contraire said he was rooting for the Red Sox to win so that he could bet against them in Game #2.

Contraire actually ventured out of Providence and went to Warwick (the Mall of course). He went to see The Falcon. But Contraire wouldn’t tell me what the Falcon was doing at the Mall. Contraire said that The Falcon pointed out Mr. D.’s brother to him. I told Contraire “Mr. D. doesn’t have a brother.”

I told Contraire about being in the Air Force but getting to go to Copenhagen. It was during the Vietnam War era (1969). We went into a conditerei and they wouldn’t serve us. After waiting about 20 minutes we left. Contraire said, “You should have bombed them.”

“I have a low tolerance for patience.” That’s what Obasi told me that Contraire had said the previous night. Buffalo Steve said “That’s what my doctor says, ‘I have a low tolerance for patients.’ ”

It was Tuesday night at the HC, time for the Trivia Contest. Turns out Obasi has won the last two weeks. Going for three. I left before finding out whether Obasi won again.

The last time the Wizard had his hair cut was October of 1993. I was horrified. The Wiz said, “Your hair only grows so long and stops.” I expressed disbelief. Said the Wiz, “If that weren’t true, your eyebrows would be down to your knees.”

The Hot Club

2009-05-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Charlie Clancy said that you can bury him in a David Ortiz shirt (but not before your time, right Charlie?). Charlie respects David Ortiz and believes he’ll recover. Me too.

Charlie also said that baseball in his lifetime has changed. Starting pitchers went 8 or 9 innings. Now some starters are considered good if they get to the 7th and give up 3 runs or less (a quality start). We recalled pitchers like Warren Spahn and Sandy Koufax throwing 300 innings. I noted that Foot Joy feels Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan contributed by using relief pitchers early and situationally.

Congratulations to ex-Hot Club bartender Desi, who according to my source, is expecting. Her significant other, Chef Eric Woolf, recently bought Loie Fuller from Mike Sears. We wish Desi a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery and best wishes to the expectant couple.

Buffalo Steve thinks I look too white. Steve said I looked like I just came out of the crypt. Which of course led us to discuss the great TV horror series, Tales From The Crypt.

Mike Module was telling us about his gig with Mr. D.’s band Almond Joy at Patrick’s Pub. There were good reports about the Module’s insertion which augmented the always solid sonics of the band. Mike said “They put me to work.” I said “They’re going to make an honest man out of you.” “I wouldn’t go that far”, said Stevie Saucepan.

Fleet Feet Pete pointed out that one of the Orlando Magic, Rafer Alston I believe, kissed a bald ref on the side of the head. I felt that in a different day, Alston would have been thrown out of the game. Fleet Feet Pete said that in a different era, Alston would have been thrown out of the league.

I told Fleet Feet Pete that a friend of mine thinks Jim Rice is gay. Pete didn’t think Rice was gay, just “socially retarded”.

Fleet Feet Pete observed a Friday night femme fatale with long legs and opined, “Those are a pair of legs that rise out of the ground and make a perfect ass out of themselves.”

My brother Brad was in from Asheville, NC, on a visit. I introduced Brad to Dr. John and told him Brad was my brother. Dr John said to Brad, “And you admit it?

I was telling Citizen Caroline that my companion Victoria says that I don’t hear all of what she says. Caroline said, “Do you think that’s unusual for your gender?”

The Hot Club

2009-05-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

Monday (May 11) is Patti’s 22nd anniversary working at the Hot Club. It is also her birthday. She’s not telling me which one though. Happy Birthday and congratulations to Patti. Salute the Grande Dame (GD) of the Hot Club! Patti took over from Sandy as the GD of the HC.

Jokin’ Joe told us about a guy who went to a doctor because of a strange condition – the guy’s penis had turned orange. Doc asked him what he did with his spare time. The guy said he had just got divorced so he spent a lot of time watching porn movies and eating cheese doodles.

The Wizard said that if you call 1-800-555-8355, it’s a free number where you can get stock quotes, sports scores, etc. How do they make their money? He doesn’t know. However he’s been using it for years.

I saw a man bring drinks to his buddy’s table. Then the drink bearer gave his buddy the change back from the drinks. It made me think of the expression “I’ll fly, if you buy.” I told Mr. D. that you don’t hear that saying much anymore.

A custom made suit in an off-the-rack world. What does it mean? Ask Alexander the Grate. He said it. I think it comes from a M*A*S*H episode.

So I asked Citizen Caroline if she wanted a drink and she said “No”. So I asked “How about some punch?” and kiddingly showed her my fist. Citizen Caroline said, “How about a knuckle sandwich?” I showed her both my fists and told her what my Grandpa, Jim Cullen, used to say, showing his left fist and then his right, “Do you want 6 weeks in the hospital or sudden death?”

Foot Joy was talking about broadcaster Bob Starr, who when talking about the baseball player John Jaha said that if he played in the winter league, Jaha would be Juan HaHa.

Foot Joy also pointed out that Bob Montgomery, who didn’t make a lot of on-air gaffes, once called Kirby Puckett, Cubby Pirkett. From then on he was Cubby Pirkett to FJ.

Mike Module’s sister Liz once worked at the front desk of the downtown Marriott (Orms St.). Johnny Cash came in to register. She said he was very cordial and asked her if she wanted tickets to his show. So Liz got to see Johnny Cash at the Warwick Tent. Liz said that Henry Winkler, the Fonz, was just the opposite. Full of himself. A pain in the ass.

The Hot Club

2009-05-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

I met a guy whose father used to be a Providence policeman. The guy uses the same gym as ex-Patriot Patrick Pass and told me that Pass wants to become a Providence cop.

Made the mistake of telling Contraire that I was going to Asheville, North Carolina. Said Contraire, “If we’re lucky, they’ll keep you.”

Easy Ed wouldn’t shake hands with me because of the swine flu scare. “I’m scared. I want to protect myself”, he said (kiddingly). I told Easy Ed, “Just don’t shake hands with any swine.”

Contraire said that David Ortiz was all done. Foot Joy told Contraire that he was all done. Contraire told Foot Joy “You’re going to be all done on the grill.”

Later we found out why the Red Sox 11-game win streak ended – Contraire jinxed them by betting on them the night the streak ended.

Foot Joy is not real fond of an organization called Skate for Joy which teaches inner city youngsters how to ice skate. Think of those poor kids having a chance to skate. “With a big smile on their face”, said Wise Man. It might keep one kid out of trouble. Foot Joy wasn’t buying it. Wise told Foot Joy he sounded like Contraire. “Those are fighting words”, said FJ.

Contraire is always trying to start trouble. He said that he hoped the Red Sox got swept. Wise, Foot Joy and I pointed out that the Red Sox won the first game of the series so they couldn’t get swept. So Contraire said, “I hope they get swept from here on in.”

Lizzy the bartender said that she has a basketball signed by Rajon Rondo which will be raffled off ($1 a ticket) for the benefit of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. See Liz.

Foot Joy and I came up with a brilliant idea for a new product – Jack Daniels popsicles. We told the Wise Man we just needed some financial backing from him to fund the idea. Wise told us what we could do with our popsicles.

Mr. D said that there should be a Steroids Hall of Fame. He also suggested a Gamblers’ Hall of Fame for Pete Rose.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks Buffalo Steve).

The Hot Club

2009-04-14T15:26:00.001-07:00

THE HOT CLUB
WHERE HEARTS ARE ON FIRE

BUT IT’S NEVER TOO HOT
FOR THE DEVIL MAY CARE

575 South Water Street

Providence, RI

The Wise Man pointed out to the Wizard that Mark Teixeira made more money in 3 hours than Wiz did teaching for the last three years. Wiz told me, “Dude, he made more in 3 hours than you and I combined made in the last 3 years.”

Contraire said to Fran, “Where are you going to sit so I can move?” Added Contraire to Fran, “You broke a record. You made a headline in less than a minute.” Apparently Contraire was his usual contrary self last week when Fran was watching the U Conn women’s basketball team win the NCAA Championship (undefeated season). Contraire got the bartender to change the channel. Fran was upset. Contraire asked Fran, “What are you wasting your time watching this women’s basketball game?”

Said Fran of Contraire, “He needs to go back to work.” I mentioned that I asked Contraire “Are you waiting to get called back to your old job?” Contraire said he didn’t want to go back. And he’s been at the same job for 30+ years.

Charlie Clancy said he saw Don Shula, Bobby Knight and Lou Holtz, all undefeated coaches, on ESPN. They were asked about the difference between today’s players and those of the past. Bobby Knight said with today’s players there’s too much individualism over team and a lot of these guys are in the limelight getting heavy media coverage.

