The Hot Club

We were watching the closing ceremonies from Turin on the HC TV. The figure of a human dove propelled by a stream of air caught our attention. Observed Mr. D., "That's called getting blown!"

Mr. D. said that the Olympics haven't been the same since we used to go at it with Russia. We need a team of enemies. Mr. D. thought that maybe Osama Bin Laden should field a team.

Contraire was talking to a guy at the bar about Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I told Mr. D. that I didn't care for either of them. I called Harding 'Trailer Park Trash'. Contraire had never heard that expression.

So Contraire admitted that he hasn't really followed this Olympics. Responded Mr. D., "That's because you can't bet on it." Said Contraire, "That's true."

Mr. Contraire was drinking Pilsner Urquell. I said to Mr. D. "That's the only thing we agree on." Mr. D. said "Yeah and if you tell him, he'll disagree."

The guy at the bar had a shirt with a story about Syracuse giving the #44 for the first time to Jim Brown and what it would come to mean. I told the guy that I agreed and that for me Jim Brown was the best running back ever in the NFL.

So I noted that Jim Brown was also a great lacrosse player at Syracuse. The #44 guy said he went to Adelphi, a lacrosse rival, and that while he didn't get to play lacrosse, Adelphi beat Syracuse for the championship one year while he was there.

Bags was in one of the booths sitting across from the Warden's girlfriend Kim. He was chatting up a storm with Kim. Mo looked over and said, "He's in the confessional."

The Warden was talking seriously about buying a Hummer, the H3. Mo told him, "Get the undercarriage protection for when you go over the fire hydrants."

Mr. D. pointed out an article in the Sunday Pro Jo about the new designer dogs caused by crossing different breeds resulting in some strange hybrids. A German shepherd and a poodle is a shepadoodle. A chihuahua and a toy fox terrier is a taco terrier. A poodle and a St. Bernard is a St. Berdoodle. Mr.D. has a dog that is a mix of shih tzu and terrier. He calls it a 'shitter'.

MOVIE REVIEWS - FREEWAY (1996), A LESSER-KNOWN CLASSIC

From time to time, I'll do reviews of movies that I consider lesser-known classics. Freeway is one of them. It was written and directed by Matthew Bright.

The movie stars a young Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland. Sutherland plays Bob Wolverton, a character who crosses paths with Witherspoon's Vanessa Lutz and tries to 'help' her. It will be a day that Bob rues.

The wooden Brooke Shields plays Sutherland's wife Mimi. And Victoria's favorite, Dan Hedaya (Blood Simple), is in it as a detective.

The movie is a mix of highway tar black humor and 'what's going to happen next?'.

Witherspoon is wonderful as the young woman from the wrong side of the tracks. She is a survivor who can only do things one way - truth, justice, and a whomp to the head.

Also with Amanda Plummer (Christopher's daughter) and Michael T. Weiss who starred in Days of Our Lives.

This was Matthew Bright's directorial debut (according to Leonard Maltin). Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo) did the sound track.

When you're hung up on what to get at the video store, see if they have this little gem. You won't be disappointed. Just beware because there is a film of the same name done in 1988 with Darlanne Fluegel and Richard Belzer.

The Hot Club

Brock was speaking in a Scottish accent. When I didn't remark on it, Brock asked, "What you didn't notice?" My reply was, "I thought it was just Brock being Brock." To which Brock added, "No, it was a week's worth of Star Trek." Brock had morphed into Scotty.

Bouncer Sean had read in last week's Zine about my love for Edgar Allan Poe and HP Lovecraft. Sean is also a big fan of both. In fact he mentioned a Poe tale that I didn't know - The Man Used Up. I told Sean that Poe is credited with the first detective story (The Purloined Letter). And I told him that my favorite movies based on Poe stories were Masque of the Red Death and Stuart Gordon's version of The Pit And The Pendulum.

The Wise Man and the Wizard of the Web don't usually agree on anything, but they actually both were in consort that there should not be a casino built in Johnston.

In fact, Wise, Wiz and Foot Joy ganged up on me when I said that I welcomed a casino in RI. Wise said it would wipe out all the small businesses around it. He said Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun have already adversely affected Westerly, RI. So after ranting for some time that he wouldn't want a casino in RI, Wise said that if he were in favor of a casino, he'd put it in Westerly.

Joking Joe just came back from New York where he stayed at the Helmsley Hotel. He said everyone revered Henry Helmsley but not his wife Leona. Joe says Leona lives on the 46th and 47th floors. Foot Joy added, "That's where they have assisted living."

Joe then told us all a joke: A woman sits at the bar and a guy asks her if he can buy her a drink. She says, "No, it bothers my legs." The guy asks, "Do your legs swell?" The woman replies, "No, they open up."