Charlie (C squared) thinks that we should celebrate all 5 days of Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Cinco. He suggested that the bartenders wear sombreros with chips and salsa.

A person brought up betting a parlay (you must win two bets). So I said that someone who knew a lot about gambling told me that a parlay was a sucker’s bet. Contraire said “Correction. Especially when you’ve got the Red Sox in it.” The Contrary One said “Put it down. You heard it from me. The Devil Rays have the Red Sox number this year.”

When I gave a copy of the Zine to Britt, she immediately turned to the last page – the Hot Club section. Josh of the Grill told Britt, “You went right to the last page. Jim writes about people like you on the front page.”

A married guy asks a girl for her phone number. She says, “You either want me to go out to dinner with you and your wife or you want me to babysit for you tomorrow night.”

Broc was drinking a beer called Rising Moon. “Rising Moon. That’s me coming out of the bathtub”, Broc said.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks Buffalo Steve

The Hot Club

2009-04-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

Channel 10 was doing a news bit about the Providence police and there was a female cop talking about her job. She looked familiar. They flashed her name – Nicole Darling. I remember a woman waiting tables on the Hot Club deck a few summers ago. Her name was Nicole. She had been in the Army military police. Her ambition, she told Mr. D. and me, was to become a cop. So I checked with Beau and he confirmed that it was the very same Nicole. CJ also knows Nicole and has stayed friends with her. So Nicole wanted to be a cop. She succeeded. Bravo, Nicole.

Someone was calling himself a moron or a semi-moron. I assured the person that he was not a moron. It reminded me of my Air Force buddy Mike Curtis who used to say “We’re not your average run-of-the-mill clowns.” To which I would add, “No, we’re your above average run-of-the-mill clowns.”

Wise and I were talking about learning from your mistakes. Then the Wise Man pointed out that it’s also important to learn from other people’s mistakes.

Who gets more impossible day after day – could it be Contraire? He saw me using my digital recorder for a Hot Club item. Seeing me recording, Contraire said “He does that because he can’t remember. He can’t remember his own conversation. And he misquotes everyone.” I interjected, “Not any more.”

Fran told me that there is a new marketing term – breastraunts. They follow the Hooters model. There are two different chains – one is Twin Peaks in Texas. I said that they stole that name from David Lynch’s wild Twin Peaks TV show.

Overheard at the Hot Club:
Male talking to a Female (Fantasized) – “Let’s talk about the first thing that comes up.” And “Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that comes up.”

Who is known as Squanto and why? Look that up in your Funk and Wagnall’s. Er, Web.

After Fleet Feet Pete dropped his phone, and it still worked, Stevie Saucepan called him “The Timex Guy”. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. John Cameron Swayze. Said Fleet Feet Pete, “I love to take those lickings.”

Stevie Saucepan held up a ‘W’ magazine and said “It doesn’t look like Bush.” He saw that it was Madonna on the cover and added, “And then I re-thought it.”
Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks Buffalo Steve).

The Hot Club

2009-03-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

Tom McGinn told me that Buddy Cianci can run for office again when he’s 73. That would be 5 years after his probation ends. That’s according to Rhode Island law. Tom was sure that Buddy would run again. Is that sick or what?

When I told Tom that Buddy would probably get elected again, he agreed. Frequent Flyer said, “He was a good mayor.” Tom noted that the day Buddy resigned from office, Cianci had a 64% approval rating. Frequent Flyer added, “Compare that to Obama!” Said Tom, “Compare it to anybody.”

Someone complained about the job Barack Obama was doing. Said Foot Joy, “All the people that complain about Obama and what he’s trying to do now, forget that he’s trying to correct the mess left by the people that the current complainers voted for.”

Foot Joy and I were talking about the Trouble Magnet, A-Rod. The ‘kissing the mirror’ photo and his dalliance with the NY Madam (He dated her! Now that’s a lonely guy!) Foot Joy pointed out that the Yankees would take Manny over A-Rod and the Red Sox would take Manny back rather than have A-Rod. I said that the Red Sox front office is probably wiping their brow that they didn’t succeed in their move to get A-Rod.

I added that Madonna right about now is probably wondering “Did that son-of-a bitch give me a sexually transmitted disease?” Foot Joy said that Madonna, given her history, might have passed something on to A-Rod. I thought Madonna might be more pristine.

Most cougars are mothers according to Frequent Flyer. “Well, the lion’s share”, said Frequent Flyer.

Foot Joy told me that when WEEI interviewed Tim Wakefield, Wake revealed that the Red Sox have a knuckleball machine and George Kottaras works with it a couple times a day. Helpful. Smart. Is Gary Tuck involved with that?

The Bear stopped by the Hot Club. He’s retired but just got another job teaching. The Bear was complaining about having to get up early to teach. I told the Bear, “I can feel for you, but I can’t reach you.”

Mike Module was talking about going out in a canoe and bringing beer along. Buff Steve suggested that might not be a good idea since The Module would be on an open river. That reminded me of the story about Ted Williams inviting Carl Yaz on a fishing trip. Yaz walked up to the boat with a cooler of beer. When Ted asked Yaz what was in the cooler, the serious fisherman told Yaz no beer on the trip. Yaz went home instead.

The Hot Club

2009-03-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

Mr. D’s band Almond Joy had a great gig at the Volturno Club last Saturday. Sitting in at the Spring Fling was the Ohio Hitman, Ken Arnold. Besides adding his guitar to the mix, The Hitman did the vocals on Georgia Satellite’s Keep Your Hands To Yourself. We almost saw Mike Module sit in too, but he didn’t bring his guitar.

Buffalo Steve was in attendance at the Almond Joy concert, and informed me that when he Googled the Volturno Club to get directions, the Hot Club section of Sportzine was the first site to pop up. It was that mention of the gig in the last Zine. Ah the wonders of the Web!

In a conversation with Foot Joy, he pointed out that Manny’s new contract with the Dodgers has a player option for 2010. FJ said that if Manny opts out, LA can not offer Manny arbitration and would lose him with no compensation. I said it was stupid on the Dodgers part, stupid on owner Frank McCourt’s part. Foot Joy said, “You’re talking about somebody who hired Grady Little to manage the team after the Red Sox fired him.”

I mentioned that Patrick O’Bryant’s lasting impression on the Celtics was giving Brian Scalabrine a concussion in practice.

Friday the 13th Mr. D. noticed an amazing event – there were more women at the Hot Club than there were men. It was the first time since last summer.

Many of the women present were very tall. So I started humming “Short people got no reason to live.” Randy Newman, the great satirist, wrote Short People (and he’s short). Not everyone gets satire. Newman’s I Love LA was actually a slap at the city but they never understood that and used Newman’s song as a marketing tool.

I was discussing learning the pitfalls of having a cell phone with the ringer on. I was at a wake and walking up to the casket when my cell phone rang. I was mortified. Citizen Caroline observed: “You should be mortified at a wake.”

Mr. D. was singing J. Fred Wilson and the Playboys’ Judy in Disguise. Only he was singing Julie in Disguise. The Jules corrected him and made it Judy in Disguise.

Jokin’ Joe said that one of the best TV lines from the past was from Leave It To Beaver when Mrs. Cleaver told her husband, “Gee Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night.”

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com (Thanks Buffalo Steve).

The Hot Club

2009-03-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

Mr. D.’s band Almond Joy is playing their Spring Fling Saturday March 21st at the Volturno Club (aka St. Anthony’s K of C) which is at 1 Volturno St. in North Providence (off Charles St.). Come on down and hear some good music. It starts about 8:00.

Who has a tattoo of one of the card suits on his ankle? And I was told that the Mayor of Providence has a dagger tattoo on his ankle.

The Wizard said that when he’s my age, then he will want a Toyota Camry too. Wiz says that the Camry is a ‘pepe car’.

The Wise Man said that when he was a teenager, he went to a Linda Ronstadt concert at Bryant. Wise went up on stage and kissed Ronstadt. He got hauled in by the cops. At the time there was no police station in North Smithfield nor in North Providence, so the cops dropped him off at the Providence line. Wise might have dodged the issue, but his friend ratted him out to his parents. Wise said his father ‘grounded him for life’. His dad said, “Go to your bedroom and don’t come out for the rest of your life.”

The Hot Club is like the Hotel California: you can check out any time you want, but you can never leave. Friday Sandy and her husband Mike returned to the HC. Sandy looked great and said she was happy as a nurse at St. Anne’s Hospital in Fall River. Also spotted recently were Christine and Audrey.

The Wise Man used to have his kids watch the Celtics. When his daughter was 2, she wanted Larry Bird instead of Big Bird. When she was 4, she could name the starting lineup of the 1985 Celtics.

Preview of Coming Attractions: In the near future, there will be a Hot Club/Sportzine nicknames contest. Who’s who? How many do you know after reading the Zine all these years? Confidentiality will be maintained. There will be prizes. I will determine the winners based on the most correct answers. Fran asked me to help him raise money for the American Cancer Society (ACS). The entry fees ($5) will be donated to the ACS.

Fran wants to know where ‘the office’ sign is.

Patriot Pat said there’s something for migraines called ‘Head On’. It’s an over-the- counter medication that you put on your forehead and your headaches go away.

A writer called Manny the ‘clown prince’. Foot Joy said that’s disrespecting Max Patkin.

The Hot Club

2009-03-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

The Ornery Asshole told me that he never wanted to be called that. He said he wanted to be known as The Asshole Cook. He said he never had ‘ornery’, that I came up with that. He said what he wanted was very simple - to be called ‘The Asshole Cook’. Some things get lost in the mix. I told him “You might be stuck with Ornery Asshole.”

Overheard at the Hot Club: A woman is good if she can cook with or without a stove. Women that know all the restaurants are suspect as far as being good cooks. These women don’t make meals, they make reservations.

Jokin’ Joe said he came in to see the Wise Man on Wednesday night because Wise would be ‘the running man’ on Thursday.

We were talking about the movie Diner and Mickey Rourke’s great performance. Alexander the Grate recalled the popcorn box scene and the Silencer said, “Oh yeah. Ohh yeahhhh! Now I remember that scene.” I said, “Mickey Rourke has had a lot of facial surgery.” Said Alex, “The Bus hit him. The Bus of Life.”

Overheard at the Hot Club: the Wizard of the Web is known in some circles as ‘Q-Tip’or ‘Einstein’. I said, “Einstein is for the hair, right?” That was quickly seconded and thirded.

Citizen Caroline was late to arrive on Friday. Alexander the Great asked, “Where’s the Mighty C? Where’s the running Italian goddess?”

Augie added another musical favorite, a rockabilly group out of Colorado called Slim Cessna’s Auto Club. In our conversation Augie also revealed that Jake Nichols’ place Jake’s sadly is no longer in existence.

The Hot Club had changed its opening time from noon to 4 pm. Recently they revised opening time to 3 pm. Wise admitted that he got Eben to open up at 2 pm on Sunday so he could watch the PC-Rutgers game. Well, why not? Without Wise during the winter months, the Hot Club would be cold instead of cool.

Beau told me that Contraire proclaimed that I’m missing 80% of my Hot Club material because he’s not around. I pointed out to Beau that the Hot Club section of Sportzine has done quite well without Contraire.

Jackie worked Sunday and hubby John was there too. The TV showed the SNL skit in which Chris Walken demands that Will Ferrell play ‘More Cowbell’ on Blue Oyster
Cult’s Don’t Fear the Reaper. When the skit ended, John played Don’t Fear the Reaper.

The Hot Club

2009-02-24T15:11:00.000-08:00

Katherin told Becky that she hadn’t lived yet because she had never read Sportzine before. Becky said she was a ‘Sportzine Virgin’. So I gave Becky a copy of Sportzine. As Becky began to read it, Easy Ed said, “Once she reads the first line, she’s not a virgin anymore.”

Wise was talking about appaloosas. Wise said that if you are ‘too poor to own a horse, and too rich to own a dog’ then you buy an appaloosa.

Kung Fu Hustle. Both Chuck D and Alexander the Grate highly recommended this movie. So Chuck asked the Ornery Asshole what he thought of Kung Fu Hustle. The Ornery A said “Fantastic…Funny. Energetic. Stephen Chow is an incredible director, writer, actor.” And per Alex, despite being an action-comedy, it has one of the most poignant romances you’ll ever encounter.

Alex also revealed that nunchuks, or nunchaku as he noted, are Japanese in origin, not Chinese. Chuck knew that many Asian weapons were farm implements. Nunchuks were used to thresh rice.

Alexander the Great also called Chuck D what I heard as “Chuckularity”. What Alex actually said of Chuck was “Jocularity.”

Fearless Francis pointed out that A-Rod gets about $150,000 a game. And Manny, if he doesn’t foul off some pitches, is probably getting (or was) $30,000 an at bat. So Francis wondered if you’re a fan and Manny pops out on the first pitch, do you get your full satisfaction? But then I realized that Francis’ math was off. He thought players got about 300 at bats. I told him if a guy played 100 games with 4 at bats per, that’s 400 at bats right there. Nice idea though.

Lizzy Dalton, who’s now bartending on Mondays and Wednesdays (for a while) told me that she is in training to run the Rock N’ Roll Marathon in San Diego in May. It is to benefit The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. A close friend of Lizzy’s, Peter Wright, is a survivor of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. If you wish to make a donation to the good cause, see Lizzy.

The Hot Club

2009-02-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

Liz, the Monday bartender, is involved in a crazy hair contest. She just got her ‘box o’ hair’. The contest is in NH. People make animals and other wild stuff out of their hair. What will Liz do? We’ll keep you posted.

In the recent music scene, Augie likes Jose Gonzalez (Crosses) and Adele.

The Wizard told me that Sierra Hull, a 16-year old mandolin player, is one of the top 10 in the country. Her album is called Secrets. He sent a YouTube video as support.

We were talking about metal detectors in schools. Then the topic switched to college police carrying guns. The Wizard and I agreed that if the campus cops were similar to those in our day that we didn’t want them carrying guns.

The conversation turned to whether Tasers are legal. I mentioned that in watching the Westminster Kennel Club’s Best in Show, there was a dog named ‘Taser’ whose owner invented Tasers. Then I saw Monday that Jack Cover, who invented the Taser stun gun died at 88 in Los Angeles. Cover called it TSER for Tom Swift and his Electric Rifle.

The NCAA b-baller named Gerald Henderson - is that the son of the ex-Celtic player Gerald Henderson? Isiah Thomas – is that the son of the old Pistons’ guard? Wise wanted to know how many Isiah Thomases there are. Foot Joy raised the question of how many George Formans there are.

Pucky told me that he and his friends also used to get ‘ends’ (the ends of fruit squares) for free from the local bakeries. Pucky said that in French an end is called ‘le crut’.

Fleet Feet Pete said someone asked him what’s it like to be a middle linebacker. Pete said, “It’s like walking into a lion’s cage with a 3-piece pork chop suit.”

Overheard at the Hot Club: Someone gets on someone’s e-mail list, who then sends out stuff but doesn’t hide the people’s e-mail addresses using BCC. The person warns the individual to do it BCC or to put parentheses around the e-mail addresses so as not to get spam. All to no effect. So the offended party sends the non-BCCer a string of spam.

Jokin’ Joe was talking about a local hot tub you could rent by the hour. It was called Cuddles and Bubbles. He said a friend referred to it as ‘the local soak and poke’.

Jokin Joe said that a married couple had words. The husband said, “We had words, but I didn’t get to use any of mine.”

The Hot Club

2009-02-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

Hooks used to go to Twins Pizza regularly for 30 years. Then he complained to the woman at the counter when he waited 45 minutes for his pizza after being told it would take 15. The woman at the counter was the owner and suggested that he not come back if he didn’t like it. He hasn’t been back since.

Mike Module said that a good winter day for kids was to make some money shoveling snow, then to stop by Helen’s Spa for some candy, and go to Margaret’s Bakery for ‘ends’. The bakery had bags of ‘ends’, the ends of the lemon, fig and date squares that they sold. Margaret’s would give away the ends to kids for free.

I predicted to Foot Joy that the Red Sox would win another World Series because they’ve re-signed the Captain, Jason Varitek. Foot Joy disputed this notion and said ’Tek would ground out with the bases loaded and the Sox would lose. We’ll see.

Kevin On Fire said he’d help advertize Sportzine by putting the logo on his ass while running around the neighborhood.

Pucky pointed out that the Comcast broadcast of the Super Bowl in Arizona showed viewers a porn movie near the end of the game. Said the Warden, “They saw the wrong Super Bowl.” I said, “Super Ball.”

Different ring tones – Charlie Hughes has the ESPN musical intro.

Jokin’ Joe had another lawyer joke: “Why are scientists using lawyers instead of rats in science experiments? Because there are some things that you can’t get the rats to do.”

After I said that Wednesdays at the HC have become like a gulag, Frequent Flyer suggested that there may be a connection between gulag and goulash – because there’s a lot of shit mixed together. This Wednesday there will be music at the Hot Club.

Charlie Clancy had a good idea. We should go to a monorail system in Rhode Island like the one in Disney World and transport people to the malls that way. Just park your car and go.