Marcus Aurelius was talking about people convicted of drug-related crimes going to prison. He said, "We'll send you to jail because you might harm yourself with drugs. So we'll make sure we harm you by sending you to prison."

A young woman overheard Buffalo Steve, a guy named Mark and me talking about US history She challenged us with "Bet none of you have Howard Zinn's The People's History of America." Mark had a copy in his car. He went to get it. Buff Steve told her she owed Mark a drink since he had the book. She was having none of it. And when Mark came back with the book, she coaxed him into buying her a drink (Jameson's when she'd been drinking Narragansett beer). Mark thought she was in love with him because he had Zinn's book. Buffalo Steve and I knew better.

Later the same woman (whose name is the same as Tonto's horse) had to be bodily carried out (She smacked Brock in the face). She pummeled the guy who was carrying her. Lone Stranger.

MOVIE REVIEWS - JOHN WATERS' PINK FLAMINGOS

In honor of Chuck D. Computer's friend Sally, who hales from Baltimore, I watched Pink Flamingos, a true Psychotronic movie. Baltimorean John Waters produced, directed, wrote and filmed this in 1972 when it must have really shocked people. Even today it will gross out most viewers. It has something to offend everyone.

Divine, "the Filthiest Person Alive", lives with her mother Edie (the Egg Lady), son Crackers and blonde Cotton in a trailer. Their 'yard' has a pink flamingo, mirror ball and plastic chicken.
Connie (red hair) and hubby Raymond (blue hair) Marvel want to wrest the title of 'Filthiest Person' from Divine. Divine is up to the challenge.

What follows is pretty unbelievable shit (in more ways than one). I won't reveal any of the 'filth' so as not to 'spoil' the shocks for any of my readers, who might be daring enough to watch this. You won't soon forget it. Let's just say it's truly different, truly incredible and truly John Waters.

The music is decent and includes Little Anthony and the Imperials doing I'm Not A Juvenile Delinquent. We also hear The Girl Can't Help It, Happy, Happy Birthday Baby and the Trashmen doing Surfin' Bird (The Bird Is The Word).

Some Memorable Lines:

"As you know we run a baby ring…we sell the babies to lesbian couples."

"We were just wondering where you were going to spread your VD today, hussy."

"You're convicted of assholism."

The Hot Club

Chuck D. Computer was talking about the Moslem furor over the printing of caricatures of their Prophet Muhammad. Chuck said, "I'm sorry our religious God is so insecure that you can't make fun of him. Now, let's get back to worshipping our son of a Jewish carpenter.

Sean the HC Bouncer was telling Mr. D. and me that he also works at the Celtic Pub in Pawtucket. He found out that the friends he knows at the Celtic know some of his friends at the HC. I said Rhode Island is so small, if you put 50 strangers in a room that within an hour they would realize they knew the same people. Sean said, "Yeah you sneeze and someone on the other side of the state says, 'God bless you.' "

We were talking about bad behavior and I mentioned the two ex-Panthers' cheerleaders who were caught in a bathroom stall having sex. I said, "I'm glad to see that the distaff side can be just as stupid as we are." Frequent Flyer replied, "Well, no one's got the market cornered on that." I noted that we've all done some things we regret. Mr. D. said, "Yeah, you open one eye and check out everything."

Chuck D. introduced us to his friend Sally from Baltimore. Sally has seen John Waters many times. I asked her if she's seen any of Waters' movies and she said she had. Later Chuck asked me what that term is for my crazy movies - It's 'Psychotronic'. That covers bizarre films from JD (juvenile delinquents) to WIP (Women in Prison) movies. I told them it was coined by Michael Weldon who got it from the film The Psychotronic Man.

So to give them an example of a 'Psychotronic' movie, I told them I just picked up Reform School Girls. Chuck's friend Sally said, "The one with Wendy O. Williams? WOW." Yes, the very same herself.

On a trip to Baltimore, I made sure that I visited Edgar Allan Poe's gravesite. And I also have rubbings of HP Lovecraft's headstone. Chuck said for that you need Dr. Zod's stone rubbing oil.

Mr. D. was talking about how in the old days they fed polenta to the pigs. And stale Italian bread is now 'Bruschetta'. And I added no one ate octopus until they began calling it 'Calamari'.

Sometimes I bring my pint glass (hard to come by) into the men's room. As I did so the other night, Chuck admonished me, "That better not come out fuller than it went in."

MOVIE REVIEW - REFORM SCHOOL GIRLS (1986)

Starring Wendy O. Williams (WOW). With Pat Ast as Head Matron Edna Dawson (no relation, thank God). And the sexy Sybil Danning as Warden Sutter. This may be the only movie in which Danning doesn’t doff her duds (see Howling II, Malibu Express and Chained Heat).