Frequent Flyer said that the monorail system wouldn’t work in Rhode Island because no one has a piece of the action or a vested interest in a monorail franchise.

The Hot Club

2009-02-03T14:10:00.000-08:00

Mike Module grew up in my neighborhood. We reminisced about some of the local landmarks – Monkey Island in Slater Park, 7 Bumps where we use to go sledding. Death Valley, with they rope swing, was our playground. Mary’s Bakery, Bert’s Superette, Helen’s Spa, Hart’s Market and Margaret’s which had great coffee cabinets (that’s a drink). Oh and we used to go see Margie, Hank Soar’s daughter, for MLB game balls.

Chuck D just returned from China. He said that one quarter of the fresh water that is fit for human consumption is not OK for industrial use.

Chuck also said that you get bird flu if you kiss the wrong chick. A woman came up to him at the Hard Rock Café and asked “Where are you from?” Chuck said, “Are you a prostitute?” She said “Yes.”

Drivers in China use their horn as their brake pedal.

Adam asked why he didn’t have a Hot Club nickname. I told him because he hadn’t done anything wrong. Adam said that every day he’s an ornery asshole. So he suggested that name. I said Ornery A would do. Britt offered a different nickname for Adam – Lurch.

I asked Fleet Feet Pete, “What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer? ... There are skid marks in front of the skunk.”

So Chuck asked, “What’s the difference between a porcupine and a law office. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.”

Charlie Clancy was telling Fleet Feet Pete and me about his ‘signature moments’ in sports. Charlie mentioned Carlton Fisk’s HR against Cincy in the World Series, Doug Flutie’s Hail Mary Answered against Miami (to Gerard Phelan). ‘Havlicek stole the ball’. I always liked ‘Bird stole the ball’ (the inbounds pass by Isiah Thomas). I mentioned the audio at the Hall of Fame with Bernie Carbo homering off Rawly Eastwick to tie Cincy.

Pete asked me for a signature moment and I said, “Vinatieri’s kick in the snow to tie Oakland’. He kicked it right in front of us.” Charlie recalled Ted Williams’ home run in his last at bat. Off of Jack ____. After a while I remembered the pitcher – Jack Fisher.

We talked about starting a B-Ball team. I said I’d take Bill Russell to start my team. 11 championships in 13 NBA seasons. Two NCAA championships at the University of San Francisco and an Olympic Gold Medal too. No one else has ever done that. Fleet Feet Pete said that Russell could have been a decathlon champ.

The Hot Club

2009-01-27T15:18:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder for Super Bowl fans, Mike Solomon invites all Sportzine readers to the annual "Wes' Rib House Super Bowl Party" Sunday night to watch the big game. Wes’ Rib House is at 38 Dike St. in Providence (421-9090). The Super Bowl starts at 6PM. There is a free buffet at half time for anyone who is at Wes’ before the game starts. So stop on by and feast on ribs, chicken and other incredible edibles while watching The Game. And tell’em Sportzine sent you.

Fleet Feet Pete came into the Hot Club and said, “It’s dead.” I said, “But you’re alive. We’re alive. It’s all good.”

The Man on Fire said “Happy New President’s Day.” We all wanted to celebrate that.

Someone (the Bear, Glenn Live It Up?) said that when the helicopter was taking George W. Bush away, the crowd began singing the Steam song Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye. Word is that Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow were leading the singers.

Listening to Little Feat on the jukebox doing a version of Dixie Chicken. Got to see Little Feat and Lowell George way back when they did the album with jello on the front. Fleet Feet Pete liked the version of Fat Man in the Bathtub which is on Waiting For Columbus. I said the irony was that Lowell George reportedly died in a bathtub of too much drugs and alcohol. Googling (Wikipedia) shows that Lowell George died 6/29/79 in a Marriott hotel in Arlington, VA of a massive heart attack. There were no drugs nor alcohol involved, and it appears he was not found in the bathtub.

According to Fleet Feet Pete, another Murphy’s Law or Murphyism:
“Hell hath no fury like a lawyer on a contingency fee.”

The juke box was playing an ABBA hit. I mentioned that at one time, ABBA had sold more albums worldwide than even the Beatles. Not anymore. A Google search indicates that ABBA sold over 370 million worldwide while the Beatles sold over a billion.

Kirk Feather was reminiscing about a trip to Field’s Point (circa 1969) when he was to be inducted into the armed services. A Marine sergeant asked everyone to fill out a form which asked if you ever belonged to any Communist-influenced organizations like the Maryknolls, Sisters of Mercy, the Friends of Quakers, any Episcopal group, et al. Some 20 sordid organizations. When Kirk asked about some of the organizations listed, the sergeant told him “Sign the blank form kid!” He did. The military didn’t induct him.

The Hot Club

2009-01-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

Frequent Flyer said that his dog ate all the candy in the Christmas stocking and Santa had a restocking fee.

Pucky says he uses udder balm on his hands in the winter.

Early last Wednesday, I sent an e-mail to the ‘Wednesday Wevelers’ asking them to consider showing up at the Hot Club on Wednesday nights. When I arrived last Wednesday night, Frequent Flyer was there. Mike Module was there. Buffalo Steve was there. And then Pucky came in. Around the time I was feeling good about sending out the request for company, each of the guys revealed that they had not seen my e-mail.

And there’s music on Wednesdays as Steve Hodge and Jeff Maher played last week. Acoustic. Jackson Browne, James Taylor stuff. A good cross section. So come on down to the Hot Club on Wednesdays. You never know what or who you’re going to find on a Wednesday night. And if you don’t care to see me, Patti and Lisa are easy on the eyes.

Augie told me that 50 Cent invested $5 million on ‘smart water’ like Glaceau, Vitamin water, etc. 50 Cent made $100 million off his $5 million when the company was sold.

Lizzie, the bartender on Monday nights, was wearing some skin hugging pants that had many metal buttons on the front. She admitted that it was a problem when you had to go to the bathroom. Mike Module suggested she needed Velcro.

Going to a strip club is like paying your taxes. Why’s that? You’re just throwing money away. The speaker has asked for no attribution.

Overheard at the Hot Club: If you can’t go to a strip club and get screwed, where can you go?

Frequent Flyer was returning from Virginia on US Airways. His company makes laser ink T shirts so you can make up unique shirts on the spur of the moment. Chesney Sullenberger had just safely landed that US Air jet in the Hudson River. FF wanted to wear (and distribute to the crew) shirts that said, Sully’s in control or Sully’s on board.

Or how about Scully up front. Is Scully driving this bus?

Those Canadian geese that got sucked into the plane’s engines – Fleet Feet Pete said there must have been a lot of guano. I wondered if we could sue Canada.

The Hot Club

2009-01-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

Much of the Hot Club talk lately has been about the change in hours – the HC now opens at 4 PM every day, including Saturdays and Sundays. The winter months tend to be slow and with the economy down, attendance is also down (excepting most of the Regulars). The change reduced shifts from 28 to 16. Word is that the situation will be re-addressed in a few months when the weather turns better.

Pucky told me that there is one Chinese restaurant in Burrillville. I told him that he was lucky to have one. The Warden said that the Chinese restaurant is probably owned by Italians.

They tell me that if you call Bags now, both he and Tina are on the message.

Jokin’ Joe says he had a parent who referred to his son as having HUHA disease. That’s Head Up His Ass. But the parent assured Joe that he’d take it out.

The Warden wolfed down a hamburger. I said, “You either liked that or you were very hungry.” The Warden replied, “It’s magic. I made a hamburger disappear.”

Jokin’ Joe said that the original rappers were the pirates who used to sing “Yo ho ho…” Joe said that unlike today’s rappers, the pirates did not grab their crotches because they had hooks for hands.

Sunday night was dance music at the Hot Club – Sly and the Family Stone, the Stylistics, et al. Big Kenny and Wise were showing off their dance moves.

Wise says that NSA means No Strings Attached.

Foot Joy says we need the death penalty for parking violators – decrease the number of people. Less mouths to feed I guess.

Foot Joy said to check out the website baseballtraderumors.com. Then Foot Joy yelled into my machine, “FJ also says that farting once in a while will help your digestive system.”

The Hot Club

2008-12-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

Chuck D Computer visited with his friend Sue. The two drove their BMW bikes to the HC. Chuck was wearing electric gloves and had on an electric jacket. Chuck D said he hopes to get an electric ball warmer for the bike.

Paul Lancia also visited, in from Finland, with pictures of his son Rocco. The proud papa was not driving his bike. The Lance left a photo of Rocco which is at the 1st bar (2nd row)

Richard pointed out to me that it was a woman not a man that had the sex transformation and got impregnated. She had a penis but she was pregnant. It’s a Complex World but even I should have gotten that one.

It’s Lonnie Gasperini, not Lennie, but the sound is all good. Let’s hope Lonnie’s Trio plays the HC again.

I Only Want To Be With You, a recent book by Lisa Norato, is dedicated to her mother Caroline Norato. Not the HC’s Caroline, who is much younger, but our Caroline’s kindergarten teacher who has the same name. The kindergarten Caroline may have been forever damaged having had our Caroline in school.

Citizen Caroline said she was running 5 miles on Thanksgiving. I asked her if then she was cooking (she wasn’t), but it came out “Are you hooking?” The Peds Dispenser noted that hookers walk, not run. Our own Jules observed that hookers would miss all their customers if they ran. Caroline’s 5-mile run time was in 2:22. She was 470th out of 1100, and 139th out of 488 women.

Overheard at the Hot Club: “Some guys are looking for a turkey to stuff.”

Mr. D. told me about the Midget Twin Gas Station. Twin brothers who were midgets would pump your gas. The midget twins were always happy to see Mr. D. who had a Triumph. They didn’t have as far to reach while pumping. It was on the way to Raynham.

Kirk Feather told me that in ’03-’04 he played sax, clarinet, and flute in a dance band on the Queen Elizabeth II, as it cruised the world. He ended up in India and stayed at the Taj Hotel in Mumbai (Bombay). It was the Gateway to India. Within its shadows, poor people, including kids with no legs on wheeled carts, begged. Kirk said he sensed danger, and that sooner or later because of the class/caste system that anger would spill over.

The Hot Club

2008-11-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

Lovely Lisa says Ed (of Ed and Leah fame) should be called Ed the Entertainer. I said that I call him ‘Easy Ed’. Leah said “Ed does the pole dancing.” Where? At the Beach House in Portsmouth. Leah says she doesn’t know Ed at all when he pole dances.

Overheard at the Hot Club: “Put your sneakers on and run the other way.”

Speaking of sneakers, Citizen Caroline, the runner, finally went to the doctor regarding her sore foot. The doctor found torn tendons and a fractured index toe.

Last Wednesday night a friend of Beau’s dad played the Hot Club. He’ll be back this Wednesday. The group is named after the friend – the Lenny Gasparini Trio. Very good.

Fleet Feet Pete said Murphy’s First Law of Holes is: when you’re in a hole, stop digging.

Stevie Saucepan has an IPhone that you can program to call you. If you’re someplace you want to leave, you can have the phone ring and excuse yourself to take the call. Gotta go!

Someone told me there’s a pregnant man out there. Guess he had a sex change operation and got impregnated. Very weird! It’s a Complex World.

Contraire made a surprise visit to the Hot Club Sunday night. Haven’t seen hide nor hair of him in a month. I asked him if he had lost a lot of sports bets. No. Then where was he? Contraire said, “I haven’t been around. That’s the idea.”

Contraire said that everyone is worried about the economy. He’s worried about sports – mostly his bets.

The Silencer said that she hasn’t had a Genesee ale since May 12, 1983 at Quinnipiac.

We were talking about beers – Pilsner Urquell ($4), which I drink and Narragansett ($2.50). Contraire called them ‘Top shelf and bottom shelf’. Contraire was going to go Dutch and split a Narragansett with 5 Angels.

“Hulu.com” says Foot Joy. You can find TV shows, current and old ones.

For those who care, there really is a creature known as a dik-dik (an African antelope). And who was it that got hungry from all the dick talk?

The Hot Club

2008-11-18T13:54:00.000-08:00

Fleet Feet Pete told me that 70% of all shoes sold in the US are bought by women. Fleet Feet says that women pay a lot of attention to their feet, even more than about their men.

Marty of the Hot Club observed that he’s never seen a quarterback go into a pop up slide, like a baseball player, as Matt Cassel does. Marty wonders if Cassel might get whacked one of these times when he pops up.

Jokin’ Joe mentioned that there’s a comedian named Ron White who says that a woman can have facial surgery, her breasts done, a tummy tuck, bum, liposuction, but you can’t fix stupid. Stupid is forever. So go get a woman that you can talk with.

The Hot Club now has soups and Beau makes a delicious gumbo that he calls ‘gumbeau’. The Warden thinks gumbo/gumbeau is better than Gumby. Oh and try Jackie’s white chili which is also very good.

We got to meet Julie from Brooklyn, Maine who walks her boss’s dog Molly on Harris Ave. Molly likes to poop on the land where Fantasies is. Julie is an artist’s assistant.

Julie called our own Man O’ Fire ‘Criss Angel Mind Freak’.

We were talking about what is left of industry in RI. The Warden thought that our main industry is unemployment. It used to be jewelry. I mentioned tourism. Mr. D. said either tourism or health care. Someone suggested strip clubs.

The Warden said it was about time the US elected an Italian president.

Francis noted that the weather was balmy. I added, “Obalmy.”

Overheard at the Hot Club:
What did the leper say to the prostitute? “I left you a tip.”

Sean asked me about the tall actor in The Dirty Dozen who has to be forced to fight. We couldn’t think of his name so Sean called his friend – it was Clint Walker. I immediately yelled, “Cheyenne.”

We also discussed the movie on which Vic Morrow was killed. It was Twilight Zone: The Movie. We couldn’t think of the name of the director who was sued when a scene with a helicopter led to Morrow and a young Vietnamese child dying. All I could remember was that it was the same director who did American Werewolf In London. Sean’s friend provided the answer – John Landis.

The Hot Club

2008-10-28T13:58:00.001-07:00

K Man O’Fire says he could call his own cell phone and leave the message “I found a hot chick with a nice ass at the Hot Club.” Chuck D jibed, “Your phone would call you back and say “No you didn’t’.”

Citizen Caroline was complaining about her foot hurting her. She’s a runner. So Fleet Feet Pete asked her if she’d seen a doctor. Caroline said no, that it would interfere with her running. Said Pete, “Sounds like a runner.”

The soup sign fell over. “A Sign Fall episode”, said the Wise Man.

November 9th there’ll be a tribute for Thom Enright at the Hi Hat Club from 3-11. According to Fleet Feet Pete, Beaver Brown, Roomful of Blues, Duke Robillard and other great bands will raise money for Enright who is seriously ill. $20 cover to get in.

Jokin’ Joe said that the bulge in the back of a man’s pants is more important than the bulge in front.

Told Foot Joy about the RIC 40 year reunion that I had organized. FJ said when his father went to his 55th high school reunion, they asked him how the other people looked. FJ’s Dad said, “I looked better than any of them except one person and she had 3 face lifts.”

The Silencer said that at her reunion the men didn’t fare as well as the women. They were bald and fat. The women were a little chubby but that was because they all had children.

The Wise Man wants to note that the Silencer wears glasses.

Contraire had a birthday last week and we hear he’s around the old speed limit. Pucky calls Mr. Contraire Mr. Annoyance.

We were talking about someone going for a job interview at WBRU. Some of us didn’t realize that Brown University no longer owns WBRU. This according to Deep Source (he wears glasses and a hat).

Foot Joy noted (before IT’s bout with medicine) that it must have killed Larry Bird to have Isiah Thomas replace him.

The Hot Club

2008-10-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

Errata – Foot Joy pointed out that last week I wrote ‘father of the daughter’ instead of ‘father of the bride’ (free drink from bartender). Oh well, you knew what I meant, right?

Bob (Marafino) told me to use your cell phone to light your way – up the stairs, down the stairs, in the dark…Marafino means clear water.

Foot Joy noted that golfer Lee Trevino once said: “You’re Mexican until you make money and then you’re Spanish.”

The Silencer told me about Hpnotiq – premium vodka, fine cognac and natural tropical fruit juices. Not your low class vodka.

Kirk Feather said that William Ayers should be the next President of the United States.

Alexander the Grate and I were discussing celebrities who have not aged well. Alex asked rhetorically, “When did Farrah Fawcett become David Lee Roth?” The Grate One added that some of the faces of the stars “implode like a pumpkin after Halloween.”

We were talking about Edie Adams passing away. The Cisco Kid e-mailed Mr. D. about it and said of Edie, “It’s too late now.” Mr. D. responded, “No it isn’t. Find out what funeral home she’s at.”

Turns out Fleet Feet Pete used to be a cancer merchant. He filled his grandfather’s vending machines with cigarettes.

Citizen Caroline’s friend John says that all men are dogs. Woof!

The Warden walked in and wanted to know “Where’s the Mess?”