While the girls go to the Pridemore (CA) Juvenile Facilities, this is a WIP (Women in Prison) movie by writer/director Tom DeSimone (Hell Night). And believe me none of these women look like teenagers. None of them could remotely pass for less than 21. Not even Lisa, played by (I kid you not) Sherri Stoner. If they showed naked underage girls, we could be talking about another Traci Lords case.

There is much nudity but thankfully not of Wendy O. Williams, who was not a looker (Bless her dear departed soul). Wendy does get to sneer a lot, shows off her rose tattoo, and sings not only the title song, but three others, including It's My Life written by Kiss' Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.

I once saw Wendy O. Williams and her band the Plasmatics on a late night Boston TV show (Matt Siegel's, I think). After the band did some numbers, Siegel interviewed Wendy and her mohawked lead guitarist. Siegel said he was surprised that Wendy was so well behaved considering her reputation. The words were no sooner out of his mouth than Wendy whipped her top down exposing her breasts.

Anyway, this Psychotronic movie has all the creative elements - women in various stages of undress, a barely there script, funny lines and some great histrionic acting, especially Ast as Edna, who has a much meatier role than Sybil Danning, who doesn't show up until 34 minutes into the film.

Most Memorable Lines

(Shower scene) "You're going to be inspected inside and out, so get it clean."

"Edna: "Messin' with another girl's personals is against the rules."

Inmate: "For a good hard cucumber, I'd give it away."

And the truck driver to Jenny (Linda Carol), the 'star': "Let's play carnival. Sit on my face and I'll guess your weight."

Best Song

So Young, So Bad, So What sung by Etta James.

One quibble - This New World Pictures film from Anchor Bay has very audible and annoying static on the soundtrack. For the whole movie! I got it used at Newbury Comics and I'm taking it back. I'm not sure if the problem is because the DVD is used or if it's the source that is the cause.

The Hot Club

Seeing Brock, I said, "Stay out of trouble." Brock replied "Now what fun would that be?"

Frequent Flyer had just come back from Detroit. At the airport, he was whiling away time at the bar waiting for his plane as was the woman next to him. A guy sat down next to the woman and they conversed a while about where they were flying. FF heard the guy say to her, "I suppose you don't have time for sex in the family restroom?

Chuck D Computer liked that come-on line. Said Chuck, "That guy must get more ass than a rented folding chair."

Buffalo Steve knows a stripper who was getting 'new' breasts. Buff Steve asked her, "Can I have your old ones."

Ming says that strippers who've had boob jobs ask each other "How old are they today?"

We were talking about the anniversary of the Challenger tragedy. Findo and I were returning from the Patriots' Super Bowl loss to the Bears.
Foot Joy said, "What do the Challenger and the '86 Patriots have in common? They were both good for 90 seconds."
I recalled, "What do Donna Rice and Christa McAuliffe have in common? They both went down on Challengers." Gary Hart had dared newsmen to follow him around. I told FJ, "Gary Hart blew himself up."

The topic of the insult to Moslems came up (the caricatures of their Prophet Muhammad). Chuck D asked, "How many Shiite Moslems does it take to change a light bulb?" Answer: "That's not funny. You're condemned to death."

Chuck D said he has a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't blame me. I voted Fatah."

There was a poster on the front window of the Hot Club. It showed a "Porta-Fire", 6 blue porta-johns with flames coming out of the roofs. 'New fuel for the renaissance'.

New HC worker Tom was talking to Contraire. I told Tom, "Don't believe half of what he says." Tom asked, "Which half?" I said, "That's up to you."

Our sincere condolences to Jim Kelly whose close friend and Hot Club patron Fernando Sant'Anna recently passed away at age 42. CJ also knew Fernando. My deepest regrets.

MOVIE REVEWS - WRONG TURN ('03)

A near toothless gas station attendant responds to a young out-of-towner's "Take care." with "You're the one's going to need to take care."

The young guy is in a hurry ("Need to be in Raleigh by 7") and takes a 'shortcut' via Bear Mountain Road. He and the 5 campers he meets will wish they hadn't taken a Wrong Turn.

We've all seen this type of backwoods bloodtakers reveling in badness before. Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, and Motel Hell all come to mind.

This time it takes place in West Virginia, though director Rob Schmidt filmed it in Toronto. Alan McElroy wrote the script, which is weak for even this kind of movie.

The movie benefits from Eliza Dushku (Jessie) and Desmond Harrington, the male lead (Chris Flynn). Harrington looks a little like Trot Nixon.

Also Stan Winston Studio did the makeup and Winston is a co- producer. The three mountain men, 3 Fingers, Saw Tooth and One-Eye, are a sight that makes the eyes sore.

The visual effects are by Mr. X, Inc. and are also quite good.

There are the usual lunk-headed moves by the kids in flight and some of the plot devices make you scratch your head.

So this 2003 film isn't up to the quality of recent efforts like Saw, Saw II and Hostel.