Foot Joy says if you Google NESN’s Heidi Watney that Jason Varitek’s name comes up.
Sure enough if you Google those two, you get blogs that ’Tek is getting divorced and part of the reason may be Watney. If Watney loses her job, we’ll know. Where’s Hazel Mae?

Contraire asked me if I knew who Julia Adams was. I told him that a Julie Adams was in Creature from the Black Lagoon. He showed me a NY tabloid with a picture of Adams in the arms of the creature but they had her name as Julia.

The Hot Club

2008-10-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

Contraire wants to get rid of the ‘deadbeats’. Who are the ‘deadbeats’? Why the regulars, of course. But isn’t Contraire one of the regulars? So he wants to get rid of himself.

Mountain of Love was playing on the jukebox. 5 Angels only knew the Johnny Rivers’ version. I pointed out that it was originally done by Harold Dorman, who reached #21 with it in 1960. Johnny Rivers (born John Ramistella) took it to #9 in 1964.

We were talking about the new western Appaloosa, so classic western movies came up. Eric mentioned Shane and Red River. I recalled The Magnificent Seven. Marty liked Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Skipper brought up The Searchers. The conversation ended when Three Amigos and Blazing Saddles were mentioned.

The Skipper also liked The Cowboys and noted that it’s the only John Wayne movie in which he dies. I pointed out that John Wayne also gets killed in The Fightin’ Seabees, so it’s the only western in which he dies.

The Silencer had some wasabi peas which were spicy hot. She suggested that we not rub our eyes after eating them. Jokin’ Joe added “Don’t scratch your nuts.” To which Wise added, “Flame on.”

A man and a woman came in together and engaged in a bantering back and forth about whether he was date material for her. A few regulars offered support for the guy, one suggesting that the Everyday Joe was ‘a diamond in the rough’. Said the woman: “He needs more cutting.”

A woman wore a black patent leather raincoat and had a black patent leather bag. The Silencer observed that she was missing black patent leather shoes.

Contraire came in with his nephew who revealed that Contraire is his godfather. Foot Joy said, “His parents didn’t really care about him!” Wise repeated FJ’s line to the nephew who said, “No, they didn’t.” He agreed!

Contraire said he wouldn’t take a girl to Latitudes where 5 Angels plays. Pucky said, “Contraire doesn’t have a girl to take to Latitudes.” Contraire said “I wouldn’t take a horse there.”

Sunday night Soup to Nuts walked over and asked me if Manny hit his homerun off of Derek Lowe. I told him that would be hard as they’re both on the same team.

The Hot Club

2008-07-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

Avery was talking with Foot Joy about a recent criminal who, after being caught by the cops, committed suicide. Foot Joy was trying to explain the situation to Avery when Contraire told Avery: “Don’t listen to him. He gives out misinformation.” Then Contraire looked at me, smiled and said, “I’m being contrary.”

Later Contraire was expounding on sports. I said Contraire is a ‘sports anal-yst’.

Dr. John said that he saw one of his favorite tee shirts in Vail, Colorado. The tee read “If God wanted Texans to ski, he’d have made bullshit white.”

Contraire brought in some LPs of Ike and Tina Turner. The Warden asked Contraire: “How much do you want to pay me to take those albums? Said Contraire, “Two broken legs.”

Sunday night a bevy of beauties were celebrating Jackie and John Dempsey’s engagement. Meghan and Jen Riley were among the celebrants. Jackie was there with her sisters Amanda and Lauren as well as a fourth sister whose name I didn’t get. Their mother Joanne was there too. It seemed like everyone had a good time. Our best wishes to Jackie and John for a healthy and loving future together.

Jokin’ Joe is the only guy that can bring a knife into the Hot Club, and they applaud him for doing so. The knife is for clam shucking.

Sean told me that Frank’s Red Hot is great on popcorn, especially cheese popcorn. Beau seconded that emotion.

A song was playing on the jukebox. Contraire said he liked the song. I asked him what the title was. He didn’t know. I asked him who the artist was. He didn’t know. It was Marvin Gaye doing Got To Give It Up. I told Contraire who said: “Who the hell cares!”

When Contraire saw me enter the Hot Club, he said: “Here come the sports lies.”

Jokin’ Joe wore a tee shirt that read, “Life is sudden death overtime and the clock is ticking”.

The Hot Club is the Hotel California: Good to see long-time doorman Russ back for a visit. And Alexander the Grate returned from 2 weeks in England and Scotland. Now where the hell is Paul Lancia and The Victor?

The Hot Club

2008-07-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

The Warden said “The Hawk and the Rabbit.” What did he mean? Some guy latched onto Contraire’s ear Saturday at the HC, and was back on Sunday looking for the Contrary One, who couldn’t get away from the Hawk. That would make Contraire the Rabbit.

A blonde strolled in Sunday night looking for CJ. She was gone to the deck in a flash, passing by Foot Joy in the process. She was wearing a black dress with black boots. When she returned to the first bar, the puzzlement was solved: It was Rusty wearing a blonde wig.

A man said to another man, “I like your moustache. It’s very attractive.” Responded the object of desire, “Don’t go there or you’re going in the water.”

Mr. D. always comments that the new help on the deck always have different footwear. In the past we had Kathryn with her red or green shoes. Friday we had Jackie wearing polka dot sandals.

Beau wore a T-shirt that read ‘Grow Up’.

The Hot Club is like the Hotel California - you can check out any time, but you can never leave. Recently spotted (on the same night) were Christina who tended bar and Kevin who worked the door.

And among previous regulars, the Jack of Fire is back but lately he’s been more smoldering than blazing.

A card player that Contraire frequently plays and beats recently had serious surgery. Contraire told the guy that he was glad the surgery went well. Contraire then told his buddy the card player, “I couldn’t afford to lose you.”

A woman was talking about a man getting a divorce. I said that you don’t want to be the first person to date someone who just got divorced. She said, “Yeah let him get done with the whore bags first.”

We were talking about two women who used to frequent the HC in the summer. One was tall and the other a shorter version. Beau remembered them and said of the short one, “She had a little thing for me.” In the background Randy Newman’s You Can Leave Your Hat On was playing.

Sportzine is also available at jimdawsonsports.com

The Hot Club

2008-07-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Mr. D. (7/1), Pucky (7/6), Citizen Caroline (7/5) and me (7/5).

5 Angels was appalled that Wiz thought Richard Simmons should play him in Hot Club, The Movie. 5 Angels opined that Wiz looks like Jerry Garcia’s grandfather.

Contraire left early Sunday night. I asked Foot Joy if he said something to Contraire. FJ said, “No, but I’ve been trying to come up with something for a while.”

Frequent Flyer recently made up 8 T-shirts for me with the Sportzine logo (thanks Tom that was great). When I saw FF Sunday he suggested making up some more but with the Hot Club ad on the back. FF thought we could sell them for money (which is just as good as cash). We’re trying to get Wes’ Rib House on it too. A pig on the sleeve?

Frequent Flyer said he made up a T-shirt for himself that says ‘I’m not a gynecologist but I’ll take a look.’

Neither High Wire Bill nor Foot Joy knew the score of the Euro Soccer Championship game Sunday. In fact FJ didn’t know it was going on. Only the Warden and I knew that Spain faced Germany on Sunday. Football!

The Warden said he heard a guy’s girlfriend ask him to take her out to some place expensive. So the guy took his girlfriend to a gas station.

Chuck D. was referring to how small Rhode Island is. Said Chuck, the saying is: “I know him. I went to bed with his sister.”

The Red Sox were losing, and Contraire was looking to start trouble. So he told Mary to ask the Wise Man what the score of the game was. Mary said, “I’m not falling for that!”

Contraire, by the way, told me that the reason he said that the Hot Club needed to get rid of the regulars is because he doesn’t consider himself a regular. We agreed – he’s irregular.

Broc came up to me and said, “Hi, how are you? Glad to see you.” He was almost modeling as he said this. Finally he pointed out that he had a silver projectile sticking out of the fly of his pants. No one had noticed the silver cigar tube protruding from his privates. Well, it’s Broc!

The Hot Club

2008-06-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday Contraire was upset that St. Louis sent Chris Duncan in the 13th, out on JD Drew’s one hopper to ’Tek. Contraire complained that Duncan was too slow to score from 2nd. Foot Joy and I tried to explain to him that as the visiting team you have to take some scoring chances especially when it takes a perfect throw to cut you down. Contraire was having none of it. Then I asked Contraire if he bet on the Cardinals. Yup!

John, the Son of a Son of a Sailor, was mad because someone ate an order of food that they didn’t pay for. The Warden overheard John and said, “They must think it’s like Dunkin’ Donuts. If the Red Sox win, you get a free hamburger.” Contraire piped up, “If it’s that easy, I’ll try it.”

Brock walked by and I called him ‘a gentleman and a scholar”. Foot Joy added, “A general and a scrotum.”

The Wizard offered his view on the casting of Hot Club, the Movie. Wiz couldn’t see Richard Gere as 5 Angels. Said Wiz, “Maybe Richard Simmons.”

A young woman happened by and told the Wise Man, Cajun’ Steve and me that her name was ‘Candy’. Wise had Cajun’ Steve’s tennis racket in his hands and playfully suggested to ‘Candy’ that if she were bad he’d have to paddle her with the racket. ‘Candy’ said “Don’t hit me too hard I just had my cooch pierced.”

In the aftermath of that remark, ‘Candy’ revealed to us that she had just had a small barbell put thru her ‘hood’. She said she didn’t want to destroy the nerves in her clitoris, so she had the piercing through her ‘hood’. Up until then it had been a quiet Tuesday.

Mary, Maya’s sister, clued me in that Maya is not going to film school; she is going to make a film.

Jaime Moyer was pitching for the Phillies against Boston. Easy Ed recalled Moyer winning 20 games. Some of us (including me) doubted it. But FJ checked and Moyer won 20 with Seattle.

Contraire was proclaiming, “We need to get rid of the regulars. We need new blood in
here.” I told Contraire, “If we get rid of the regulars that includes you.”

The Hot Club

2008-05-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

Fleet Feet Pete was wearing a T-shirt that read 'Free range Human'.

Last week I quoted Contraire as calling Beau and Francis his 'cash cows'. Well it was Contraire that was giving milk last week, as he never won a Hi-Lo-Jack game all night. Beau and Fran were chortling about Contraire not throwing his trump Ace on the first trick of Fran's 2 bid as the Jack and deuce came out right away. Fran made his bid.

After Beau beat Contraire twice, Fran said, "If Beau is Contraire's cash cow then Contraire is Beau's bitch."

We were talking about how Jason Giambi admitted to wearing a gold thong when he wants to get out of a slump. The article I read said that his Yankee teammates do so too. I told Foot Joy that the way it was worded, it sounded like his Yankee teammates also wore Giambi's thong.

Someone mentioned all the money that Paul McCartney's ex got in their divorce. One pundit said, "It was love!" Broc added, "Yeah, love of money."

ORRic walked over and I asked him "Are you behaving?" He said, "No but I never get caught."

Flash - Jen Turner is engaged. Our best wishes to her and her lucky companion.

And congrats to the Lovely Lisa and Wild Bill who got hitched in Harwichport Memorial Day weekend.

Citizen Caroline overheard a guy extolling the merits of the Hot Club to his buddy. The guy said, "If you're desperate and dateless, you come here."

Adam informed me that he liked the trailer to Rambo but hasn't actually seen the movie. So it's just Amanda who spoke highly of Rambo. Amanda said that Sly Stallone doesn't have much dialogue in Rambo. I told her "That's good!"

Fran's hotdog was burnt. Contraire said "Just like him."

The Herbster told me he wants to see more sex and less sports in Sportzine.

About which HC male regular did Beau say this? - "He hasn't seen a vagina since he slipped out of one."

The Hot Club

2008-05-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

Priscilla told me that last year she saw Doc Rivers at South Side. No one seemed to recognize him but she went right up to Rivers and asked for his autograph. Doc gave her his John Hancock. "I'm a baller", Priscilla told Doc.

Contraire said that while I didn't misquote him last week, that I had left out what he said after Josh wanted to bet him the Sox would come back to tie. Contraire said he told us, "They might tie, but that doesn't mean they're going on to win."

It was so windy Tuesday that the canopy over Bar 5 blew away. Fortunately it was the temporary canopy.

The new Juke Box can play just about anything as you can search the web for a song ($1). I told Eben how much I liked the new music machine and now he no longer has to fill it with his CDs. Eben said that's the part that he'll miss.

Contraire was standing by the Hot Club doorway. I asked him, "Are you leaving or are you looking for trouble?" "Neither," said Contraire and added, "And don't misquote me."

What local celebrity was seen driving a dirt bike (Broad St.?) with a beverage? - Rascal.

After a female patron walked by, Contraire observed that some women wear too much makeup. "It's like wax", he said,

So I told Contraire that I just bought a new computer with my forthcoming $600 economic stimulus money. Contraire said, "You're already helping the economy." I asked him what he was going to do with his $600. "Gamble with it", he replied.

Contraire was talking about playing cards. He said, "Us professionals can't lose." Then, speaking of Francis and Beau, Contraire said, "They're my cash cows."

Wise was talking about Joe Girardi versus Joe Torre. I said, "Well the pressure is off Joe Torre. LA's a day at the beach for Torre. And the Dodgers just won a few in a row."

Can't remember to whom he was referring but Wise had this on a scary looking fellow:
"He looks like an ax murderer. How would you like to wake up to him at the head of the bed!"

CREATURE DOUBLE FEATURE - CLOVERFIELD and THE MIST

CLOVERFIELD (2008)

Of these two, I liked Cloverfield better. The title is the military name for the event that has occurred in New York City. A camera has been recovered and it tells a tale.

Director Matt Reeves and cinematographer Michael Bonvillain have used the hand held camera concept employed in Blair Witch Project and made even better use of the device.

What starts out with a romantic trip to Coney Island ends with romance still in the air but permeated by the noxious vapors of Hades. Evil surrounds the wielders of the video camera. You, the viewer and the voyeur, are along for the ride.

There are some nice chills and effective use of New York City landmarks like the Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge, Central Park and Bloomingdale's.

IMDb says: The title "Cloverfield"; initially just a codename for the movie, is named for the boulevard in Santa Monica where the Bad Robot offices were located during the making of the film. IMDb rates the movie a 7.7 out of 10.

The decapitated head of the Statue of Liberty in the street is inspired by the poster for John Carpenter's Escape from New York (1981), which depicts the head of the Statue of Liberty lying in the middle of the street.

THE MIST (2007)

This is one of the best movies based on a Stephen King work (here a novella). That's faint praise however since most of the movies based on King's material have been horrible.

The movie is directed by Frank Darabont (The Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption) and he also did the screenplay. It's formulaic but still successful at providing some horrors that raise the hairs on your neck and arms. If nothing else, the ending is one of the most traumatic I've ever seen. But that's Stephen King's doing. Well, see the IMDb notes.

Thomas Jane stars as David Drayton. I liked him better in Dreamcatcher. Here he tends to mumble his lines. Two or three times I had to rewind in hopes of hearing his words.

Marcia Gay Harden is excellent as Bible toting thumper Ms. Carmody. Toby Jones is memorable as the supermarket manager Ollie Weeks. Andre Braugher is also quite good.

The creatures and effects are by KNB and up to their usual standards.

According to IMDb, the camera crew from The Shield was used to shoot the film. The TV crew was employed to cut down on production time.

Director Frank Darabont made the film with Dimension but only under the condition that the ending not be changed. He wanted it shown in black and white. The DVD has the B&W version.

The ending is Stephen King's but was adapted by Darabont who spelled out what King only hinted.

The posters for movies drawn by David Drayton are the work of Drew Struzan who has done many movie posters including those for Indiana Jones.

IMDb rates the movie a 7.5 out of 10.

The Hot Club

2008-05-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

Five Angels gave the Wise Man a testimonial Sunday night. Said Five Angels of Wise: "He keeps on top of things."

Bags hasn't been around the Hot Club much. Now there are just 'sightings' as he is spending time with his Tina. I told Moe, "He's an irregular regular now."

Word is that if you call the Bag Man, the message is a shared one as neither Bags nor his new found friend are home to answer the call. Moe says that Bags is in 'serious duct tape'.

Captain Kirk asked Frequent Flyer if he'd heard about Woody Allen's phone message. FF said "I haven't called him in a while." Cap't Kirk noted that Woody says: "I can't come to the phone, but please leave your hotel room number and I'll get back to you."

Talking to Mike Module I noticed that the Hot Club's ATM is called a 'Mini-Bank'. Mike Module said "They should call it a Maxi-Bank and put more money in it."

The song I've Been Waiting For A Girl Like You (Foreigner) was playing on the new HC jukebox. Broc walked by and told me: "I played this for you."

Contraire surveyed the scene and said, "There are no card players around - at least experienced ones."

The Red Sox - Tigers game was on and the Sox were rallying from an 8-4 deficit. I was watching the game on the TV above me while Contraire had his back to it. He asked me what inning it was and I said, "The 7th." Contraire replied "Can't be!" It was the 7th.

Josh of the Grill wanted to bet Contraire that the Sox would come back to tie the game. Josh said he wanted 2-1 odds. As he spoke Mike Lowell hit a tying homerun.

Conversation overheard at the Hot Club: a guy tells his buddy that he just had some major health trauma and went back to smoking. His friend replied, "You should have seen a psychiatrist rather than going back to smoking."

Alexander the Grate was passing by so I stopped him and asked what the password was. He said salicylic acid. No like the Marx Brothers in Horsefeathers I said. Groucho won't let Harpo into the speakeasy unless he knows the password (swordfish). Harpo whips out a sword and a fish. Chico says, "We changed the password."

On the action movie front, Adam liked Iron Man and both he and Amanda loved Rambo.

The Hot Club

2008-05-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Foot Joy said that as he was driving by the golfing range, he saw his uncle practicing. Every shot his uncle hit was hooked to the right. Later when he saw his uncle at a family gathering, Foot Joy told his uncle that he should bat second in their baseball lineup. When his uncle asked why, FJ told him his golf shots all went past the second baseman to the right. It made him a perfect hit and run man.

My father was a very good weekend golfer. I didn't do so well. When I needed some cash, my dad suggested caddying. I went to the Pawtucket Country Club but never got out. Only the regular caddies did. One day I finally was chosen. They ditched me after 9 holes. When I was asked where the man's ball went I didn't know.

So I told Foot Joy about the time I filled a foursome at Mt. Washington for a weekend. We were slow so the next day we got golf carts (and were still slow). Most of the time delay was due to my play. At one point a guy yelled from a rise behind us "You're backing up the course!" We let that party play through.

Kirk Feather dropped by and asked us "How many Broadway sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?" His answer: "Six. One to turn and the other 5 looking on saying 'I could do that.' "

So I asked Kirk how many psychiatrists it takes to change a light bulb. "Just one", I said.
"But only if the light bulb wants to change."

Sunday night High Wire Bill said, "Double wins." I was slow to understand that Bill meant the Red Sox win and the Celtics rout. Yes, Double Wins or Twin Wins.

You can always tell the rookies at the Hot Club. Sunday a woman looking for the ladies' room started going into the cooler.

Contraire was trying to start trouble. He told the Wise Man: "Beau says all politicians are corrupt." Wise replied, "I'm a civil servant." Contraire shook Wise's hand and said, "I'm glad you finally admitted it."

Wise didn't like Tito bringing in Papelbon in a tie game. On successive nights. Foot Joy and I had no problem with it. I pointed out to Wise - who won those 2 games? Papelbon. Wise said he wants FootJoy and I to be right if it means more BoSox wins.

Well there was a Bags sighting but it wasn't at the Hot Club. It was at Mr. D's band's gig (Almond Joy) at Patrick's Pub. The Bagger introduced me to Tina, his friend, and I wished them both well. They seemed to enjoy the music.

The Hot Club

2008-05-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Puckhead was telling me that he saw Contraire on Friday and for once the Contrary One was silent. Pucky told 5 Angels "Take a picture of this." I said, "Contraire must have lost his bets Friday." Contraire walked in bragging about the bets he had won. I asked him how he did Friday and Contraire replied, "I lost."

Apparently Bags has dropped out of sight (so to speak). At least one irregular regular (well, the Loo-Man) was trying to start a rumor that Bags was in Las Vegas getting married by Elvis.

Pucky was trying to explain to Contraire that horses in barns need to be kept warm. Contraire said, "Out in the woods, they're not warm." Pucky suggested that Contraire look it up on his computer. Contraire said that he had a computer, but had never hooked it up. "I don't have the time", he added.

Buffalo Steve stopped by. As a song by Meatloaf played in the background he recalled that Meatloaf's real last name is 'Aday'. Steve said, "So, it's a Meatloaf a day." Added Pucky, "Meatloaf and potatoes and gravy."

Mr. D. was standing in front of one of the Hot Club lights. It was just above his head and it looked like the lightbulb of his mind had lit up. We laughed - great idea! Fleet Feet Pete took a pic of Mr. D. His buddy Steve tried to say Mr. D. had only one idea, but I pointed out that the light wasn't going out so Mr. D. had to have many ideas.

Mr. D.'s band Almond Joy will be playing Patrick's Pub this Saturday (May 3) at 9 PM. Come down and hear a fun band and have a fine time. Patrick's Pub is at 381 Smith Street, Providence.

Buffalo Steve was telling me about the time Johnny Carson expressed a desire to guest Dolly Parton to see her natural born beauties. Steve said Carson offered his wages for the month. I recalled Johnny asking Jack Nicklaus' wife what she did to give Jack luck. Mrs. Nicklaus replied that she kissed Jack's balls. Carson asked, "Doesn't that make his putter rise?"

My sincere condolences to Victor who lost his dad last week and also to Easy Ed whose brother passed away recently.

The Hot Club

2008-04-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

Seems that Bags has a new girlfriend. Already the regulars are predicting a relationship of some length. Well at least 18 months, which is the line set by Wise (aka 'Ace' Rothstein). This reporter was told that Moe has the under. And then I learned that everyone has the under. Moe told me that Bags is "in duct tape."

Speaking of new girlfriends, Chuck D. graced our presence with new female friend Sue. He introduced us all to her and then went to get her and himself a drink. As Chuck went to the bar for the drinks, Sue hesitated and then followed Chuck. Mike Module said to Chuck, "We'll keep an eye on her for you." "That's what he's afraid of", I added.

Must be the spring weather (birds and the bees?) but reports are that Buffalo Steve's girlfriend is now visiting RI. Will we get to meet her? Will we see Buffalo Steve?

While I was talking about my walks in Slater Park past the Ten Mile river and the reservoir, Mike Module said, "I've caught many fish in that reservoir." Fleet Feet Pete asked, "Is that figuratively or literally?" Mr. D asked, "Did the fish glow?"

Citizen Caroline admitted that to her nieces and nephews she's 'Auntie Kiki'. And Julie is just 'Auntie J'.

A regular was talking to a woman whom he introduced to me as "my next ex-wife." He said the two were discussing future alimony. I said, "You mean post nups?"

Britt and Patti took in the PawSox home opener in the luxury of Moe's box.

Contraire looked at the Wise Man and told him, "You're the above ground counselor and I'm the underground counselor." I misheard it and said Contraire was the "below ground counselor." "Get it right" said Contraire, "It's underground counselor - big difference."

Someone from LaSalle High School called Contraire about contributing to a fundraiser. The caller said, "How about we start you out at $250. Contraire said, "How about you drop a zero."

I told a few people that I made it into the Pawtucket Times sports section last week. Foot Joy told me "Just say you were in the Times." Chuck D added " All the news that fits we print."

Word is that Hooks lit his fireplace - for just the second time.

The Hot Club

2008-04-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

It was a Wednesday night and Hooks was at the HC. But it was raining. So I asked Hooks, "Is your car dirty?" He agreed it was. So I asked, "And if it weren't dirty, then you wouldn't take it out in the rain, right?" "Right", he said.

Chuck D. referred to the dreaded disease that can affect even strong men - Brewers' Droop. Its cousin is Whiskey Dick per Chuck.

We were talking about all the money Paul McCartney just had to pay out to his now ex-wife. Alexander the Great said, "She got a leg up on him." Chuck and I recoiled at the thought and Alex added, "I know. I'm a heel."

The Warden was let out for a visit. He looked around the Hot Club and proclaimed it 'The Dump'. Chuck D. said the HC is a 'recycling center'.

Overheard at the Hot Club: BOHICA - which means, "Bend over here it comes again."

Thanks to Contraire for bringing zeppoles to the Hot Club on St. Joseph's Day.

Someone mentioned that Contraire once had a girlfriend. "She must have been contrary", I said. Beau added. "Yeah. Contrary to Contraire."

Someone was talking about a former HC regular who liked to day trade. He lost $300,000, money he inherited from his father. Contraire observed, "Day trading. That's why he does it at night."

Foot Joy and I were talking about Bobby Knight, who has always hated the media, joining ESPN. "ESPN got what they wanted", I said. "Maybe he'll take down a co-host," I conjectured. Foot Joy was betting on Digger Phelps. FJ said, "Knight only picks on kids." "A true classic bully - and coward", I added.

Jokin' Joe said he told his class that there are 3 kinds of people: those who want something to happen, those who make something happen, and those who don't know what happened. A student said. "I don't understand." Joe said, "You're in the 3rd group."

Overheard at the Hot Club: Hooks took 6 months to paint 4 rooms in his house. He cleaned the brush after each stroke.

A woman wore a tee shirt that read "You're jealous because the voices only talk to me."